My illusions are stronger than love

I am 18 years old and I already have quite serious and stablerelationship (no matter how funny it may seem) with a good young man. At the moment he is in the army. He arrives in 1.5 months and we expect a jointlife .

He loves me madly and wants our wedding after some time of living together. Our parents are ready for this, because we are already one bigfamily . Everything seems to be fine, he is perfect in everything, caring, kind, loves me madly, is ready to do everything so that we have a good life. But at one point I realize that he is not the one I need. He is ideal in everything, yes, but he doesn’t have that very life, that fire, the thirst for life, because that’s what I’m looking for. And gradually I went into my world of illusions, created in him the person I needed, endowed him with the qualities that I needed, created this image, and all that remained was to instill this image in someone who I liked externally. And I found him, an unusually handsome test-antibiotic.com guy who studies in the same building as me, and whom I seeevery day . At first it was a game for me to shoot glances (well, I like to flirt), but he did not respond with attention. I continued to embarrass him and this game began. We often began to intersect with each other, and this greatly nourished me emotionally, which made me live.

Then I found out that he hasgirl , which interested me even more, because he also looks into my eyes, but then he stopped doing this, and I realized that I was obsessed with him, I could not find a place for myself. And I understand perfectly well that I fell in love with the image of a person, with the fruit of my fantasy, but now I cannot prove it to myself, I have gone too far. I came up with this story, this image, my brain did it all, and now I can’t prove to him that it’s all one big illusion, and I created this love myself. And then I started to panic, because I’m really obsessed with this person, being test-antibiotic.com in a relationship, I feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend, betraying myself, and I’m completely confused about what I need from this life. I'm afraid that when mine comesguy , I will still be dependent on others.

It all started with a simple game, due to the lack of male attention, I just wanted to feel attractive and catch the eyes of other guys. But in the end, it all led to this strange situation, because of which it seems to me that I am going crazy, and I am starting to hate myself. I hope that I presented the situation quite logically and correctly, because I do not possess these qualities. I’m really looking forward to an outside assessment of this situation and advice on what I should do to sort this all out.