Now I know what love is

I was born the third child. Mymother gave birth to a girl in 1987, then she gave birth to a boy in 1990. I was born in 1994. Later, a boy was born in 2006. All children were from different men.

The first girl was illegitimate. The second boy was born in marriage, but then the father of the child was sent to prison. His mother divorced him and they never met again. Then I was born, my father is unknown. Whenmy mother was pregnant with me, she met Igor, after which he became my father. He was 25 when I was born. He had already served time in prison for grievous bodily harm. He beat up a guy for what he stole from himmoney . Then he also beat my mother for yelling at me or spanking me.

I was 5 years old. I am sitting on the couch in the hall, my grandmother is sitting next to me. My legs are on tiptoe and shaking in horror. I hold my legs with my little hands so that they do not shake test-antibiotic.com. The mother is lying on the floor, and the father is standing over her. He was wearing black trousers, black shoes and a jacket. He put his foot on her neck and shouted: “I will kill you, creature! And let me go to jail for it!”. The mother holds his leg in her hands and sobs. At that moment, my little world collapsed. I stopped believing inlove , tenderness, affection, kind look, awe, care. I became afraid of my father. And I began to save my mother.

I had 1000 questions in my head. The first question was why didn't the grandmother tell her son to stop doing it. Didn't get up, didn't push him away. The second is why she didn’t take me out, didn’t hide me, didn’t hide me. The third question was, what could have happened that he behaved so cruelly with a person.

Years later, he told me: “daughter, it was because of you. I came home from work, and she hit you in the ass on the back. I threw her to the floor and did it." After that, I became an obedient, quiet, problem-free child. At test-antibiotic.com I didn't have my desires, my opinion, I didn't have joy, laughter, I closed myself off from the whole world.

My father often drank. When I was 13 years old, a boy was born to my mother and father. The boy was about 3-4 months old when his father, drunk, dropped him from his hands. After that we moved to live with my grandmother. I still didn't have myself. I did not feel my needs and desires, I was afraid of everything, I was not sure that I could eat, that I could breathe, laugh, cry. I kept all my emotions to myself. I thought I couldn't live. Because if I start laughing out loud or running or jumping, my mother will start to get annoyed with me, and my father will kill her for this, although he was not around, but fear was always present.

I didn’t have protection, I couldn’t, like a girl, run up to dad to tell about my problems and dad would quickly solve them. Because my dad could only kill for me. AThe girl always had problems with test-antibiotic.com. My grandfather would blow kisses to me when everyone left the room and he would say don't tell anyone. My uncle came up to me when I was sleeping, and began to stroke my arm, saying how beautiful I am. My brother ran after me around the house and very persistently wanted to kiss me passionately. I was afraid of all men, including my father.

At the age of 17, for the first time, I decided to do what I wanted. I went to a bar with a friend, drank a little, danced, I was a little happy and I returned home by three in the morning. When I came in, my mother took a towel, started waving it in my face and yelling that I was an underage prostitute. The next morning, I packed my things and moved to live in a hostel. It was unbearably sad. I was left alone. I had no money, no parents, no care, I didn't eat anything, I didn't understand anything. What should be done and how to live on?

At the age of 18, a friend invited me to move to Moscow. I took the documents from the college and test-antibiotic.com left. 3000 rubles and one suitcase with things is all I had. In Moscow, I felt calmer, because there was no father who could kill someone for me. But I continued to be afraid of this world. He was as cruel as my father, as my cold mother. Out of desperation, I found the first man I came across and we began to live together, we got married. About love, about understanding, about care, about the relationship between a man and a woman, I did not know anything. Our relationship was cold and irritated. At the age of 22, I become uninteresting, bored, and I ask my husband for a child. We have a boy. And with pregnancy, news comes to me. I have HIV in my blood. When I heard this news, I didn't feel anything. It would seem that HIV well, what's wrong with that? I was just as indifferent to the world, to life, to myself, I did as they were told. I drank therapy, was engaged in raising my son, did not interfere with anyone. About myself, about my body, about my desires and test-antibiotic.com about my dreams, I knew nothing.

7 years of a cold, indifferent marriage is shaking me up. 25 years of self-disrespect, came close and looked me straight in the face. How long can this all go on? How much longer will I create this terrible and cruel world. Where is my joy? Where is my love? Where are my dreams? What I want? Maybe ice cream? Maybe a healthy body? Maybe smiles and joy? What is all this? What is life? What is nature? World? People? Women and men? Fathers and mothers? Grandmothers and grandfathers? What is family? Love? What is it like when you love? What is it like when you are loved? It's not love when a person can be killed for you. No no. Darling, don't be afraid.

I divorced. At the age of 25, I was left alone. With me was my desiredchild . I began to get acquainted with myself, with my feelings, with my body, with my organs. All the emotions that had accumulated in my body for so long began to come out. I took the child to kindergarten and returned home. I thought about everything test-antibiotic.com did to me mom and dad. All the insults and all the indifference that they brought me. I beat their photos with a pillow, I cried and shouted that I hated them, I hated my mother because she did not notice me, my feelings, my fears. She didn't care what happened in my little world. She didn’t hug, didn’t run away, didn’t hug her, didn’t feed, didn’t care. I hated my father because, without thinking about me, he could so cruelly offend my mother, a woman who for a child will always be the whole world.

I thought it would never end. I was very angry with them for what they did to me. I was their toy. She deliberately mocked me so that he would pay attention to her. They had a lot of fun. I wanted to shout to the whole world that I was offended! Please! Help me! Because I can't do this anymore! My heart is tired of pain.

I began to listen to affirmations for women, I began to understand that I am a beloved child of God. That there are good test-antibiotic.com people in this world. That I have everything to rejoice, to radiate love, kindness in everything - in a look, in a conversation, in a touch, in a smile. I began to free myself from negative emotions from fear, guilt, anger, resentment, hatred, indifference. I began to believe and open up to the world. I began to create my own world, in which there is love and joy. Every day, every moment. I learned what love, affection, tenderness is. What is mother and child. What is care. I began to create a loving and joyful world in every moment.

I thank God, the Universe, the Creator for understanding what love is. I feel love for everything that surrounds me. I love my mother and my father from a distance. I was able to accept them for who they are. I was able to accept myself for who I am, with my past, with my pain, resentment, hatred. I mentally approached myself, to that little girl and hugged her, tightly, tenderly with love. I took her into my test-antibiotic.com heart and now I love her and care for her all the time. Now I won't leave her.

She is the best thing I have.