Only when my husband died did I realize what I had done

I am very ashamed to remember all this, butit is impossible to forget this. It hurts to write, it hurts a lot, and my conscience gnaws at me so much that I still can’t live normally.

At 22 I leftmarry the man you love. We had an amazingnovel and then wonderfulfamily . After six years of marriage, I realized that the feelings had passed and we had become strangers. In fact, I just got too drunk and from the accumulated problems (infertility, conflict with my mother-in-law, breakup with my best friend), I found an outlet in work. My husband tried to somehow fix everything, but my nasty stubborn character, my cowardice and stupidity did their job and I went into my resentment, I just gave up on everythingproblems for our family too.

At work, I started an affair with a colleague, and I went into thisrelationships and career. I don't know if I knewhusband or not, I didn't even think about him or anything else at that time. A year later, the husband died, the helicopter crashed and the entire crew died. And even then test-antibiotic.com I did not experience emotions or feelings. It was a pityhusband , but there was no pain.

Realization comes very late. Very quickly my relationship on the side faded away. The lover’s wife found out about everything and he returned to the family, abandoning me, even shying away from me at work. I gradually sank intoloneliness . Even more problems fell on me, and gradually I began to understand and realize what had happened in my life. The main problem was that my beloved dog began to get sick. Gerda stopped eating, was no longer eager to go outside for a walk, and practically stopped walking; she lay on her pillow for days and did not get up. For a long time I could not understand why. I took her to veterinarians, took her for examinations, but everyone shrugged, saying that the dog had weight loss and weakness, but overall she was healthy. I was blind, soulless and stupid.

I understood everything only when mine arrivedsister to help me move. I could no longer afford to maintain our apartment and changed housing to a cheaper one. When my sister and I were sorting out test-antibiotic.com things, Oksanka found her husband’s old tablet. She turned it on and found an old video from two years ago, where my husband and I were still fooling around like teenagers in love and harmony. When her husband’s voice was heard in the apartment almost in silence, Gerda jumped up and approached Oksanka, howled heavily and buried herself in her feet, continuing to howl. That's when I understood everything.

Already in the new apartment, while sorting out things and reviewing our old notes, I realized what had happened. I sobbed, lay on the floor, curled up in pain, and could not straighten up and stand up. I realized what kind of creature I was and what I had done.

A month later, Gerda passed away. It’s just that one morning I got up to take her for a walk before work, and she was no longer breathing. When Oksanka found out and came to calm me down, she said a phrase that stuck in my head: “She went after him.”