Can't forgive myself

I want to tell my story about family life and get advice from people from the outside, because I am in turmoil, I cannot find peace and how I should act in general.

I am married, I am 33 years old, my husband is 38. After we met, mymy husband literally carried me in his arms, gave me gifts, there was a lot of attention. After we got married, I was a young girl (20 years old), I was all such an exemplary, excellent student with high moral principles, for which my husband drew attention to me.

My husband, on the contrary, was a slob, so to speak, he almost did not study anywhere, and the most important moment before me, he simply had very, very many girls who did not leave him alone even after our wedding. After meeting me, as my husband said, he stopped communicating with all these girls and always repeated that he did it solely for me! However, I noticed on social networks all the time some kind of love cards, comments with kisses and all that. I never noticed any direct changes. However, the husband of test-antibiotic.com could, for example, say in a cafe: “what a beautiful waitress, but youwife don't be jealous, I'm just saying so. Of course, it all strained me, a young girl, squeezed, my self-esteem was below the plinth.

Then I became pregnant, the birth was difficult, at first I did not get out of the hospital with the child. The child was constantly crying, I slept for 3-4 hours a day. My husband then worked, earned normally, but did not help with the child at all, he said that he was working, he was getting tired and that was enough. After work, he went to his mother to sleep off, and then sat at the computer for days. Then constant dissatisfaction began, that I was a bad wife, I was a badmother , I don’t have time for anything, I have an eternal mess, etc.

Then everything went so that without his permission I could not takemoney . Once I ordered a jacket for myself in an online store and hid it for now, because I was afraid that my husband would not like it. He found this jacket, woke me up at 3 am, shouted, waved this jacket in front of my face and called me names I don’t know who for test-antibiotic.com this terrible act. Among other things, he tormented me with jealousy, believed that while he was at work, I was on maternity leave and brought men to me. Once I wanted to surprise and meet my husband from work near the stop where he gets off, so she got off the bus and threw me a tantrum, why did I go outside and didn’t tell him about it! After everything that happened, I hated him.

Then he lost his job, stayed at home for about six months, and I went to work, the work was outside the city, I was constantly away from home, the child was with my mother. Sometimes I stayed with my mother to spend the night, that is, with my husband it was not a family life, but one name. After going to work, I felt the air and the joy that I do not need to be under constant pressure from my husband. I grew bolder and turned from a squeezed girl into a woman of steel, I answered the attacks and insults of my husband with the same coin. I stopped feeling that I was married, I didn’t care about many things and my husband’s opinion test-antibiotic.com. I lost all respect for him! I just turned into a man who pulls everything on himself. This went on for 3 years, my husband continued to torment me with jealousy, he believed that I had many lovers.

In the evening, I also worked at home, but he said that I did not work, but that I was engaged in love correspondence. Then there was the situation, I was at work, and I urgently needed a husband, I got through to him only at 2 pm, because he played all night, and then slept until dinner. This was my boiling point. I myself found him a job, helped him in everything, then helped him to transfer to another better position. Now my husband has become a normal person, and only after 13 years of marriage I felt that the person appreciates and loves me. However, I blame myself for the fact that maybe I didn’t behave all these years and if I hadn’t turned into a steel aunt, maybe everything would have been different. And so there was a period that I didn’t put my husband in anything because, remembering his test-antibiotic.com moral mockery of me, I didn’t care about him.

Now I’m thinking, maybe I should have taken care of getting him a job earlier and be smarter and more gentle or something. Also during the same period, on a subconscious level, I was looking for another man who would love and protect me. I did not have any direct betrayals on my part and sexual contacts. However, somehow I was attracted by one acquaintance, I immediately say that I had nothing with him, except for any views from the outside and thoughts. Once at a party where this acquaintance was, I drank, relaxed and directly wanted to go up to him to hug something, but he didn’t give me any responses, and it all quickly passed and was forgotten, especially since the person was married . Now I look at my husband today and I'm afraid that someday he will find out about this, leave me and find another.

I am a person with high morals, I cannot forgive myself for this and even think that, being married at test-antibiotic.com, I could look at someone else. I am confused. I even want to tell my husband, divorce him and give him a chance to find another girl. However, I am sorry for so much time that I spent at first in such a hell, as well as the time that I spent on making a man out of a husband! My husband now walks and tells everyone how great I am, that despite everything I was waiting for him, I didn’t get divorced, I didn’t cheat on anyone. And I can’t hear it, because on a subconscious level I was looking for a man instead of a husband. I can't find peace, I don't know what to do. I don’t want to divorce my husband, and I don’t know how to live on!