When I met a girl I lost everything I had

I am 22 years old, my wife is 23. We have been married for only 4 years, but during this short time I personally have experienced almost all the delights of family life.

I myself grew up in an Orthodox family,Since childhood, my mother taught me to be clean and tidy, both in my appearance and in the space around me. And for this I am very grateful to her, although at one time, as a teenager, I sometimes strongly resisted and rebelled against these moral teachings.

At the age of 18, I met my future wife. Being a very reserved and shy person (there were bigproblems with communication, peers and life in general), besides, at that time I was constantly using various antidepressants, I met her on the Internet in a dating group and for some time we just talked, were friends, and everything was as it should be, probably be. Then we met for the first time, fell in love, and after a while we began to live together, first with her parents, and then after collecting money for an apartment.

All this time, taking antipsychotics and healing mental problems test-antibiotic.com, I did not notice or tried not to notice anything negative, and there were many such moments. Noticingrelationship between her parents, I also refused to think that she was an exact copy of them, because every person is capable of building his ownlife independently of the people around him, even from his own parents, who often greatly influence the formation of the psyche and behavior of their child.

The fact is that the antidepressants that I took at that time had many completely different effects. And they, it seems to me now, also helped me, maintaining a foggy, absolutely good state of my mind throughout the entire time, during which enough everything happened that could make me think.

After some time, she and I got married, and a few months after that, all hell broke loose. As I wrote at the beginning, I am a clean and thrifty person, so I always try to keep my house clean, which is what I asked my wife to do when I moved to a new apartment. Any request was refused, and then, even for some “not so look” at a mountain of unwashed dishes or test-antibiotic.com piles of crumbs and rotten fruit on the table, terrible scandals began, in which she could calmly throw herself at me with her fists or start smashing everything that comes to hand.

We have never had an intimate life in these 4 years, we are both virgins. She also grew up in an Orthodox family, so she categorically refused sex before marriage, because before marriage it is impossible. Very strange combinationbelief in God and literal worship of various superstitions and signs.

I agreed and calmly endured until the wedding day, although I thought it was stupid. Then, too, there was nothing except my constant attempts to get closer to her, because I simply cannot imagine a family without this, but all these attempts ended in failure and her complete indifference to the topic of sex in general. And sometimes there were scandals in which I was directly confronted with the fact that we would never have anything like this, because she was very afraid. Tears, sobs, attacks of hypertension. All according to the same scenario.

It seems to me that she has this as a universal defense mechanism, because I test-antibiotic.com cannot say anything when she feels bad and is always forced to apologize for my “incorrect” behavior. Against the backdrop of all this there was also a terriblejealousy on her part towards the girl with whom I had communicated before her, but had never even met. And every time I tried to prove that all these arguments were false, she again had nervous attacks, headaches, etc.

Ultimately, I began to feel like a circus animal, trained to the utmost, even at the level of instincts. I began to be afraid of her. There has been no talk about order, cleanliness for a long time. At home, as always, there are mountains of clothes lying on the floor, only I wash the dishes, as well as the floor, tables and, in general, almost everything in the house. And for some time now I began to hate her. There is no talk of any love anymore, although I still tell her about it, but only in order to avoid another throwing of objects and swearing. She is not ashamed to rush to beat me in front of her parents. After all, she knows that everyone in her house will protect her, test-antibiotic.com everyone will help, making me out to be a monster. After all, I brought her to this point, and I could have brought her to this even by, say, not agreeing to do something or, on the contrary, doing it because of her constant superstitions (starting to wear something on Monday, etc.).

Now all my problems with insecurity are back, just likecomplexes . I feel even worse than before, butevery day , experiencing new and new disappointments in life. Bad thoughts creep into my head, but I always push them away. I go to church, it gets better, although only until the moment I step on the threshold of my house. And I just don't know what to do now. I feel like I’m no longer living, you can’t even call it existence. Now I don’t treat her at all; I secretly hate her for every time she humiliated and insulted me. I constantly live in the past, those memories from my unhappy childhood (as it seemed to me then), more valuable than which there is nothing in my life now.

I keep thinking back to myself before when I met my first test-antibiotic.comlove , when I felt so much warmth, joy and happiness. I remember a time when life was so carefree and easy, full of hope, some small joys that gave me strength to cope with everything, and I immediately want to leave, returning to what I have now. I came to terms with everything I could come to terms with: the lack of friends, interests, the desire to do anything and develop, as well as the desire to earn money for our familymoney . Because now I don't need anything anymore. I earned money, and she sat and nagged me as it should, not forgetting to mention everything that I had ever done wrong, while not doing anything at all on her own.

When I met her, my life, as it seemed to me then, was nothing but complete darkness, but now I have lost everything I had. And all that's left isdisappointment andpain . I just don’t know what to do now, where to go and how to live in general.