There were no white stripes in my life

I want to tell you a real, true story about my difficult life, because I can’t keep it to myself anymore, and I can’t tell my loved ones. The story will be long, excuse me, I will write about everything that torments me.

I was born into a low-income family. Mythe father did not want to have children so early, perhaps because of hisrelationship with childrenMom didn't love me either. We never had family holidays, trips to the circus or cafes on weekends. We didn't even eat at the same table during lunch or dinner. Of course, this is hardly possible if the father does not come home for 2-3 days or even a week. And when he comes, he is angry at the whole world and at the members of his household as well. I remember how his scream and face twisted with anger made my heart sink into my boots. When I was little, he at least somehow showed those grains of fatherly feelings that he had. But he did it according to his own mood. He even told my grandmother that for children (I have a youngerbrother ) he doesn’t care, I heard this personally.

One day I heard a conversationfriends with her father. He simply asked her how she was doing at school, what she answered today and how she wrote her independent essay. He spoke in such a calm and loving voice that tears involuntarily flowed from me then. After all, neither my mother nor my father ever spoke to me like that. And the parents were never interested in such school trifles; they didn’t even go to parent-teacher meetings. And since I didn’t have friends, and I didn’t see how people in other families communicate, for a very long time I considered my family to be absolutely normal and even happy. Although she rather convinced herself and those around her of this.

My relationship with my mother has been cool since childhood. I felt that she didn’t love me, that I was constantly annoying her. And she very rarely hugged or kissed me (I can’t even remember that). Mom was irritated by everything about me: my facial expressions, gestures, my voice, my passion for drawing and anime. She told me test-antibiotic.com about this herself. I constantly tried to please her, but this also irritated her. She could drive me into hysterics with her scandals. And I saw that she really didn’t care about my bitter tears. But she simply adores her brother! She buys him everything he asks for his lastmoney . My brother is used to this and demands more and more. He doesn’t do anything himself, he just sits at the computer all day. He's hisHe can’t imagine life without games, he only gets C’s in his studies and is not interested in anything. And there is no one to re-educate him, because his parents divorced 9 years ago and his dad does not live with us.

Another important point is my mother’s illness. She has schizophrenia. This disease is not curable and exacerbations occur constantly. She says she hears voices telling her that her grandmother (hermother ) and I don't love her. That we want to get rid of it, that we hate it and discuss it with everyone we know. And it says a lot more that a normal person can’t even imagine. Then I feel powerlessfear , test-antibiotic.com melancholy,loneliness and endlesspain . You can say that I got used to this, because for the first time I saw her in this state at the age of 5-7 years. I got used to watching her every word and deed. I’ve been accustomed since childhood not to contradict her scolding and claims. I tried to be quiet and always smile when someone looked at me.

Mom believes that it is her grandmother who is to blame for her illness, her divorce from her father, and the fact that she cannot work. Work is a completely separate issue. She probably worked at 20 different places in our city and quit after a few weeks from all of them. She was not satisfiedcolleagues , theirthe attitude towards her, and the work itself, was somehow not suitable every time. As a result, they don’t want to hire her anywhere - with such and such entries in her work book. Now she’s no longer looking for work, we live on daddy’s alimony, which he pays for his younger brother (but it’s pennies), on grandma’s pension and mom’s disability pension. I’m studying now and receiving a scholarship, test-antibiotic.com, but I can’t live on this money either, and my grandmother sends me money, all from the same pension. Only my grandmother consoled me all these years. Only she is interested in my problems. Ours rests on itfamily . Grandma does everything: pays the rent, plans expenses andthe future , which infuriates my mother. Although mom may not be able to correctly calculate utilities, she already has poor memory; sometimes she does not remember a conversation that took place several days ago, and she also forgets daily little things. Her condition is gradually deteriorating.

And this spring I personally took her to a psychiatric hospital. And I wanted to howl with grief and hopelessness, because the tears had long since ended. My grandmother used to do this, but then she herself was in the hospital (age and an unhappy life take their toll). And I was torn between home and the hospital (it’s in another city). And my mother begged me on her knees to comeevery day and bring your beloved son. But my brother doesn’t care, he just wants to play these stupid computer games. After much showdown and persuasion, dad test-antibiotic.com brought us to mom, and we all tried to pretend to be a family, but it didn’t work.

By the way, dad calls sometimes, but we talk for 2 minutes at most. He always says that he will not leave us and will be there for us, but he himself does not understand that he has never been with us. He always left home when his mother was ill and he didn’t care that he was leaving two small children with an irresponsible mother. And, when I ask for help, every time I listen to reproaches that we are so problematic and he is busy, and maybe I can somehow do it myself on the sly, I’m already an adult. And I’ve been hearing about the fact that I’m an adult and “slowly doing it myself” since childhood.

When I was 12, I fell ill with epilepsy and have not been cured to this day. In my case, it is possible to recover if there is no serious stress, anxiety and if I take care of my psyche. But in the current situation this is not realistic, because everything falls on my shoulders. And every year it becomes more and more difficult to bear it, and I am so tired.

There are test-antibiotic.com moments when I don’t want to live, but these are not thoughts of suicide. I believe in God and do not want to suffer in hell and after death. In addition, I am the only support of our family, and if something had happened to me, my grandmother would not have survived it, and my mother would have gotten much worse. And even these thoughts torment my conscience. But I would like it all to stop, so that I would simply cease to exist and become free from this pain.

But there are also positive aspects, if I may say so. I learned to live relying only on myself. And I realized that I was no longer afraid of anything: neither poverty, nor illness, nor betrayal (after all, I don’t expect anything from people, which means I’m not disappointed). Almost nothing can break me, but sometimes it seems to me that I have now lost the ability to love. I have always been very introverted, and after unsuccessful attempts to get close to someone, I decided that I would not try again. How about living with someone?without love I'm not going to test-antibiotic.com. Yes, I'm used to being lonely. Besides, I have a dream, only every yearthe faith that I can accomplish it is weakening.

I am 21 years old, but I already have gray hair. Here I briefly outlined my life. And you know, I felt a little better.