I hate myself for being overweight

I am 25 years old. I am obsessed with thinness, for me there is no one more beautiful than thin people. For two years, I myself remained so, kept myself in tight rein, even at some point it seemed that food was not needed at all.

Weighed about 48 kg at 170 cm, then 43 kg. My mother scolded me in every possible way for such a look, saying that it was scary and disgusting, but there was no question of any visit to the doctor. As a result, at the end of 2016, I broke down and began to eat, as if not in myself, everything in a row indiscriminately. Now I weigh under 70 kg.

So, I got fat, but I feel twice as big as Tess Holliday, plus I have all the fat everywhere, but my breasts have not increased one iota. In addition, there were small, but nastyback problems , heart problems, but the worst thing is a complex of fat ugliness, just unbearable self-loathing and a terribledepression .

Against this background, I rarely leave the house, I don’t care about my appearance, I wear the same clothes (oily anyway) test-antibiotic.com I don’t see my friends (I’m lying that I’m busy). There can be no talk of love in general - I’m not worthy, I can’t work either, because at the slightest stress (even going to the store, a trip in transport) - a panic attack begins, because. I'm starting to think about how ugly I am. well andmom what? And the mother is glad that her daughter is finally eating, and everything else, it doesn’t matter to her, the main thing is that the daughter fills her belly to satiety. She encourages me constantly in gluttony: I will eat a loaf of bread at a time, after a plate of borscht, she will say: “Well, what did you eat?”. And the fact that a couple of hours before that I was crushing a plate of oatmeal in milk with raisins, abundantly sprinkled with sugar, is almost nothing.

I go crazy because my mouth is constantly full of food and I can’t control it, when I eat, I calm down, such peace. I can’t go to the doctor myself, I don’t have money, and it’s psychologically difficult to force myself, although deep down I understand that I need a specialist consultation, I’m so tired of all this, I just don’t have the strength to test-antibiotic.com. I hate myself for the fact that such a weak-willed rag, unable to control elementary instincts, is disgusting and disgusting from himself and from his mother's indifference.