I can't stand my husband's breakdowns anymore

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, he is a drug addict. I knew about this from the first day, but I did not understand the whole essence of this disease before.

He tried to quit drugs, went to centers, led a healthy lifestyle, but it only lasted for a year at most. During periods of breakdown before, he was normal, behaved like a human being, and I felt sorry for him and helped him fight his addiction. Each time we started again, went to church, prayed. I constantly prayed that he would truly believe and God would heal him. Over time, everything became more complicated, my faith was not enough, his breakdowns occurred at very important moments, for example, on the day before the wedding, on the day of the child’s baptism, where I was godmother.

I hated him as much as I loved him. In moments of breakdowns, I began to react to him with aggressive words, he began to beat me. This has been happening for almost 3.5 years, consistently once every six months, the last year - once every 2-3 months. He leaves for 3-4 days, turns off his phone and uses drugs, flirts while intoxicated and not only with girls, test-antibiotic.com humiliates me with his last words in front of my friends. Then he comes, as if nothing had happened, and goes to live in another room. So a month passes in silence, then he simply says that it is an illness, and that he did not mean to.

For a year now my hatred has prevailed over love, poisoning me from the inside. I can't have itforgive and don’t know what to do or how to live. We live on my territory, the main income comes from me, but I have never belittled my husband. On the contrary, I don't care at allmoney and material side. It’s just that when I kick him out because it’s not normal to leave and not spend the night at home, he starts to show aggression and beat me, because I supposedly humiliate him and point out that this is my house. I understand that he hasproblems with the head. What should I do if I don’t want to live with him?

When he's sober, I brought this up many timesquestion , every time he says that if he does this again, he will leave me alone and go away. But everything repeats itself.

He's been sober for a month now. He started going to the Narcotics Anonymous program. We go to church, I pray and ask God for answers to my questions, but I don’t receive them, I’m in despair. There is no faith that he will be healed. There is no respect, love and mutual understanding for my husband. We don't have children either.

I am 34 years old, I already have thoughts that everything is in vain, my life is worthless, I will not become a mother and will get an incurable disease. When he leaves, I give up. I don’t eat for 2-3 days, I don’t sleep, I cry a lot, I have developed women’s diseases. Now there has not been a day this month without tears. I don’t want to do anything, it’s unpleasant for me when he touches me, I have dreams that he’s cheating on me. In general, this is not life, but horror.

And I can't tell anyone about this. I'm afraid of upsetting my parents, I'm afraid of being judged by my friends. I'm going crazy from all this and don't know how to figure out where to start.

How to get rid of anger and resentment from test-antibiotic.com? She sits in my heart and eats me from the inside.