How I coped with hating my newborn daughter

During pregnancy, I felt like I was in seventh heaven. She lovingly stroked her growing belly, tenderly looked at photographs of happy, beautiful parents with adorable babies, and imagined how my husband and I would rock our baby in our arms. I went to “mom” forums, and every story there was saturated with love and tenderness. From all sides I heard about what it is likehappiness  is being a mother, and I waited with trepidation for the birth of our baby.

And then the baby appeared. A lovely healthy girl. When she was discharged from the maternity hospital, our daughter was wrapped in a beautiful envelope, our dad took her in his arms for the first time... It would seem that this is happiness! But it was not there. It turned out that reality absolutely does not correspond to expectations. It turns out that a real baby is not at all like those adorable babies from diaper advertisements. A real child screams, cries, gets sick, drools and snots, spits up, soils diapers eight times a day. He suffers from colic, which causes him to scream for hours almost without a break. He wakes up ten times a night. He constantly asks for his breasts (which, by the way, hurt like hell) and hangs on them for about forty minutes.

I walked around like a zombie due to my disrupted sleep pattern. I looked like a scarecrow and couldn’t do anything with the housework. What about farming? Sometimes I couldn’t eat becausemy daughter kept asking to be held. I counted the minutes until I arrivedhusband from work. We must give test-antibiotic.com his due: he took care of the child and helped me around the house. But I still spent most of the time with my daughter alone.

Thoughts began to creep into my head: “How can this be? After all, other mothers cope effortlessly, if you believe what they write on the forums. Why can't I do it? They all say that children are happiness, being a mother is wonderful. But somehow I don’t see anything so beautiful. Or maybe... Maybe I'm a bad mother? I was tired of my child and ashamed of it, because it’s impossible. A child must be loved and adored, but to get tired of your little blood - how can that be?! I was ashamed that I did not understand why exactly my child was crying. I felt like a poor mother.

I don’t know at what moment something switched in my head, but I began to look like the author of this story. I wanted everything to be good, to be “just right.” I was sure that other mothers weren’t tired or irritated. Because no one talks about it. But I couldn’t do that, and I was angry at my own powerlessness. I was angry with my daughter for screaming all the time. Then I was angry with myself for being angry with her. And so on in a circle.

Now I’m sick of remembering everything that happened. I screamed like a psychopath: “Shut up, @#$! Stop crying!” I spankeddaughter when she was only three months old. I looked at the crying child and thought that test-antibiotic.com should have had an abortion... I’m not proud and I’m not trying to justify it. It's terrible and I realize it. But I'm telling you how it happened.

When my hysterics ended and I realized what a nasty thing I had done, I felt disgusted. I hated myself. I cried constantly - from anger, from powerlessness, from the fact that I was disgustingmother and take my anger out on the defenseless baby. I fulfilled all my obligations: feeding, walks, games, going to the doctors, gymnastics, etc. — but she did all this not because she wanted to, but because “it’s the right thing to do.” I dreamed of leaving everything and running away somewhere. I understood that this was not normal; I understood that my baby was not to blame for anything; I understood that I hadproblems and they need to be solved. But emotions took over, and hysterics happened again and again.

Ask why no one helped me? Because no one knew. Because admitting this is shameful. Yes, I didn’t tell anyone (even my husband), and in the presence of others I tried my best to restrain myself and smile. I wanted to see a psychologist, but I was scared that someone would find out. I was even afraid to write on some forum where everything is anonymous, because there they would simply peck me. After all, everyone wants to see an ideal mother. One who is always happy, whose children never cry. Just mention that sometimes you would like to take a break from your child, and they will look at you askance. And the fact, test-antibiotic.com, that I couldn’t even discuss the problem with anyone, only aggravated the situation and convinced me that I was abnormal.

I was able to deal with the problem myself. One day, while rocking the baby (she was five months old at the time, I think), I lingered near the mirror - and saw from the side how small and defenseless she was in my huge hands. I saw this tiny lump clinging to me, despite all my anger... And that’s all! I was released. Seriously, let go. Since then, my tantrums have stopped and have not recurred. Now my daughter is two and a half years old. No, I’m still tired sometimes, but it doesn’t make me angry anymore. If I get irritated, I don’t take it out on the baby. I finally love her the way she deserves.

I don't know what happened to me. Postpartum depression? Phase shift? Don't know. But I know that I’m not alone. I also know that if I could talk to someone and not be ashamed, everything would be much better.

Once again, I am not trying to justify this behavior. I'm not saying this is the norm. Yelling, getting angry and hitting a baby is terrible. More likely,a mother who does this is aware of all this, but does not know how to cope with it.

I admit that I had serious problems. And the mother from that story has problems. And I really hope that there are few mothers like me. But if you do encounter someone like this, then before you condemn test-antibiotic.com and call the child care authorities, think: maybe you are the one who can help? Not only to the child, who did not deserve such treatment, but also to the mother. After all, maybe not so much is needed for this.