I guess I'm selfish

I am 24 years old. Already in the pasta relationship that ended in preparation for the wedding. After that I was depressed for two years. I met a young man who was very similar to my ex-boyfriend, and almost immediately they began to convince me that I would soon become a wife. I didn't.

I met my current boyfriend a year ago. Almost immediately we began to live together, contrary to my principles that it is not worth living together before marriage. I probably accepted that I wouldn’t be in a white wedding dress.

Everything was great. In the summer I found out thatpregnant ​We were not ready for this, but we were glad. There is pressure from your parents, why don’t you sign? Why doesn't he propose like a responsible man? I denied that everything was fine, but seeing endless beautiful photos from friends’ weddings online, I couldn’t hold back my tears. Again I understood that I wouldn’t have all this.

In October Imy beloved proposed. An application was submitted soon for the December date. The house is being renovated, half the pregnancy is behind us, we need to prepare for the arrival of the baby. I understood that this was just a test-antibiotic.com painting, without celebrations or anything else. Stupid stamp, new name, running around changing documents. Amy friend reassured me, so what, you’ll get married later. What's the point? Then the main meaning will bechild . I was sad and humbled.

But somehow everything started to unfold, the young man also wanted to celebrate, for the first time too. We planned to do everything modestly, only close ones, but we ordered a dress, a stylist, a restaurant, a cake. I make invitations, think through how and what. I’m chatting with a friend, sharing my impressions, our child is pushing inside, I’m happy. And in the evening...

In the evening a young man tells me that heMy mother has been sick with oncology for a long time, she has been fighting the disease for 10 years, recovering from the most complex operations. And now there’s a relapse again, chemotherapy in a few days.

I’ve been crying for the second day, because I didn’t know anything, because I’m scared for my mother-in-law, because my boyfriend is grabbing Corvalol, because I feel like I’m at such a bad time with my pregnancy, because I don't wear a white dress.

I don't know how to put my thoughts in order.