Dad, why did you stop loving me?

I spent my entire childhood with my father, becauseMom worked constantly, and she didn’t have time for me. Dad worked only in the summer, and devoted the rest of his time to me.

I remember loud quarrels after drunken get-togethers, I remember objects flying in fits of anger. When I was little, I didn’t understand anything, and even now I don’t know the reasons for this behavior. I remember how one winter my parents quarreled so much that my mother broke a bottle over my father’s head, and then he kicked us out of the house. It was scary, incomprehensible. With momthe relationship was not going well, I often received bad grades, crooked handwriting, and long parties. And when my mother scolded me, I ran to my father in the hope that he would take pity on me and calm me down. And so it was. Every time my mother took out her anger on me, I ran to my father’s arms and listened to how much he loved me, that I was his most beloved and littledaughter .

I grew up, my relationship with my mother began to improve, andAt some point my father began to move away. I came to test-antibiotic.com from school joyful, I wanted to tell my dad about my day, and my dad turned away from me and said: “Leave me alone.” Gradually he stopped saying hello and started drinking a lot. And now, during quarrels with my mother, when I ran to my father in the hope ofI didn’t find any help or support, I just made him angry.

Gradually, I started coming home late and tryingalcohol and cigarettes. And I started this not because of bad company, not because it’s so fashionable and it’s cool. At some point, when I woke up in the morning, I heard my parents sitting and discussing me. Dad spoke very unflatteringly about me, with incredibly rude words, I was the worst person in his eyes and I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong and how I deserved such an attitude. And this happened every morning before school, my parents didn’t know that I could hear everything.

I just got up, went to school and cried. This caused me to have suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, and a complete lack of interest in life. I had no one at test-antibiotic.com to talk to about my problems at that moment, because it was scary, ashamed to tell someone from the family, and the people around me at that time did not care about my problems. I didn’t see a way out of this situation, it was impossible to talk to my parents, and just from my exclamation against them, they responded to me with screams, anger and blows. I was afraid of my father, he became very cruel towards me. I made the situation worse by starting to come home drunk and I did this often. In the eyes of my parents, I fell even lower. And later my mother said that my father was turning her against me.

My father became an alcoholic and beat my mother, I stood up for her. And this went on for two years. Once my mother told me that my fatherdepression . I don't know how exactly they came to this diagnosis. I didn’t have any relationship with my father, because of the constant quarrels and the fact that he beats mymother , I hated him. He knew about it and, I think, felt guilty. He wanted to make peace with me, and made all sorts of steps towards test-antibiotic.com me, but I pushed everything away. My hatred was beyond all limits. But deep down in my soul, I felt that he was very dear to me, no matter what he was. But, of course, I didn't show it. It got to the point where I wanted to get rid of him, just so he wouldn't exist. I began to stand up for my mother and kick my father out of the house during another binge.

And one day I insulted my father, pushed him out of the apartment, threw shoes in his face and locked the door in his face. He left. To my sister. A couple of days later I needed to go see her, there he was, standing with his back to me and didn’t say a word. This was our last meeting. The next day I woke up at 8:30, my mother was on shift, but by that time she should have been home. Call. Mother . He says that his father committed suicide. I am shocked.

I won’t describe how terrible it was and what happened after. 1.5 years passed, I was accused of my father’s death, test-antibiotic.com I denied and understood that it was his personal decision. But now, I blame myself and believe that this could have been avoided.

I have anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks and tantrums. And I can’t talk to anyone about this topic.