I don't love my child

Do not misunderstand me. Of course, I love my one and a half month old mouse and little sparrow. But everything from the very beginning, and as usual, went almost perfectly and completely different from what I imagined.

I’m 35, I’m relatively healthy, I’m beautiful, I’ve made a good career and met the object of my crazy passion last November. The result of which was the first in my lifepregnancy and the understanding that the hero of my novel has a classic set of male vices: lying, drinking, hitting. And he changes. Where would we be without this? Nevertheless, like many progressive girls over 30, who have managed to fully enjoy the joys of a free life and not greatly limited by material considerations, the ideagiving birth and raising a child alone seemed quite positive to me.

Everything went wrong during the birth. They forgot to discuss their plan with me. Or I, succumbing to the generic dominant, forgot to discuss it with the doctors. Immediately after an hour and a half of hell, a small purple lump plops onto your stomach, which, with difficulty focusing, looks intently into your eyes. And at this moment, instead of the expected test-antibiotic.com happiness and tears of joy, you suddenly feel incredibly sorry for both this lump and yourself. You suddenly find yourself alone in this uncomfortable World, still strangers, but by the will of fate you are already lying with your stomachs facing each other. And just out of nowhere, the memory emerged that this is yourthe child and is supposed to be taken care of, forces him to hug the baby, thus trying to at least somehow improve his situation.

And then they put him to my chest, and I felt a sharppain , since then I have been doing this almost every 3 hours for 1.5 months. And none of the three currently fashionable lactation consultants helped. And during the same period, I chronically do not get enough sleep. The child also has colic and often cries for several hours without a break. And at some point I realized that I didn’t want to be in this.

So, if nothing changes, then at 2 months I will make a decision to continue or (most likely) stop breastfeeding, because I can no longer endure this pain. test-antibiotic.com At 3 months (the time when children's colic goes away) I will decide whether to continue maternity leave or go back to work and hire two nannies for 16-20 hours a day + a grandmother. And I feel ashamed when I come to my senses and the baby doesn’t cry. Sleeping or smiling, my heart is tied into a knot with tenderness, the desire to care and give her the best that can be in this life. But when she doesn't sleep, when she cries endlessly, something changes. To the point where I want to do anything with her, just so as not to listen to these screams anymore. I was not ready. I don’t have enough love, patience, and self-sacrifice seems to be completely absent,

Dad, who sometimes comes to visit us, is right that it is terribly cynical to say and convince girls that giving birth is almost the most important and important thing, and it is absolutely necessary.