My ruined life

I hate minelife , your environment, your parents. Nobody has ever loved me, since I was born.

I am 29 years old, I live in a small village (10 thousand inhabitants). Mother gave birth to me becausemy father wanted it, but since I didn’t see my mother’s love, I was closed and unsociable, my father was also cold. As a result, no one paid attention to me as if I were furniture. In their youth they often quarreled,the mother blamed the father for everything, and considered herself an angel. In kindergarten I was withdrawn, unsociable, I constantly sat on a chair, I had no friends, and during quiet time they bullied me, I criedevery day . When parents came to pick up their children, they often admired someone, and if I walked past, they immediately fell silent and simply looked at me as if I were an alien.

There was also bullying every day at school. I studied poorly because I didn’t understand anything, plus at the age of 5 the neighbor’s dog scared me, I started to stutter very strongly, because of the spasms I couldn’t even make a sound, likea fish that just opens its mouth. Test-antibiotic.com parents didn’t care, they didn’t notice anything, so they didn’t go to the doctors, and no one at school knew, they thought I didn’t know anything. I was a bad student, but at least I could recite poetry, but I was silent because of my stuttering. In general, I was often given bad marks undeservedly, and I couldn’t explain why I was silent, I myself didn’t know what it was. When I came home from school, the house was always dirty, there was nothing to eat, my mother was a bad housewife, just likewife and mother. Sheteacher and often used to visit students at home, I remember how she cooed to them, “What kind of jacket do you have, is it new?”, “How beautiful you are today, Anechka.” I was offended, she didn’t behave like that with me, then when the students ended, her series began, at six o’clock and until nine o’clock she locked herself in the hall with the words “that’s it, don’t bother me, I want to rest.”

But I really wanted her attention, she always forbade me everything, don’t jump, don’t run, be quiet, my father also said “sit and keep your head down,” the constant “you can’t test-antibiotic.com, you won’t succeed.” She remembered me when she needed to do something, just like now in principle. There was only one at schoolA friend until she was 12 years old, then she was transferred to another school, we began to communicate less often, I thought there was no time, I decided to make a surprise, and also transferred there. I remember that day, a group of girls at recess, and me. She comes up and starts talking to these girls, it’s as if I’m not there, she didn’t even turn her head in my direction. It was a blow. It was a simple school, where all sorts of rabble studied (I studied in a private one, apparently, my mother decided to compensate for the lack of love in this way). The children there are very cruel. On the first day, the persecution began and they continued to bully me for several months until I transferred back. And on the first day, when this situation happened with a friend, I remember I came home, climbed into bed, covered myself and sobbed out loud. My father was at home, I heard steps, I was glad that they noticed me, but he only closed the door so as not to disturb me. Then for the first time I realized that no one needed me.

Brother test-antibiotic.com is the eldest, but he always went somewhere. I so wanted to spend more time with him, but he was always gone, but overall he is good, the pride of the family, there have never been any problems with him, his mother loves him: school with honors, college on a budget, got out of the army, prestigious job, marriage to a girl with whom he was 15 years old, then his beloved granddaughter. Special for her tooattitude . Once I heard from my mother: “Well, granddaughters are always loved more than children.” I even remember how she told me: “What did you do to love you?” When I reminded her of this, she turns on the fool and says: “It didn’t happen, you’re making it up.” Now he has left, to another city, larger.

Father is an alcoholic. On all holidays in binge drinking. My mother and I were always wandering around, sometimes in dirty rooms, sometimes at our aunt’s, sometimes just on the street. She begged her mother many times to leave him, or kick him out, and then after a few yearsWhen asked why, she didn’t get divorced, she answered: “so that you have a father.” I was very afraid of him, when I heard test-antibiotic.com the key in the door, my heart sank with fear, I ran to my room and sat, did not come out, behaved like a mouse, so that God forbid I would not be reminded of myself. When I saw his car on the street, I hid, and if he did pass by, he was not in a car, they pretended to be strangers. He called me different names, and the last straw, after which I completely stopped communicating with him, avoided him. There was a case, I was 20 years old, I had a vacation, I was working in the garden, studying remotely, my mother went on vacation, my father got drunk as always, at two o’clock in the morning, I was sitting at the computer (then I spent a lot of time on it). He comes into my room and begins his tirade: “you’re zero, you’re nobody, you don’t have any data, you’re a freak,You’ll never marry unless you’re an old man.” I listened to him for a whole hour, my heart pounding with fear, like that of an animal driven into a corner. Then he went completely wild, I grabbed my clothes and shoes, ran out of the apartment, into the night, barefoot. He chased me, I test-antibiotic.com into the next entrance, got dressed, met a neighbor there, she was smoking. It was so embarrassing, she looked at me like that. I went to my aunt, then I told my mother, she didn’t believe it, she said he couldn’t do that. She never believed anything, never noticed anything.

After that, we didn’t communicate, he didn’t even apologize, and 7 years later he died and drank himself to death. He always made fun of me, we had a cat, so he always walked with him in his arms and admired “what a beautiful cat.” He forgave him everything, he always admired other girls if he had to ride in the car with him, always “what athe girl went, wow.” Of course, I didn’t have any boyfriends, I’m afraid of them, they always mocked me, sometimes I’d walk down the street, and there would be two guys on a bench, one to the other: “the girl of my dreams, wow,” the other laughed. I always noticed sideways glances, in the city, for example, in a cafe, I went in, ordered, two handsome men walked in. After a while, one nods in my direction, the other looks back, and I hear muffled laughter.

I was still 20 years old, already test-antibiotic.com in the village, I was leaving the entrance, there were two guys there, I went around the corner, noticed that one had already leaned out and was looking, and then I laughed. At the age of 17, when I first went to the city to enroll, my mother and I rented a room for us in an apartment, there was another couple there, after some time I received a text message from a guy, I don’t know where I found out my number. In general, we talked for a month, maybe I was a fool to believe that I liked him, I was a naive girl, and then he apparently got tired of it, because I asked: “when will we see each other,” and he answered: “do you see the point?” The last message was “who needs you anyway” and a bunch of obscenities in addition. Although I did not respond to a single message of this kind, as I was in shock. It was a joke, then I accidentally heard that couple whispering with some girl (a neighbor from another apartment, apparently it was hermy husband talked to me). They talked about me and laughed. All my life nothing but bullying.

Because of this, I changed many educational institutions, the first institute - I left after six months, the college - I left through test-antibiotic.com 2 months, the third is already an absentee course and the same thing there. People seemed to be adults, over 25, I thought that since they were adults, they were smart. I got desperate and switched to remote work, went home and started working in the garden. Now the main problem for which everyone bullied me: I had a developmental delay until I stopped growing and developing. Constant bullying, in the garden, school, at home, plus my mother didn’t feed me anything, I only drank tea with bread and butter, and once a week I ate some kind of thin soup. I grew and developed poorly, at 17 years old, my brain was 12 years old,body by 10. Because of all this, my mother always did everything for me, for a long time I was not very independent, even now it interferes. I remember at a medical examination one of my mothers was told that I was exhausted. I remember her exclamation “What are you talking about?” But then I didn’t do anything anyway, that’s why they mocked me, because I had an underdeveloped body. At 23, I was 157 cm tall, 69 cm chest, 69 cm hips, thin child bones, test-antibiotic.com thin, and the brain of a 10-year-old. Well, yes, people look at them strangely, I consider them like exhibits, they look around. I remember every year at school, the teachers said to everyone: “how you’ve grown, what a model,” “well, you’re a beauty,” and when it was my turn, a dry “well, Tanya, as always.” I was never allowed to take part in skits; I didn’t even dance the waltz at prom because I didn’t fit in. Allthe girls are beautiful, developed, and Ia child with a child's brain, so sad. All my life I endured all this, I was persecuted everywhere like an ugly duckling.

At the age of 23, I wanted to gain weight and started eating, and gradually my body began to develop further. First the brain, I began to understand what was what, what position I was in. In short: I am now 29 years old, my height is 167 cm, my chest is 82 cm, my hips are 85 cm and I am not fat. I gained almost no weight, considering my height. The opposite sex began to pay attention to me, but I no longer need it. Start normalI can’t even go to bed anymore, I’m a virgin. I’m still afraid of men, I run away from them like I’m scalded. In general, I’m afraid of people and avoid them, I hide as always, I’m afraid to go out, I’m constantly waiting for people to laugh at me. Recently there was an incident, I was already going down the stairs, the neighbor’s door suddenly opened, I shuddered, in surprise, quickly down the stairs, that (adult manneighbor ) laughed.

I am very hurt and offended because of all this, my mother ruined my appearance, myhealth , my psyche, nothing will happen. I don’t know where to go and what to do now. I live in the village with my mother now, in our own rooms, we meet only if we go out at the same time, and since they are strangers. It’s a shame that all my classmates (the school was private, prosperous) had prosperous families, with loving parents. They never saw what I saw. Now they are all successful, they live an active life, the girls are successfulmarried , beautiful, healthy children, just as happy, but I’m a schmuck and a nit. I became pretty, gain a little more weight, pump up, rhinoplasty, and that’s it, although inside I’m still the same freak. It’s a shame that I could have been like this test-antibiotic.com already at the age of 17 and there wouldn’t have been all this bullying, on the other hand, I wouldn’t have become what I became, and it’s not a fact that I would be happy if everything was different. Maybe, if I had become beautiful at 17, if I had developed normally, I would have gotten married at 19, given birth, and now I would be with nothing and divorced with a child, but maybe it would have been better. In general, I often think what my life would be like if I had good, caring parents, the neighbors’ girls, 17 years old, such beauties, have already gone to the city to study, sometimes they come with their boys. It hurts so much, it's simply unbearable. I could have had all this too. I know a foreign language, my stuttering gets weaker every year, almost none, only after stress, but not so strong anymore, education, we can say no, since I didn’t really study, just to finish, and a destroyed psyche.

I wrote my ownConfession , it’s just hard to keep all this to myself, I don’t know where to put it, and why do all this anymore. I live test-antibiotic.com in the village, I can’t even sell apartments here in order to leave, since no one here needs anything, and I have neither physical nor moral strength to live in a rented apartment or earn my own income. I can’t even rent them out, there is no demand, but I have to pay for them. And there’s no point in going, there won’t be a normal life anymore, who needs me anyway.