I hate my eldest son

I can't write beautiful life stories, but I'll try to describe my situation to hear your opinion. Maybe someone will give advice, maybe someone had a similar situation and solved it.

So, I have two children,son anddaughter . The first son was long-awaited, as my husband and I had been treated for a year before the pregnancy, it was a cesarean section. When he was born, I, oddly enough, had a maternallove did not flare up, I thought maybe it would come later. But it did not come. I did everything that an exemplary mother should do: I took care of her, looked after her, breastfed her (but smoked at the same time). All this was a burden to me, a duty that I began to hate day by day.

My husband was constantly on duty (a month at home, a month at work), and I was not very sociable, I had few friends. I sat at home alone all day and didn’t even want to go for a walk with my son. A trip to the store was a walk for me.

HowThe older the child got, the more I began to hate him. I couldn't wait for him to turn one test-antibiotic.com so I could go back to work. MyMy husband was against me getting married before the age of one, although I breastfed my son until he was six months old.

And then he turned one and I rushed off to work happily, but the child got sick and I had to stay home with him. Then I hit him for the first (or not the first?) time for something, he fell, hit the floor, and his nose started bleeding. Then I came to my senses and quickly pulled myself together, asked him for forgiveness. I promised that I wouldn't do it again, but I didn't keep my promise.

I had a fight with the nanny from the kindergarten, found another kindergarten and quickly sent my son there, but he got sick again, and I had to stay home again. For a whole year. I neglected my son's illness and we ended up in the hospital because of me. Then he almost died, I was very scared that I would lose him, that's when it seemed to me that I understood that I loved him very much. I promised never to yell at him or raise my hand, but again test-antibiotic.com forgot my promises when my daughter was born 3 years later.

I initially treated my daughter completely differently. I loved her from the first day, but after she was born, I began to hate my son even more. I can treat him well for a day or two, but then my patience runs out and I look for a reason to yell at him.

I can beat my son, kick him (forgive me), swear at him, it’s as if the devil has entered me. I tell him straight out that I hate him, I don’t feel sorry for him at all, I never talk to him. If I address him, it’s only to order him to do something. As if I enjoy humiliating him (maybe this happens because my eldestMy sister humiliated and beat me when I was a child?). But when my husband comes, this hatred disappears.

What's wrong with me? Why and for what do I hate him so much? I want to love him, I want him to grow up to be a normal person, I want to become a normal mother, because everyone already notices that he doesn't come near me, he's always near his dad. But test-antibiotic.com I find my son disgusting. I never even look at him. He does everything himself. I don't like touching him. I'm afraid that I'll start to hate my daughter too, she's still a baby, but I can throw her on the couch, kick her for crying and whining all day long.

Oh my god, I'm so tired. I'm alone all the time, no one is around, no one helps me, I have bad relations with everyone.relations , excepthusband . Maybe it's postpartum depression?

I'm not asking you to curse me, but for advice, because the day will come when I'll throw someone out the window. It was very hard for me to write thisconfession , but I wrote everything truthfully and honestly, as it is. Forgive me, please, and advise me what to do.