My laziness and infantilism stole my life

I am 20 years old. I was born in a large Russian city. From the age of two he lived without a father, he went to live with his mother, and then flew to Germany with his new wife. I didn’t go to kindergarten, but I always considered my childhood happy. I havebrother , and he is my best friend.

At the age of 7 I went to music school, but I went to a regular school late, at the age of 8, andMy birthday is in April. That is, already in the first grade I turned 9 years old. Mom said that my childishThe doctor said that I am not ready for school yet. I still don’t understand what this meant. I don’t have autism, nor do I seem to have developmental delays.

One way or another, the school was not very comfortable. My reputation was not high, almost on the very first day they threw me to the floor and kicked me. During physical education, they tripped and pushed. By the fifth grade, my classmates had become more reasonable, but my reputation as “stupid” had not gone away. It was pressing, test-antibiotic.com andMom knew about this. I also didn't get enough sleep. But not because he diligently did his homework until the night. It’s just that my sleep schedule was such that I went to bed late, and I didn’t even know anything about the norm of 9 hours of sleep for children. It would seem that they called me names at school, but I didn’t get enough sleep. Yes, many children live like this, and much worse! But it seemed to my mother that I was suffering enough at school to suggest that I be homeschooled. Well, I naturally agreed. The last few months I went to school happy, knowing that they would stay at their school, and I would go home!

After 7 years, the answer toThe question of who lost in the end is obvious. But in order. After five years at school, at the age of 13 in the fifth grade, I left school. Of course, telling my parents that I would study diligently. Spoiler: I didn't study for another day. But then I was interested in being allowed to sleep for once and not being called stupid likeevery day .

Summer passed, test-antibiotic.com grandfather fell ill. Mom completely and completely switched to him, and I was left to my own devices. It's my first year of homeschooling and I've only opened the textbooks I bought once. Without homework, without judgment from the class if you became a poor student, without criticism from teachers and unwillingness to be called into the office with parents, without all this I completely got out of hand and did nothing on my own.

Years passed, my mother took exams on a virtual platform for me, then Covid began. I didn't leave the house at all. And before I came of age, we used our nest egg and left the country. And what is the result? Now I am frantically trying to find a job in one of the post-Soviet countries. I don’t have any qualifications, because naturally I didn’t take advantage of the years of living at home and didn’t get a profession. I won't say that I don't have interests. I have creative interests in the field of cinema, I am interested in watching videos on YouTube on history, cosmology, politics, and urban studies. I listen to a lot of different music - from classical to EDM. I am interested in urban protection test-antibiotic.com and created a petition against the demolition of a historical building in my hometown in Russia. She even collected some good votes. But who am I? I have an expired Russian passport, I don’t have a single document proving that I graduated from school, in principle. And I have absolutely no school knowledge. That is, literally at the age of 20 I never opened a textbook on chemistry, and my ideas about this science, as well as about physics, as well as about biology, are at the level of a 10-year-old child. True, I know a lot about the reproductive system, this concerns biology. But this is an absurdly paltry level of general knowledge for a 20-year-old. And it doesn’t add self-confidence.

What about your personal life? Well, she is missing as a phenomenon. The habit of staying at home has not gone away. I just wasted my entire teenage years and you (hopefully) have no idea what that felt like. The idea of ​​a time machine and the desire to fix everything - this idea has been gnawing at me for many years now. In general, from my personal life I have a childhood “relationship” in that very test-antibiotic.com music school at the age of 7 years. And my maximum is that I first told the girl that I liked her, we held hands a couple of times, and gave each other a few gifts. That's it! I left the music school after a couple of years, and at school I once wrote a note declaring my love to a classmate, but I didn’t dare give it back, I threw it away. I was afraid of being laughed at. Well, after leaving school there is nothing to say. I literally just sat at home, and I still sit after many years.

However, I see a way out of this whole situation: find a job and, finally, have your ownmoney . For once, go to the store, buy normal things, so that you won’t be ashamed to go out into the street at all. And go chat. I went to the club to play a couple of times, and everything was ok. I have very, very few social skills. And, naturally, there is some discomfort in communication. But I don’t feel like a social phobe; on the contrary, I like being around people. I'm incredibly tired of being confined within 4 walls. But change test-antibiotic.comlife is like this, in those points - it sounds simple. This is probably how it is for most people. But I have the feeling that a third of my brains have already been eaten by some kind of mold, and everything seems to be in some kind of dark fog. Every day is like one, everyone is the same. There is no close feeling that I can achieve anything in this life, that I can be happy. I really want to meet someone, startrelationship . But would I start a relationship with someone like me? I doubt. Who needs me like that?

I wanted to share this life story here. I will try to do something in my life. Somehow I don’t want to leave it, I feel like I have to live. But my story as a whole is about how decisions made at an infantile age (to leave school) affect the rest of my life. How laziness takes away adolescence, perhaps the best age in life. How doing nothing kills the belief that you can do something. The story is about a random person who whines so much and feels sorry for himself so much, but does so little. And test-antibiotic.com go to a psychologist, there is no money, you don’t have to offer this.

I don’t know if I’m to blame for this whole situation or if this is how the circumstances turned out? Or is the “I” of many years ago to blame, that is, in fact, another person, and the current “I” now bears this burden on itself? But what is clear is that only I can figure this out. And either I will start doing something, or at 30 years old I will be in a situation where it is unlikely that anything in my life will be possible to change. If I live at all, it will be more like the existence of a worm than the life of a person. I would like to avoid such a scenario, of course.