I can't forgive myself for quarreling my family

I am 23 years old, I live with my parents in the same city. Mother and father are trying to build a house and all the strength andthe money goes there. It can be seen and understandable that the construction site battered them both morally and physically. We don’t go anywhere together, it’s some kind of groundhog day. From this, the parents began to hate each other, they do not talk, only on business, and if on business, then through gritted teeth and with anger. They do not sleep together, do not eat together, like neighbors in a hostel.

I see how everyone suffers, and more from the fact that there is no financial opportunity to leave (everything went to this damned house). This is how they live. I moved out half a year ago. All this time I have been observing mom’s anger at dad, and indifference to the situation of dad at mom, who is trying to turn me against dad, dad, on the contrary, pretends that everything is ok. WhereinMom begins to even become toxic in the open with him. I am twisted inside out from these moments, because my mother goes beyond all boundaries in expressions, and my father does not seem to notice, or notices and just leaves.
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I can’t say anything, because my mother is quick-tempered and will fly to me that I am protecting my father. I cannot accept the fact that my mother speaks badly of my father, my brain is not ready to accept this, and I feel sad, angry, offended by everything that happens before my eyes. I used to be with my family, but I began to refuse to go to visit them to watch this disgusting picture at home (I refuse to work or feel unwell). Why should I go there and communicate with everyone separately, blush and get angry for the expressions of my mother, and be sad for my dad. Nobody changes anything, and it is not customary for us to talk in the family.

At a recent gathering of families (mother's sister and ours), the conversation turned to the fact that ourthe family is not peaceful, my grandmother also has a difficult relationship with a drinking grandfather, in general, a collapse from all sides since childhood, from there I am so anxious. I cried because for how many years I have been living in this, absorbing it, transmitting it to myself, crying, I don’t understand how to change it. Aunt test-antibiotic.com began to calm me down, because of that I began to cry even more and told everything I was worried about (everyone knows about quarrels and the complete lack of relationships between mom and dad). I went into the room and did not appear in front of anyone until the end.

Aunt is very worried about me, so at the end, when everyone left (as I was later told), she began to scold dad that it was because of him that I sobbed all evening, called him a bad word and left with my uncle. Everyone quarreled, no one is going to see each other anymore, dad is angry that in his house at his table he is taught how to live. Aunt is angry that I sobbed because of this situation as a whole, mom further blames dad that everything is because of him. I am now in shock and tears from what turns out to be ruined the evening for everyone, quarreled with everyone (we always gathered at home and at a party, there were never any quarrels). And this despite the fact that nothing was decided, but it became even worse. Now outside of our family with mom and dad.

I understand now, test-antibiotic.com, that it would be better not to cry, and everything would remain as it was. I spoiled everything with my experiences and the fact that I shared with my aunt sore. I love her and respect her for her kindness, but it was she who twisted the situation as if only dad was to blame, although I broadcast in such a way that mom should be kinder to dad and not put up a quarrel with me, not say what dad is bad. It’s so bad and painful for me that I should know and hear about the disgusting relationship between mom and dad, so now it’s added that our families will not communicate. And I quarreled everyone with my tears. It’s not that I can’t look in the eyes of everyone (because I endured quarrels from the hut), I can’t continue to live like this. For me, the family was everything, and now everything has become completely impossible.