I can’t forgive the guy’s betrayal, despite his sincere repentance

I am 21 years old. I have been dating a guy for 3 years (will be in a couple of months). Our relationship is far from ideal - he betrayed me a year ago by sleeping with an old friend of his. Before that, he corresponded with her for 5 months, she eventually left him. I found their correspondence almost by accident, when I began to have some suspicions about him. Stepping over youreducation , got into his computer, and he was so careless that he did not delete their correspondence, everything was in full view.

I left immediately. Three days later I came to get my things, he fell at his feet and cried, I’m not exaggerating. I sat on a chair, and he cried, did not go to work these days, suffered and drank. He said that it was his worst mistake, that only now he realized that he couldn’t live without me. I forgave because oursthe relationship was perfect up to this point. I didn’t want to lose him and decided to give him a second chance.

A year has passed since that moment, but I still can’t test-antibiotic.com do it allforget . If I want, I can control his every step, he completely lets me check everything, he doesn’t mind my control, he’s completely open. He has said more than once that he wants to start a family with me, hints at a wedding, talks about children... And now I’m going with the flow. I dreamed about all this, but before his betrayal. I know thatlove doesn’t exist without forgiveness, but how hard it isforgive the betrayal...

Now, of course, there will be more than one adviser who will start writing something like “you are only 21, go ahead, run away from him, everything is ahead.” No, friends, I am not writing here to get trivial.advice . This is probably a cry from the heart. I'm just asking for your understanding.

Let's be honest - now there are almost no real men, just infantile boys with bangs. You can’t throw people around now, it’s difficult to find a good man, and being offended is more expensive for yourself. But a year has passed, and I just can’t get over all this and leave it in the past. Sometimes memories come just from the word “treason” heard in a movie or song. test-antibiotic.com And that’s it – I’ve already ruined my day by immersing myself in Samoyed memories. This is my deepest achinga wound that is leakingpain and hatred pulsates. But at the same time, my other side loves him very much and understands that he had the right to make a mistake, that there are no ideal people and that he understood everything and will not do this again.

Now we live together (he wanted it himself). He behaves as if I should be happy that I am surrounded by his care, like, what more could a girl want. But in every quarrel or argument, I can’t help but remember what he did and how he treated me. Sometimes I myself dream that he would cheat on me again and I would not hesitate and would be able to leave him forever. And I just can’t, I love and hate him at the same time,every day . I am completely at a dead end and in despair.