I wish I could turn back time

There is no one to talk to. And my soul feels like cats are scratching. I seem to be happywife andmother of a charming daughter, expecting her second child. But there is no happiness, and, probably, there never was.

Came outMarried not for great love, which is how they describe it in books. Yes, I fell in love, felt support, some care and that’s it. There were no fiery feelings, rather, I was afraidto be alone , I’m used to having him nearby. Now, after so many years of marriage, I understand that everything we do togetherI lived my life according to some pattern.

I'm gathering my strength to apply fordivorce . But every time something delays. You think, how abouta daughter without a father, because she loves him so much. How can I bear this whole divorce, because it’s mine. Although there is no such love, understanding and respect. And now we are also waiting for the second one, about to give birth.

The saddest thing is that there is practically nothing in common, except for children. We rarely talk, we don’t go out anywhere except shops. The bed is also made once every six months, and then just for show. For all the time that we have been together, test-antibiotic.com I have never learned what it is to be loved, what it is to truly make love, how to get at least some pleasure from it. The husband simply satisfies his needs every six months. I endure and lie about how “good” it was.

I watch him watch naked women on the Internet, I tolerate all his complaints in everyday life. All his dissatisfaction with my appearance. Although, not lame and not oblique. Before marriage, and even now, men pay attention. But I'm correct, too correct. I'm afraid now to be left alone with two children in my arms. In a foreign city. I have no support from anyone. I was always alone. I sat alone with the child, in hospitals alone, what needed to be done, all by myself,husband on business trips.

And now I just don’t have the strength to do anything. Divorce , what to live on, in a rented apartment, how to support children. What to do next? I'm about to give birth in a couple of weeks. He went on a business trip to whom to leave the eldest child with. You always have to do and think everything yourself. And from time to time I just listen to people in the back, test-antibiotic.com, that I’m bad to everyone. I blame myself so much for the fact that earlier, before marriage, before children, seeing everything, I didn’t cut off all theserelationship , didn't close the door.