Even among people I feel lonely

I'm 18 years old, I'm latea child in the family and I know what overprotection is not from the books. At school I was bullied from the 1st grade: they kicked, pushed, called names. And all this happened practicallyevery day until I transferred to another school in the 10th grade. Starteddepression , I was nervously exhausted, but I coped with it, but old memories from school still prevent me from living. Sometimes I remember school every day, sometimes I forget for a month or two, but the memories always come back. It happened that I started crying in a public place and all because of this. But talking about school is very difficult. I seem to let it all pass through me and feel a great loss of strength; I literally don’t want to move, but just lie apathetically for several hours.

I often feel alone, left with my thoughts and memories. My memories and my anxiety seem like black mucus that fills my chest, preventing me from breathing. I also enrolled as a psychologist to help myself, I partially succeeded, significant changes occurred, test-antibiotic.com, but I feel that I will no longer be able to help myself. Although I am much better now than I was two years ago, my memories and my anxiety periodically return to me and prevent me from thinking about anything other than the past.

On the last long trip, I was left alone with my thoughts and gave myself headaches and nausea. So sometimes I'm very afraidto be alone , I need someone to be nearby, at least in the next room.
I have inadequate self-esteem. I consider myself very stupid, I almost always put the person I’m talking to above myself in terms of development, and if I consider the person to be authoritative, then I’m completely afraid to utter even a word and just remain silent. I can’t get along with myself in one body and this feeling is unbearable. I want to be free. But this is not a desire to kill myself, I am afraid of death and want to live a long timelife , but I understand that if I don’t get rid of anxiety, it will eat me. After I broke down the first time, I can no longer test-antibiotic.com rejoice as often as others rejoice.

I'm jealous when people laugh because I can't do it as easily as they do. I'm afraid to startrelationships , namely, I’m afraid to disappoint the person I like with my stupidity, my despondency, my silence, so I almost always refuse when they call me to meet. When I tried to find positive and negative traits in myself, there were significantly fewer positive ones, and for one positive quality there was always a negative side, which turned out to be stronger. Yes, and I’m always not comfortable saying something good about myself, it seems that it’s wrong and my self-esteem is too high.

Sorry that it turned out to be such a vinaigrette of my problems. It’s difficult to connect everything and print according to plan. To make it more clear, I will leave specific questions: How to stop being afraid of people and ashamed of yourself? How to leave the past in the past? How to learn to rejoice?