My loneliness among people

Lately I have become more and more self-absorbed. I cry more and more often, smile less and less. It feels like I'm slowly dying.

I have no friends and, unfortunately, never had any. There is one girl with whom we often communicate, but we live in different cities and see each other once every six months to a year. Wasboy, whom I loved very much and continue to love. But, unfortunately, things didn’t work out with him due to the long distance. Of course, we communicate with him quite well, but it’s still sad that it’s all over. Not everything works out at work either. The attitude of the doctor with whom I sit at appointments is getting worse and worse every day, although I bend over backwards to do the job well. Just a week ago I went on sick leave because my temperature was high and it was hard to breathe. So she ate away her baldness with her dissatisfaction that “how dare you go on sick leave without telling me,” although I called my boss and worried about my doctor, so that test-antibiotic.com could find a replacement during my absence, at least just to clean the office after reception. But she was offended by me and now prefers to ignore me. Things aren't going smoothly at home either. I just can’t find a common language with my father. So I remain silent to every outburst of his aggression, trying to avoid conflict. But as a matter of principle, he expresses his dissatisfaction only to me, saying that I don’t help my family with housework, that I won’t even clean up after the cat or take out the trash, that why did I get a tattoo at the age of 21 (by the way, the tattoo is not big, a rose on the right forearm, b/w size 13x13).

Although I put things in order at home and help my mother cook, andI sometimes buy groceries for the house (the salary is not big, so I don’t spend a lot, which is what I need)I also need money for travel, and I also want to spend a little on myself, while I have the opportunity, on all sorts of little things, like tights and cosmetics). And so, day after day, I ask myself: am I really such a bad person that everything in my life turns out this way? And when I try to become better, try to find an approach, a solution, a compromise, then everything becomes even worse. Then they start calling me a rag, who can’t stand up for herself and always bends under everyone. Perhaps it seems to me, but from the outside it looks different. But be that as it may, I'm still alone. People always chose me over someone else. I was always a backup option. But I want to be not an option, but a choice, someone’s meaning. And I’m so tired of being alone everywhere that walking down the street it seems to me that I’m invisible to others.