A pain that will never go away

Why doesn't this thought let me go, why does thisThe pain is becoming more and more unbearable, why is it that what I recently resisted has now become the most desirable for me? MyConfession is a warning to everyone who is thinking about whether they need children or not. No, I am not a follower of the notorious saying about the bunny and the lawn, I am the one who committedan act whose consequences bore fruit a decade later. I want to tell my story, and maybe it will save someone from rash actions.

Unfortunately, I was not a very beautiful child, and then a thin teenager, and I did not often receive attention from guys. I’m 19 years old, I’m studying in college, and then he appears - 10 years older, tall and stately. I will also say that I grew up without a father (he drank and beat my mother, she got divorced, and I lived with my grandparents). I couldn't even believe that he was like thisa man would pay attention to me if I knew what ourrelationship , then I would run without looking back. No, he was not married, did not drink, worked as an official at test-antibiotic.com and, in general, was a positive person. Our relationship developed and after some time, we had sex, I, of course, thought about contraception, but time passed, and I relaxed, and he said that nothing bad would happen in the first days of the cycle. I understand that I should have thought with my own head and I don’t at all shift the blame onto him, but what happened happened. His faithful system failed and I became pregnant.

It’s simply impossible to describe what was going on in my soul; there was no question of telling my mother, she lived with my stepfather, and he was a man of a different nationality and would simply have killed her because of me. My man said that heMom won’t understand and something needs to be decided, what exactly, I think you guessed. Why lie, I didn’t want this myself, I had excellent grades, dreamed of a certain job, and all this could have gone to waste. The decision was made, and as time allowed, there was an abortion. Grandmother knew about this and she said that test-antibiotic.com is the most correct decision and there is no need to spoil it for yourselflife (my mother gave birth to me early, and she was afraid that I would repeat her fate).

Now, 15 years later, I understand what was the worst thing in this whole situation - my indifferentattitude towards what happened, I was absolutely not worried that I was killing what was inside me, I was worried that everything would work out. Day X came, and everything went the way I wanted. After everything, my soul sometimes began to “hurt,” but I tried to nip it all in the bud and not think about it. I moved away from the young man, although he wanted our relationship to continue, I could not. Time has passed and now I am a university student, confident in myself, and at the same time preparing to get the job I dreamed of. Life is in full swing and everything is fine. Keeping that incident in mind, I take birth control pills and also use other means of protection. And then, despite the protection, it happens againpregnancy . Panic, shock andthe question is why? Dream job, study, everything goes to hell. The author of the work disappears, and I make a decision test-antibiotic.com for which there is no justification. Now I’m crying, I understand what I’m doing, but still, I’m doing it, because the time is short. In no case do I shift responsibility onto men or the failed contraception, I am to blame and only me. After the second abortion, I began to communicate with my future husband; before the wedding, I honestly told everything about how I felt that there would beProblems . He understood and never thought about it, although he asked us not to immediately decide after the wedding.to give birth to a child, I agreed that living for myself would not be bad.

Several years passed, and I started talking about children, more and more often I remembered what I had done and cried bitterly when no one saw. Attempts began and they were unsuccessful; there was one frozen pregnancy, which I barely survived. I don't seem to have any particular problems, buthusband yes. In order to further clarify the situation with my health, I need to cure my husband. This is how I was punished from above. I understand that it’s all my fault, I suggested to my husband that we separate, and what if everything works out with another woman, but he test-antibiotic.com says that he didn’t marry an incubator and maybe this punishment was sent to us for our sins. Well, that’s fine with me, but why should he suffer?

I try not to stress him out with my hysterics, which I now have every month; after confession in church it became easier, but not for long. The boomerang of fate returned to me. This is what I want to say: “Dear girls, I urge you to think and weigh every step, do not rely on someone, from issues of contraception to issues of childbirth. You and only you are responsible for your actions, remember that one wrong step can cancel out a lot in your life! And if you now think that children are not needed at all (as I once thought), then you are very mistaken. Life changes, our priorities change. What you think is too early for you now may turn out to be too late! Take care of yourself and your life, then it’s very difficult to live with this pain, it burns your soul from the inside.”

I understand that a wave of negativity and condemnation will fall on me and I will understand everything perfectly. I needed to tell test-antibiotic.com everything, and if my story saves at least one girl from the horror I committed, I will be very happy. And I also want to add that my first man has two children.