Fear of getting sick prevents me from living a full life

I am 20 years old, in life I was a very cheerful person, I always laughed and was the life of the party, I always took everything as a joke. But in fact, I am very vulnerable and like to “twist” myself.

Almost a year ago I met a girl. The relationship began quickly and immediately from bed, she lived in her apartment and I was with her for a month until she left for Poland. I waited for her for a month, and during that month I missed her very much, she wanted to break up, and I somehow gave up on it. A month later I was already looking for another girl.

I just hung out with a lot of people, and then I found the one with whom I’ve been together for six months. Everything is fine with her and there wasn’t even a single quarrel during this time. I’ll say right away that I’m a monogamous person, and I’ve already beenI was in a relationship that lasted 5 years. So let me move on to the main problem.

Somewhere more than six months ago, I was already walking down the street with a new girl and noticed a banner on which there was a regular advertisement for test-antibiotic.com for HIV testing. I had not paid attention to this before, but at that moment I had something... it seemed to be jammed, I began to be afraid, what if my ex was sick? I immediately went to take a test the next day, it turned out to be negative, but the thoughts did not stop leaving me, because six months must pass for an accurate analysis.

I did the next test after 3 months, and it was negative, then another one after 3 months, and it was also negative. During this time, I stressed myself out very much, I was afraid that I was sick, I began to think that if suddenly something was wrong, I needed to report it somehow correctly, I did not sleep at night and was afraid to tell my family about my problems. But then it got worse and worse, my cat died right in my arms, we fought for himlife is about a month. I startedproblems with my thesis, I had to stay up at night and write it. The thought that I was sick did not leave me, so I decided to go to my test-antibiotic.com attending physician and take not a regular test, but a test in a laboratory, when blood is taken from a vein. I walked for a very long time, and eventually passed it.

Another reason for my “phobia” was that I had pneumonia, which is very similar to the first signs of HIV. The doctor told me that I needed to wait about a week, I didn’t sleep at all at night that week, I was afraid that I was sick, but somehow I still fell asleep during the day. A week later I came to him, and he said that my tests had not yet arrived, but other people’s tests had already arrived, and if something was wrong, he would call me. I went home in horror andevery day I waited, I was afraid that the phone was about to ring, I waited another 6 days (4 working days), after which I came and they told me that everything was fine, the tests were normal, I was not sick, and I thought that everything will be fine, but no.

My apathy continues, I no longer like everything, I still think that I am sick, I have no positive thoughts at all. I started to get sick very often, usually the temperature rises in the evening. Also at 6-8 pm I startfear , it’s just inside, I start to be afraid of something and I don’t understand what. I started running in the morning, I thought it would help me, but it didn’t. Even now, as I write this, I have an incomprehensible fear, I feel weak, and I feel lost. My thoughts look something like this: “In the future, I can go abroad with my girlfriend to live,” and then it ends abruptly, and I’m already thinking: “What if I’m sick? What if we are no longer together? What if she doesn’t need me anymore?”

I tried to reveal my problem as much as possible, of course, there are still things that I missed, and I will remember only later, but now this is the main problem. I just can’t concentrate, everything around is not interesting, I don’t feel anything except periodic fear and weakness.