Pain that burns me from the inside

I have been suffering from depression for three years now. I managed to stay in a psychiatric hospital, overcome self-harm and much more, now I am in remission, but this diagnosis and the fight against it brought some adjustments in my life - I took off my rose-colored glasses, I stopped expecting that they would save me, that I could help anyone - rely on other than yourself.

On the one hand, this is good, you begin to think differently, you begin to fight for yourself, but for everyone, I am a person of unshakable strength who overcame the diagnosis and learned not to depend and not wait for outside help. And I always thought so, until tonight, when I realized that my “strength of spirit” is actually just a mask that I put on myself and live with it, but in fact I am broken inside.

No one ever told me that he was next to me, even my parents always just said that “you can handle it.” Yes, for some this is support, for me it’s just an excuse, because the person simply cannot help, and I don’t blame anyone, it’s really test-antibiotic.com difficult to support a person with a mental disorder. But I don’t need support with words, money and investments, I need simple human warmth, when you cry and they just hug you without further ado, but no one likes to see someone else’spain , because it’s easier to think that a person is strong and can handle everything on his own.

I accepted the rules of the game, even when I shudder in hysterical sobs, I think: “Nothing, now we’ll cry, grit our teeth, and move on, we don’t need anyone.” But at night I fully realized that I would have to do this all the time.life . All my life I'll look back at my friendshusband , family and not allow you to fully trust, because you get used to it, and when a person leaves, you lose part of your soul, you crawl on the bloody floor and collect the remains of your broken soul.

The loneliness of the human soul is exorbitant, no one can promise to be with you until the end of your days, but you want to believe in it? This is alien to some, but not to me. And so, I'm breaking myself from the inside, I can't test-antibiotic.com tell anyone how I feel, because it means exposing a bleeding wound, I just know that no one can help me, because no one can promise me the impossible .

Relationships have become worthless to me. The meeting is followed by a separation, and this inevitability eats you from the inside, as if you are rotting alive. Most likely, I won’t be able to trust someone and open up completely, because I wear a mask and don’t want to take it off, it gives me the appearance of protection, because it’s easier to pretend to be strong and be weak inside than to open up and expose everything broken bones.

Yesterday I wanted to scream in pain, cry out for help, hit the walls like a bird in a cage, but I just sobbed, I was choking with a convulsively clenched throat, so as not to make a sound, so as not to show my pain.

I quickly determined for myself that the meaning of life is not in material things, having gone through what I went through, I just wanted to be happy. All. Just happy. But is it possible to be happy, constantly reminding yourself that the people you test-antibiotic.com love and value can leave at any moment? Answer yourself thisquestion . I answered. But I have no choice, I need to break myself and pretend to be a happy person, I need to move on, wearing the proverbial mask, because I have no choice, too much has already been done to turn back.

I will step away, I will put the mask on my disfigured face again and go out into the world, but how long will this last? Of course there is salvation:alcohol , cigarettes. With them I can talk about it at least for a whileforget there would bemoney , but I will get it because I have no choice.