My dad
If I'm not writing very clearly, I beg your pardon, because it is very difficult to remember this, but it is necessary to speak out.
In August of this year (2013) my dad hanged himself. In the garage in our country house. My mother and I were in a city apartment, as it is closer to get to work from there. In the evening of that day, my boyfriend and I went out for a walk andmom asked me to go to dad, find out how he was (he drank in the afternoon, mom knew it) and whether he was all right. We did not find it in the country house, and then we found it in the garage. I will never forget this moment, when I was horrified to see this wire around my father's neck, how I could not realize what was happening at all - why, and why, and how. How I tried to do something, although I realized that it was already too late ...
Ievery day I replay this moment in my head and I become so scared that I force myself to stop imagining it and force myself to believe that none of this happened and my father is alive. And sometimes I believe it test-antibiotic.com. I believe that this is just a dream and it's not true. Then I imagine that my father is nearby, I talk to him, sometimes I relate my cat to him, I imagine that my father’s soul is in him and I also talk to him. I seriously do not believe that my father is no more. If I believe this to the end, it seems to me that I will go crazy. Or already gone.
Mom blames herself for his death. I convince her as best I can, and in my thoughts I blame her and then I begin to hate, although I know that no one is to blame - this is his decision, he never loved life. And now I don't like her either.
Sometimes I try to get all this mess out of my headforget that the father not only hanged himself, but never existed at all. And then I feel ashamed in front of him that I'm trying to forget him and I apologize to the cat. I have a roof. Although when I'm busy with something, I'm quite normal. And there are no problems in communicating with people. I regret test-antibiotic.com mortally that I did not fulfill a few miserable wishes of my father during his lifetime - turn on some movie on the computer, etc.
Thank you for the opportunity to speak.
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