How to cope with a divorce?

I understand everything, I’ve read a bunch of articles, but now I need advice from real people. Here's my story.

Got married at 21husband is the same age. Of course, it was early, but I loved him so much, and it seemed to me that he also loved me. At this point, we have lived together for 21 years, but how did we live? During this time, two children were born, my son is now 20 years old, and my daughter is 15. But I don’t know what to do next. My husband always loved to drink; after the wedding, I was unpleasantly surprised when he drank with his parents. In our family, my adult brothers are still embarrassed at holidays not only to drink in front of their parents, but also to appear drunk to them. And we never saw our father drunk. Amom and generally more glassesI never drank wine .

Of course, I had to immediately express my opinionattitude towards this, but I am too soft a person by nature. I had to immediately take a decisive position on many points, but for some reason test-antibiotic.com I always thought that if my husband andwife love each other, then it is natural to respect and care, not to cause mental pain to the other. But apparently, you have to immediately say what you don’t like, but I was silently offended, and my husband probably didn’t understand what I didn’t like.

And I didn’t like it more and more over the years - at first he began to stay late with friends, and this despite the fact that I never refused to receive guests, now I may not come home to spend the night, if I start to say something, he insults me. He never really liked to do anything at home, but we live in our own house, now I even do everything in the garden alone or with the children. During the time we lived, I helped him finish college in absentia, he had no education, and when he left for sessions, I was left alone with small children (my parents live far away), sometimes without money, because he needed had to pay for school. And somehow by chance I found out that he was there with friends and went to restaurants, and test-antibiotic.com did not deny himself anything, although he knew that it was difficult for me.

I’m not justifying myself, he probably became uninterested in me, although I tried to organize holidays, and we went on visits together, although I would have liked to spend time with my family somewhere in nature or in good company. And it’s impossible to have fun all the time, because in any family there are so many things to do, and when I asked him to do something, at best I heard: “I’ll do it” - but everything remained on me. If he worked around the clock - but there’s nothing on this side either, he works, of course, but when it’s financially difficult, then in our family I always start to get out, look for part-time work. Now we have started to build a house in the suburbs (before that we rented a house), it is very difficult, we have to hire him for any work, although something could be done on our own, but he doesn’t want to. Moreover, almost always, if he is not working (and he works for a month, rests for a month), he is drunk. When you start talking, he immediately screams. I'm tired of everything, I test-antibiotic.com know that I can cope without him, I offered to separate - he doesn't want to, he says that he loves him, he won't be able to live without a family, and I feel sorry for him, sexually everything is fine with us, only this not often, because when he drinks or we quarrel, I can’t overcome myself.

And the worst thing happened recently - I saw his intimate correspondence on the phone, maybe this has been going on for a long time, but I was not in the habit of checking anything. I tried to talk to him, he claims that these are just words, in reality there is nothing. But the number is real, and I feel it happened. But I was so offended and disgusted, and I filed a complaint.divorce , but in case of divorce you will have to sell the unfinished house, and for theseneither he nor I and the children will be able to buy anything with money . At first he told me everything, and that I was a fool, and had long been a stranger to him, and that I was hysterical. And then that he loves, and he doesn’t need anyone.

It’s so scary to give up everything and start over, I can calm down from the resentment of not test-antibiotic.com, I feel sorry for my parents, I never complained to them, they thought that everything was fine with us, they didn’t know about his drinking. Where should I go with the children, I work at school,my son is still studying at the institute. In the summer he works part-time, but during school I don’t allow him, and I reproach myself so much that the children see the wrong familyrelationship . Although he never offended children, he is always affectionate with them, but he will never try for them, neither materially nor morally. I can’t afford to rent a house, I also needa loan to pay extra, which again I took out for construction, since I have a budget organization and a higher salary. Scary and painful, but alsoI can’t forgive , I think he doesn’t really love me, it’s just been convenient for him all these years.

Now he’s been drinking again for a week, and again it’s my fault, according to him, I “led him on” with the divorce. I know that when he is left alone, he will become completely drunk, he has no one to go to - test-antibiotic.com he only has a drinker leftmother , he doesn’t go to her, my daughter and I even whitewash and paint there without him. I see that he himself is worried, but he didn’t even ask for forgiveness - it’s my fault that I accidentally took his phone. How to find the strength to survive all this? I'm afraid I won't be able to stand it and withdraw the divorce petition.