How can I love my child and stop being annoyed?

I want to write my ownconfession that I do not get joy from motherhood. I know I'm not the only one, but that doesn't make it any easier.

It all started with the fact that I wanted a child. I told my husband about this. At first he resisted, but then we finally decided to take this step. The pregnancy was difficult, I was constantly on my nerves, thenmy husband was getting nervous, then heMother . Constantly in tears. Constantly had stomach pain, but in consultationthe doctor assured that everything was fine. Everything was fine on the ultrasound, all the tests were done, everything was fine.

At 33 weeks she was put into storage and remained there until the birth. At 38 weeks, during an examination, a bubble burst on the chair, I was taken to give birth, there were contractions, but there was no labor. As a resultthe child crushed the umbilical cord and began to suffocate inside me. They sent me for an emergency caesarean section. Then they transferred me to the intensive care unit, but the baby was never delivered. Later, a doctor came and said that the child had atrasia of the esophagus, and that when he tried to feed, he began to foam at the mouth, he himself could not breathe, only with the help of a test-antibiotic.com device. He was taken to intensive care, and on the third day he underwent surgery.

He spent 13 days in intensive care, and I went home on the 6th day after the cesarean section. Every day I came with my husband to his intensive care unit and injected myself with painkillers at home. She came, looked at the child, and felt nothing, no pain, no suffering, no love, nothing towards him. After resuscitation, the child was transferred to surgery, where I lay with him, there were no difficulties in caring for him. But I felt absolutely nothing for him. We were discharged home, but we didn’t stay there for long. We are back in the hospital, the reason was that the child was eating (he is bottle-fed) and began to cry, eventually choked and lost consciousness. When this happened to him, I began to cry, either simply from fear, or something maternal finally woke up in me. We are in the hospital, but I hate this child so much, as soon as he starts crying, I start shouting at him, because crying infuriates me, now he is not eating well, his temperature is rising.

I can’t leave him, my conscience won’t allow me, and what will my relatives say, but I also can’t calmly react to all this. I can’t understand what’s wrong with me, it seems like my blood, but there’s nothing maternal, it’s very scary, allI won’t be able to stand him for life either. What could have caused me to behave this way? I'm annoyed by the way he spits, grunts and everything else, the way he looks at me. I don't love my child.

Dear people, tell me how I can deal with this. Maybe it's just because of the difficulties, because he was born sick, but I blame it all on him. In difficult childbirth, in the fact that she is forced to stay in hospitals with him. I'm tired of hospital walls, of doctors and problems, of constant fatigue and screaming. The child was initially very capricious, and generally hard to touch, he yells when you change a diaper, he yells when you get dressed, in general he screams constantly. I simply can’t calmly react to a child’s crying, I start screaming at him, although I understand that he is not to blame.

The child test-antibiotic.com after surgery has a disorder of the central nervous system, plus a whole bunch of other diseases. I don’t know how to cope with my condition, sometimes I get so angry that I want to kill this child, I get scared from these thoughts, I admitted that I could spank him, I’m afraid that one day I won’t control myself and strangle him. Help with advice, don't judge strictly. I just don't have enough support.