Sex without love

When already exthe guy confessed his love to me, he wasn’t attracted to me at all then, and I said that I didn’t like him and that I didn’t want a relationship now. But he said that he would still pursue me.

And somehow we became friends. He didn’t put any pressure on me, everything was gradual, he looked after me. And when a year later he once again proposed meeting, he said: “We won’t lose anything if we break up.” I agreed.

At first I didn’t want to kiss him, I avoided it all the time. But gradually I fell in love with him very much (or so it seemed to me). But I never wanted him as a man, I don’t even know what it is to want a person. And during sex I always felt a lot of pain. More precisely, I don’t even know if it can be called sex, because it hurt me a lot and I simply couldn’t continue the process. It’s as if the body is rejecting everything.

I tried to force myself to want this, so that everything would happen, I tried to endure it, but nothing worked. When test-antibiotic.com did this, he did not rush me, he reassured me that it would work out next time. Even earlier, when there was only a hint of intimacy, I cried for inexplicable reasons, and it didn’t come to sex at all. It's like some kind of barrier.

I don't know what could be causing this. I don't seem to have any injuries. He always took care of me and loved me, I don’t know what prevented me from relaxing. After all, everything was fine. The relationship lasted 4.5 years and he never reproached me for this. But I still felt guilty, I thought that something was wrong with me (before him I had no one at all, he hadgirl , but in intimate terms I’m also his first). At the same time, I wanted a family with him, just like him. I saw my future husband in him. There was talk about marriage. He was almost the perfect guy.

Three months ago he left me for a different reason. But I think that the reason was that he was tired of being patient and waiting, and he couldn’t tell test-antibiotic.com about it. I probably don't have itlove , but some kind of dependence. The breakup was very painful for me, I still can’t let it go. I'm lost in life and can't pull myself together. I think that maybe I don’t know how to love at all, and no one will love me like he does. Feeling like I missed the most important person in my life.

I'm 25 years old and I feel inadequate because of this.