I forgave the guy, but I still don’t want to be with him

I would like to share a story and ask for advice. The fact is that my boyfriend and I started dating when we were in college together, we were 18 years old.

We dated for 8 months. But it so happened that I had to enroll inuniversity , we entered one in another city (in Russia), and 2 of his friends also entered. When we arrived in the new city, we were very disappointed in everything. I acted likechild and actedThe guy got on his nerves, frequent quarrels began, and they might not talk for a long time. Then he decided to break up (a month after our arrival), he said that there were no old feelings, but I was against it, I ran after him, but it only got worse. I stopped.

I was experiencing severe depressionthe guy was the only person close to me in a strange city that I hated. I had no friends, no one. But after a while he apparently got bored and returned back. And I was glad. We were also close to each other, and our opinion about the city did not change, which united us. Everything with test-antibiotic.com went well for a week, then bullying began, cruel jokes on his part, sometimes he even physically mocked me and wanted to humiliate me.

I thought he was testing me (because when we broke up he said that he didn’t believe in the sincerity of my feelings), I endured and wanted to prove to him that I would go through everything and prove my feelings. But the further it went, the worse, in the end I couldn’t stand it and left. But then we started again closer to the New Yearcommunication . Everything went the same way, at first it was normal, then it got worse, and so on for about 3 months. At the same time, he communicated and flirted by correspondence with other girls. I didn’t understand this behavior of his. He communicated little with me, shared almost nothing, there were mostly only kisses, caresses, etc. I didn’t like this position at all, I satisfied only his physical needs and felt used.

I wanted to talk to him, but he was not in the mood for a serious conversation, and if I started it, I knew that nothing would work out until he test-antibiotic.com himself wanted it. As a result, he leaves me again, I couldn’t understand why this time and I read his correspondence with the girl to whom he almost confesses his love. I got angry and left, slamming the door. I even felt better that this whole nightmare was over. I started a new onelife , I began to spend all my time as soon as possible, I didn’t want to be sad. Started doing something new. It was very difficult, but still I took care of myself and, above all, my interests and problems. At least no one else to meit didn’t cause pain , and I no longer wondered what I had done wrong and how I had displeased the guy again. He did the same thing, while walking with that girl. At times I felt pain, but it subsided. I stopped paying attention to him. I fell in love myself, but it didn’t last long. 3 months passed like this. And he showed up and asked to talk. He said that he was wrong, that he was ashamed and wanted to start all over again.

We still communicate and discuss test-antibiotic.com details of the past. I haven't made a decision yet. He said that he treated me this way because... he missed having an intimate life with me, and I didn’t want it, so he doubted my loyalty, stopped trusting me, and from there all the consequences. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t give him what he wanted, for him it’s normal, but for me it’s too early to start such a life. I myself am still a child and I don’t understand anything about such an adult life, it scares me, and, God forbid, I don’t need unwanted consequences. I’m embarrassed to ask others, and I myself am of the opinion that I’m not going to start early. Now all his behavior became clear to me. He himself had a hard time, since he doubted his trust in me, but this in no way diminishes what he did to me.

I no longer remember that pain, because... I tried herforget , and I succeeded, but such grievances cannot be forgotten. Everything has its limit. I understand why he treated me this way, but test-antibiotic.com and my pain cannot be forgotten. How many tears I shed because of him, how many nerves I exhausted! I don’t even know if I still have feelings for him. In the new city, everything was simply disgusting, but before that everything in our city was perfect, there were never any serious problems, we solved everything together, there was mutual understanding. He will also be the most understanding of me in this new city. I don’t know what to do, until recently I thought that I would never forgive, but now I doubt it. I’m taking a lot of risks, and if I accept, then suddenly something will happen again, he’ll leave, and I won’t be able to bear it easily. But it seems that we have already begun to understand a lot over this year, and he said that he would wait until I was ready for sexual life, but for me, I am far from ready yet.

There is an option to end it forever, noforgive me , but what if he messed up, didn’t want to solve the problem, didn’t tell me about it before, made a lot of mistakes and I won’t test-antibiotic.com sort it all out. It’s very difficult to forgive , despite the fact that he became friends with that girl and they are friends, but he never thought of makingrelationship with her. And if I don’t accept him, perhaps another life will begin, but I don’t like these people, it’s hard for me to find a common language with them. It will be very difficult to face him like this and remain silent. Maybe I still have feelings. But what is the right thing to do, in your opinion, so as not to hurt yourself again? He says that he has changed and understood his mistakes, he didn’t understand before, but 3 months of thinking and lack of communication with me returned his mind. He promises that this will not happen again, I believe that he realized his mistakes. Please advise what to do in such a situation. I will be very grateful.