How to forget the past and improve your life?

Over the past 5 years, I have achieved nothing and made absolutely absurd, illogical decisions - I moved to another country, wearing rose-colored glasses, without thinking at all, I decided to change my specialty, although everything was fine with me. I also did not build a personal life, all attempts ended with me stopping myselfrelationships out of fear of intimacy (although she wanted them at the same time). Although the men were more than wonderful and worthy.

The most offensive thing is that deep down I knew something was wrong, but pride kept me from stopping, looking back and changing direction. When I began to realize reality, everything became even worse. Realization of reality simply cannot be compared with anything, and when I admit it, I simply cannot live on. Against the background of all these thoughts, many psychological problems arose and worsened in meproblems (including suicidal problems), and this is some kind of ever-growing lump that grows and grows uncontrollably.

Psychology hasn't helped yet. Excellent specialists help to fight the consequences (depression , anxiety, social phobia, eating disorder) may be prescribedmedicines , but test-antibiotic.com reality does not change from this.

I also refuse to communicate with many people. Five years ago, and in general in my past life, even at school, there were interesting, good people in my life. Whoever I look at, everyone has achieved something, the formerthe guy is the boss, classmates are successful and have families. Those who moved, quietly developed in their profile, have stable work, manymarried , with children. When I honestly talk about mylife , they almost twirl their fingers at their temples, are surprised, allow themselves unflattering comments. I have cut off contact with almost everyone, including my family, and I embellish reality for almost everyone.

I can't admit that a talented student, who graduated from an excellent university, with good prospects, pretty (it was true) managed to ruin her life like that, even outwardly rapidly became ugly, turned gray, aged by 10-15 years, gained weight due to an eating disorder. With age, I began to understand that in fact I want to love, I want a relationship, but objectively no one needs me, I am ugly, a stupid loser. And before, no one needed me test-antibiotic.com (not out of spite or arrogance, I was just always absorbed in my studies, work, hobbies, I didn't even really have time for relationships). And now I hang out in a psychiatric clinic, have problems with the police, and because of my fat legs I am embarrassed to leave the house once again. I resumed theatrical activities, and then quit. I understand that this is extremely unproductive and stupid, I don’t show it in any way, but for a long time now, against this background, I have been feeling annoyance and hatred towards everyone who succeeds at something.

I really don't know another person who lives so illogically and terribly. Now I can't start anything at all, and because of these thoughts I even give up my attempts to improve my life and rejecthelp from outside, because I’m starting to think that I’m still stupid and old, not worthy of a good, interesting job and normal, adequate men.