Choosing the wrong profession affected my life

Since childhood, I have been interested in various interesting things. Equestriansports (2 years), hand-to-hand combat (I gave up almost immediately), dancing (I’m still into it). I used to dream of doing something interesting, perhaps extreme.

I graduated from school with no C grades, and my first year at university I also did well. I acted, by the way, without much choice. I simply chose a more or less relevant profession, probably because I was not interested in anything in childhood and adolescence. Now I understand this because I am surrounded by people who haveexperience , and a lot of experience in creative fields (music, design, floristry, handmade, photography, etc.), there are also guys, 3-4 friends who study hard and develop. At one time they got me interested in creativity, and I kind of even began to take an interest in it seriously.

I liked it, but it turned out the same as it happened in the past: I tried to grab onto everything because everything attracted me, but due to laziness or lack of experience I was not able to develop enough in it. Although friends really help, try to teach, support. They say, if you understand this or that, you have good taste. An acquaintance offered to work as a photographer for test-antibiotic.com in an online flower store that regularly needs to photograph ready-made flower arrangements. I like taking good photos, and I can make money from it, and I have nothing against flowers. But I love photography and at the same time I don’t want to stop there.

I don’t know what else I could do to prove myself. Or rather, I probably know, but I don’t understand how. I would like to be a director, again, probably. But I feel so weak that it’s simply impossible to get up in the morning. Studying generally discouraged the desire to be anyone, in principle. And it certainly discouraged me from finishing my studies, taking a diploma, etc. And the thought of further work related to the profession for which I am studying even gives me goosebumps. I was probably one of those children who were bought a computer early and those children whose parents could not place their offspring in a place where they could develop their creative nature. Not only because of finances, but rather because there are almost no such places in a small provincial town. Or is this all an attempt to justify their current helplessness.

Now I can regret not test-antibiotic.com, because it infuriates me. And I’m furious that I’m not capable of anything except reasoning or seeming smart in someone else’s eyes. Perhaps it's just apathy orI'm depressed and I need treatment. Even the thought of the army is not so scary and not so undesirable, but it is scary to leave for another city. Then you will have to build everything again, and this already seems difficult to me. And I like the people here.

Recently we were thinking about starting our own project. But they dragged on, then they gathered to discuss it, but in the end they drank and one of the guys told me that he realized that it was better to start on his own, because we couldn’t start together normally. I decided to tackle my design project alone. Then it seemed to me that I had lost one thread that kept me afloat.

I have onlymother and grandfather. And they fully support me, but I feel a burden of responsibility towards them. And when one of my friends said that he would start the project himself, I felt guilty. Guilt awakened apathy in me, the reason was the realization that I was again on my own with my desires, and the person who shared the idea with me was disappointed in me. It’s not that he taught me a lot, but rather, he gave me hope, became someone who thinks the same way as me and is ready to go through difficulties with me andfear of ignorance. Now I am alone in this regard. He does the job, and I sit in the evening and write this. I feel as stupid as possible. I want to fail or disappear, to be in myself.

Thank you for listening to myConfession , it was important for me to speak out.