I don't know how to get out of this state

I'm 22 years old and I'm an overweight loner psycho and a loser. I've been an introvert since childhood. She didn’t like to play with children and didn’t share toys with them. I was a loner, but a confident loner.

We had girlfriends, but for a long time oursThe friendship didn't last, I didn't get along with anyone. She often reacted aggressively to many people. My self-esteem was fine, it was even slightly high. But in 7th grade a lot changed, I changed. It was puberty and adolescence began. I gained weight slightly, my face became larger, or so it seemed to me, I began to seem so ugly to myself that it was sickening to look in the mirror. While the girls didn’t leave the mirror for hours, I neglected myself, didn’t wash my hair, didn’t want to buy myself things,Mom couldn’t drag me into the store to dress up or at least take care of myself. If before that I studied well and enjoyed authority in the class as an excellent student, everyone called me to ask for my homework, everyone respected me. That’s when I stopped studying, dropped to test-antibiotic.com with B’s and C’s, lost my former authority among my classmates, no one called me anymore looking for help with my homework, they even stopped respecting me, some didn’t consider me a person at all.

Over the years, all this has turned into nightmares, and does not seem at all funny or funny. I also fell in love with one boy, he didn’t even pay attention to me. He was a sociable, popular, self-confident boy. I considered myself ugly, that’s why I seemed so. Self-esteem dropped to zero. I couldn't stand up for myself. Three boys especially clearly expressed their dislike for me, among them was the object of my adoration. He always pushed me, argued with me, and once cursed me on the Internet. The second one trampled on my jacket and removed me from friends on the Internet as soon as he found out my name. The third one generally called her a retarded ugly creature and a fool. One fat girl was friends with me, but no one bullied her, she was just not particularly interesting to everyone and she defended me when one of the boys threw test-antibiotic.com pieces of paper on my back.

History repeats itself, I grew up, moved to a new apartment, went to a new school, cut my hair, my figure became just right, although my tummy still stuck out, I began to take care of myself. Here I showed myself to be a fool, afraid to show myself smart. I liked it a lotguy , even two, for a long time I couldn’t decide which one I felt for, but then I realized who. They took me for a fool. One beggedmoney for a mobile phone, the other one told everyone how I got him, the teacher sat us together and I tried to talk to him at every opportunity, but in vain, I probably irritated him with my intrusiveness, although I began to irritate him from the first second of the conversation, with first day. One of the guys tried to get under my skirt. I put him in his place, slapped him on the wrist and made such a noise and uproar, the other 20 guys intervened, and I cursed at them too, called them roosters, cried, and was hysterical. The girls did not support me in front of the teacher, saying that there was no reason to start a conflict, they say, it was my own fault, my uncle and mother stood up for me. test-antibiotic.com I grew up without a father. After that I completely stopped believing in myself.

In the tenth grade, I moved to another school, started school at home, and lost all contact with the outside world. In the 11th grade I went to see a psychiatrist due to prolonged depression and OCD. I couldn't talk to anyone or study. I barely made it to university preparation classes and miraculously scored points, entered the faculty I had dreamed of since childhood, translator from English to Russian. Everything was fine with English, Russian and mathematics. Mathematics terrorized us, forced us to study everything at school, I didn’t sleep until the morning, did my homework, and I have a special interest in languagesthere was love . By the way, my mother always looked after me too much and didn’t let me go anywhere, and there was no one with me. And in my first year I suddenly plunged into the flight of adult life. I fell in love with a guy, he used me and left me. There were only kisses.

Having fallen in love for the second time, I became intimate with the guyrelationship , he treated me badly, once tried to strangle me. Then, test-antibiotic.com trying to punish myself, I had an affair with one guy, then another. Now my nerves are still out of order. I am very sorry for what I did. I take antidepressants and have an early stage goiter. I don't watch my diet. I have gained weight to 84 kg with a height of 166. I can’t find a job, although I could work in tourism, reception and a bunch of other enterprises. I sit on my mother’s neck, we live on the pennies she earns. I have no idea what to do.