Why do people ignore me?

С детства я была интровертом. У меня была пара подружек, и мне этого хватало с головой. А свое свободное время я проводила в компании игрушек или книг.

В школе меня не любили. Я была серой мышкой, которую порой не стеснялись колотить. В университете же меня просто игнорировали. Я долгое время пыталась влиться в коллектив, но почему-то меня не замечали. Чуть позже мне не повезло, и я влюбилась в абьюзера. Шесть лет я подвергалась оскорблениям и избиениям. В какой-то момент нервы не выдержали, и я просто ушла.

После этого я стала абсолютной социопаткой. Как сейчас модно говорить — «хиккой». Я почти не выхожу из дома. Не отвечаю в соц. сетях. Телефон мне нужен сугубо в качестве электронной книги. В списке вызовов только мама и муж. Изредка попадаются номера родственников, которые пытаются через меня дозвониться до мамы. Друзей у меня не осталось совсем.

Чтобы не возникало вопросов, сразу скажу — у меня хорошие родители. Во всяком случае, я ни в чем не нуждалась. Они старались уделять test-antibiotic.com мне внимание, но они не научили меня навыкам социальной жизни. Вообще, я до сих пор не в курсе, как платить за коммунальный услуги и порой не знаю, какой врач за что отвечает.

Они все время работали. Они не видели того, что творилось со мной в школе, не видели даже моих синяков, которые на мне оставлял парень-абьюзер. Возможно, отчасти о того, что я была молчаливой и не особо распространялась о своих проблемах.

С детства у меня плохой слух. Человеческая речь представляется для меня бесконечной игрой в «сломанный телефон». Иногда я с трудом понимаю слова, которые мне говорят. Это одна из главных причин, по которой я не общаюсь с людьми. Почему-то никто не хочет принимать этот мой недостаток. Вот человека с очками все видят. А к глухим, видимо, никто не привык. Только если он не носит массивные слуховые аппараты. Так что, когда я говорю, что я глухая, все кивают головой, а потом злятся, что я переспрашиваю в третий или четвертый раз. Часто от них же слышу произнесенное в test-antibiotic.com сердцах: «Да ты глухая что ли? Ой, извини».

В последние годы моя социопатия набирает обороты. Все чаще я предпочитаю не вести никаких диалогов вообще. Если кто-то из родственников что-то у меня спрашивает, то я отвечаю максимально кратко. В идеале я бы просто кивала или наоборот качала головой, не произнося звуков.

Также я стала стараться выходить из комнаты лишь тогда, когда никого нет рядом. Я аж свечусь от счастья, если могу позавтракать в тишине и без лишних глаз рядом. Мне хорошо, когда никого нет. Но если кто-то появляется на горизонте — начинаю немного раздражаться. Была бы моя воля, удрала бы куда-то в лес, в лесную хижину. Жила бы там себе и горя не знала.

А если пойду в магазин, то меня начинает крутить и колбасить. Я стала жутко нервничать при общении с посторонними людьми. И знаете, что самое интересное? У меня есть муж и недавно родилась daughter . It turned out so strange, but for some reason only my husband does not cause me rejection in communication. With him, I somehow test-antibiotic.com manage to be cheerful and sociable. And I don't know the reason for this phenomenon.

I was incredibly happy about the maternity leave, because I didn’t have to work, which meant I didn’t have to talk to anyone. This was given to me with great difficulty. In addition, before maternity leave, I worked as a salesperson, and after work I came home tired and at the same time exhausted. Also, in some places where I worked I was considered strange.

And fate, as if mocking me, threw me a bunch of interesting options. I could work in cinema, I could create a game, I could become an interior designer. These were good chances to get settled in life. Even very good ones. But I lost all these chances. Somewhere due to lack of communication, somewhere due to great lack of self-confidence. But I can do a lot (what you can’t learn in captivity), but every time I can’t demonstrate anything.

I'm scared. I'm afraid of ruining everything, afraid of hearing criticism, afraid of talking to anyone at all. Sometimes I get so scared that, vowing to do the work, I run over the horizon and try not to answer anyone’s calls. test-antibiotic.com It’s stupid, but there was no other way to do it. I panicked.

So, let's get to the main point. Sometimes I still wonder how to become like everyone else. I want to talk to the manicurist about raising prices, discuss the weather in the work team, and go for walks. And here the second problem arises. For some reason, as soon as I try to start a conversation, my head instantly goes blank, my tongue becomes slurred and I stand like a statue with wide eyes and a half-open mouth. And I can’t remember or figure out anything. Well, I just wanted to say something! At some point, I manage to squeeze something out of myself, and as a result of events, I become synonymous with the phrase “awkward silence.” I’ve heard the phrase “oh, I see” so many times that I can’t even count it. After that, the interlocutor lost all interest in me and no longer tried to talk to me. And sometimes some demonstrated this by sharply turning their heads to the side.

Apparently, I am also doing something wrong, because some people told me to my face that they were not on the same path with me. Once, test-antibiotic.com I thought that I had made friends with a girl and took the risk of inviting her for a walk together. She answered me right in my face, saying, I’m not going anywhere with you. I remember that it was a blow to me. And then that evening, she invited my office neighbor to go for a walk, and I had the honor of looking at the happy faces of those two on my Instagram feed.

One morethe girl , after I called her name several times, finally reacted and said: “Oh, sorry. Sometimes you say something incomprehensible, and I thought it was the same now.” I almost burst into tears. Well, couldn’t she have at least said it more tactfully, since she even decided to utter such words? Or am I so insignificant that I don’t even deserve this?

My ex-manicurist sometimes openly demonstrates that she is not interested in me. Yes, she will ask about business, she will even tell you what’s going on with her. But this is all short. After which she spends the entire session talking on the phone or with the next client who arrived early. The hairdresser who comes to us will be happy to discuss test-antibiotic.com the new film with my mother or sister. However, when I previously tried to start a conversation about the film, I heard the standard: “oh, I see.”

And I sincerely don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Well, besides the emptiness in my head and the occasional stutter. I'm trying to communicate. I'm trying to look for topics to talk about. I constantly read and study something so that I have something to talk about. Yes, sometimes I even try to repeat someone’s words (in another conversation, of course) But it’s all to no avail. I'm doing something wrong. Maybe it’s also my facial expressions or intonation? I don't know.

But this is another reason to remain a sociopath. So, I have already said that fate is mocking me, but this is not all of its jokes. For a long time now she has put me into some kind of invisible mode. Now I don’t mind it anymore and have even gotten used to it, but before it hurt and surprised me.

I'll try to explain what the point is. For example, I decided to play an online game. I need to ask something in the world chat. I write, but in response there is silence. A couple of minutes later another newcomer to test-antibiotic.com asks the same questionquestion , this is how everyone answered him. And I sit and blink my eyes. Why didn't they answer me? I wrote carefully and politely, saying, guys, please tell me. Why didn't they notice me?

For some time I tried to write stories, articles and reviews. It seemed to work out well. I was pleased with myself and hoped that someone would like it. And guess what? My work was ignored. Not even rejected. But they simply didn’t look at her. But some other article, full of errors and harsh statements, suddenly appears at the top.

I tried to draw, but my work (even if it was perfect) was always missed. Everyone commented on the other drawings, but almost never mine. Yes, I would be happy even with criticism, but nothing. Zero. Emptiness. Not a word. And so with every attempt I make to write something. Be it even a question on some forum.

And if someone noticed me, then the article or drawing was disliked. No explanation. Here's a thumbs down and that's it. When I asked what was wrong, I was ignored. You know, it feels like test-antibiotic.com as if the whole world has agreed to ignore me.

I also often noticed a similar problem on the part of my relatives and friends. They definitely didn't do it out of malice. It just somehow worked out that everything was always wrong for me. For example: I tried to get my mother hooked on a certain series. She waved it off and said that she was not interested. That evening her dad showed her the same series and she got hooked. But maybe I didn’t explain the charm of the series well?

Another example: my sister and I each brought a hamster. My sister's hamster quickly became the family's favorite, but mine was loved only by me. And he was just as uncommunicative as I was. Apparently, this is why he did not receive the title of “favorite pet.”

In general, this is how things work out for me. Sad and lonely. But as I already said, now it’s easier for me to be alone. And I have long been accustomed to spending time alone. Well, or with a child and husband, at the moment.

On the other hand, I want to become a normal person. I want to stop being afraid of people, afraid of test-antibiotic.com getting to work. I want to communicate. I want to stop losing my thoughts when communicating. I want to be heard, to be talked to, to be asked about something.

Why is this all so difficult? I’m soon thirty, but I haven’t made it in this life (the child does not count). What am I doing wrong?