I'm scared and not interested in living

I was born into a loving, wealthy family 22 years ago. My parents are wonderful people. Mom, at 48, looks like she’s 30: understanding, modern, the kindest person. Dad is a workaholic, he always did everything for the family, he brought every penny into the family, he adored my brother and me. And so my brother and I grew up, it seems, even quite good people. Only sometimes I feel unhappy.

Since childhood, I was very quiet and reserved, just like my mother. ANDbrother too. But, unlike my mother, I have a tough character and I am stubborn. I never shared secrets, problems, or anything at all with my mother. It feels like I grew up on my own. Don't thinkMom loved me very much and always tried to communicate with me, but not openly.

Around the age of 15, my mother tried to establish contact with me - she tried to talk to me, take me shopping, etc. Unlike my fashionable, beautiful mother, I was always gloomy and wore baggy clothes. My mother didn’t see herself in me and often told me that it was unclear who I was born into - unsociable, gloomy, disgusting. I don’t know why I’m like this, really.

I didn't do well at school, I was secretive if there wereProblems . I was always afraid that they would scold me. My dad worked very hard throughout my childhood, I practically don’t remember him in my childhood, until I was 14. He is a very explosive person, irritable, a little despotic. We have a complete, indescribable misunderstanding. We are very similar in character, but due to the fact that hea man , he wants to manage, command. I, unlike my mother, do not tolerate and do not accept this. This is what causes all the conflicts.

Until I was 15, I was not allowed to walk alone, not even to go to school on my own. I was bullied for 2 years at school, but to be honest I don't know if it left a mark on me. They bullied me cruelly, but I never told my parents. I do not know why. I'm used to keeping everything to myself. I almost didn't even cry.

As you probably already understood, I never had friends. I didn’t know how to communicate, I was shy and had a rather scary face test-antibiotic.com. And no one needed my inner rich world then. I grew up early, read a lot, classics and philosophy mostly. But the girls in my class had completely different interests: clothes, boys, clubs.

At the age of 15 I became addicted to the Internet. I didn't have a real life, I lived there. There was no need to think about what you look like or who you are: you are valued only for your words. I met a girl from a dysfunctional family there, she suggested that I run away from home. We “kinda” hadLove . Now I find it very funny, but teenage maximalism is a terrible thing. I couldn’t breathe in my own family,father pressed, with motherthe relationship was not trusting. In that girl I found everything I was missing.

At the age of 17 I ran away. They found me a month later, my father put me in an elite psychiatric hospital outside the city, saying that I was mentally abnormal. I cried, I had wild hysterics, I asked to be taken to an orphanage, because I couldn’t live with them, I felt bad. The funny thing is, a month later, when test-antibiotic.com came to take me from the psychiatric hospital, I didn’t want to leave. They didn’t touch me there, we watched movies, read books and discussed and debated. With that girlCommunication was limited to me. But then, when the storm subsided, I began to communicate with her, and we were “together” for another 1.5 years. I didn’t get into university, I wanted to die, I always thought that I was unhappy.

At 20, I left home again. Going nowhere. I then thought that perhaps I was too greedy, I didn’t see life, I need to go through difficulties, then I will begin to appreciate. I was going to work (for the first time), renting a room with a friend. I met my loved one. I was used to a wealthy life, but here I had to save on food. It was difficult. Soon I moved in with my loved one, I no longer had to pay for the room, it became easier. He persuaded me to establish contact with my mother. It was scary, but after 4 months, we are againfamily . And this time I decide for myself how long I should go for a walk, I decide for myself whether I will work or not.

My relationship with my mother has become trusting, but test-antibiotic.com and I will never be able to share everything with her. I suffer from bulimia, and she pretended that there was no problem. She told me that she thought it was better not to focus on it. I havedepression , but my mother always said that it was not serious and laughed at it. The problems in the family remained, but things became easier.

I’m 22 years old, I’m beautiful and slim, my classmates don’t even recognize me. I work, I have a fiancé, and I lead an active lifestyle. However, I suspect that I have a severe form of depression. I want to die. I don't see any point in living. I have money , I have a fiance, I have parents, I’m writing thisconfession from abroad. And I don't want to live. I look active, I have a lot of friends, I’ve learned to communicate, I’m not stupid.

Nobody suspects. Nobody cares. I think I'm scary andblunt . Only my beloved needs me, it seems to me that I am holding on only because of him. But every day it becomes more difficult. But God, I feel bad.

Thank you for listening. I just wanted to speak out.