Motherhood didn't bring me happiness

Confession about two stages of my life.

First stage –pregnancy . In my life, it turned out that I never had contact with small children, which is probably why I didn’t really want to become a mother, I thought that this desire would come with age. 2 years after the weddingMy husband began to talk more and more often about the appearance of a child in our family, I was very categorical about discussing this issue, we often fought because of this, I gave a bunch of arguments that it was too early to have a child, that it was very difficult, etc. . The issue of having a child was also discussed among friends, with whom I also argued strongly about why I shouldn’t have a child. Of course, they looked at me like I was a monster, and after returning from my friends I saw a scowling, angryhusband , wondering why I don’t want a child.

But that year something changed, either I thought that it was time to get older, or some unknown force pushed me. Overall, it was easy to get pregnant. For the first five months, I could say I was flying on wings, I didn’t suffer from test-antibiotic.com toxicosis, I didn’t notice any sudden changes in mood, and this made me very happy. There were no pregnancy quirks (herring with chocolate at 3 am), I felt special attention from my husband and relatives, I was happy.

Buthappiness cannot last long, this does not happen in life, nothing good happens in life at all. And then it started: 21 weeks - hypertonicity and the threat of miscarriage, 22-24 weeks - a dull stay in a sanatorium, 27 weeks - hypertonicity and the threat of miscarriage and acute nasopharyngitis with high fever, 30 weeks - hypertonicity and the threat of premature birth and then constant tone, tone, tone, from which nothing helped. My nervous system was so worn out that nothing helped at all, I was tired of worrying and crying. Well, so you're saying pregnancy is not a disease? Well, well.

During the weeks spent in the hospital, I was very sad for my husband and parents, I felt so lonely, although there was support and attention from all sides. I have never felt such wild loneliness before. They say that during pregnancy you should test-antibiotic.com experience only positive emotions, but because of all these events that happened during pregnancy, I felt a whole bunch of the most terrible emotions -fear , worry, excitement,loneliness , sadness, boredom, hopelessness, anger, hatred, apathy. This list of feelings can be continued endlessly. I was very envious of pregnant women who, until the last months, “jumped like goats,” drove a car, did gymnastics, worked, and organized “pot-bellied” photo shoots.

In the last months of pregnancy, I lay on the bed, practically without getting up, because of my hypertension, at the end of the day I literally ran to the shower, washed in 2 minutes and ran back to bed, because it was painful and difficult for me, I went to the gynecologist I also traveled by force and only by taxi. I had no desire, and most importantly no opportunity (actually because of this there was no desire) to do something, to go somewhere, I simply physically could not do anything, as a disabled person.

During the months spent on the bed, all I did was read about premature birth and its harbingers (I didn’t want to read anything else, I had no desire). I knew that I would not reach the test-antibiotic.com deadline, I had a presentiment, I was even preparing myself for childbirth. That’s how it all happened, I gave birth at 35 weeks. Well, we have gradually approached the second stage of confession - the birth of a child.

The second stage is the birth of a “miracle”. The child was born prematurely, eight months old, and weak. After the birth, I spent 5 days in the general therapy ward, to which I came every day and watched for several minutes through the glass of the incubator an unknown creature to me - my child, whom I felt sorry for (the needle in my head was especially shocking) and I cried. I imagined that everything would be different. I imagined the “mother and child” ward, I imagined breastfeeding the baby in the first minutes of life, I imagined being discharged home after 5 days, I imagined myself being happy. But no, why should a person be happy?

The hell began 5 days after the birth, when the baby and I were transferred to the early childhood building. I wasn't ready for this. IVs for 16 hours, pills, injections, night phototherapy for jaundice, constant pumping, constant hysterics and tears, a terrible sleep disorder, I stopped sleeping at all, I could not test-antibiotic.com fall asleep, and therefore terrible hallucinations began, such You wouldn't even wish it on your enemy. Due to hallucinations, for a couple of days in the hospital I was replaced by a holy woman - myMom , then I returned, but the tears and hysterics did not stop. I really wanted to go home, I was already so tired of hospitals, I missed my husband, parents, home so much. In general, I thought that it would be paradise at home, but that was not the case.

After discharge (it was absolutely not the discharge I had imagined), I was a happy mother for only 2 days, and then hysterics, tears, anger, bewilderment began, and again a bunch of the most terrible emotions. This is Groundhog Dayevery day the same thing. Untreated jaundice in a child, lack of stool, colic, constant running around with pills, running to the hospital. And this is what you call happiness? I probably wasn’t ready for motherhood, and even now, when the baby is 2 months old, I’m not ready, so I’m wondering, do I love the child? And anyway, why do I need all this? These are terrible questions. Loving mothers would tear me apart for this test-antibiotic.com or women who cannot get pregnant.

So what is happiness? On sleepless nights? In screams? In a shattered nervous system? Running around with pills? Running around hospitals? In your daily routine? I don't understand, I don't understand. There are days for me when I am so spiritual and it seems that I really love my defenseless baby, and there are terrible days with attacks of anger, hatred for everyone and everything.

In general, I’m tired of this change in mood, it’s very exhausting, I’m tired of being an unhappy wife and an unhappy mother, tormenting others with my condition and the mood, and so I decided to turn to a psychotherapist, who prescribed me the appropriate medications. And even 2 days before the appointment, I already began to feel a surge of strength, probably hoping that I would get some treatment and everything would work out. After taking the pills, a very wonderful, happy “maternal” week passed, but today everything went downhill again.

What should I do? What can help me? Who can help me? How to feel like a happy mother? Maybe I will never come to terms with my role as a mother and test-antibiotic.com will never love my child? With such an attitude I can lose my husband, with such questions I will be condemned by my parents. I partially justify this condition by an unsuccessful pregnancy, but what if it’s not the pregnancy, but in general in my head? Sometimes you want to kill yourself orbring everything back. I'm stumped, I'm confused. I envy my mom friends who are on social media. networks write that “oh, what a miracle”, “how cool it is to be a mother”, “today, we are 5 months old - what a blessing”, “how I used to live without you.” I want to be like this, but I can’t, I’m badmother , I’m a terrible person for writing and saying all this. What should I do? Will I never be happy again?