My loneliness and emptiness in my soul

I don’t remember a time when I could call my family prosperous in terms of the psychological climate at home, but until that year, at least we maintained the level of strong, needy “middle peasants” financially.

Living together was not comfortable, even though each family member was assigned a room. Since childhood, I wanted to be left alone and not to be disturbed, not to hear the noisy showdown between my parents, the constant biased lamentations about how bad my health was from my mother and her malicious criticism of my appearance and character, caused more likely by fatigue and so-so personal life. Outwardly, I look like my father, whom she already began to hate. Since childhood, I wanted to get away from my parents, because such an atmosphere in the house is just like torture with drops of water on the back of the head - once, twice, a dozen are just a trifle, but if you do it for a long time and constantly, you start to go crazy.

That yearmy father brought home the news that due to problems in his business, so to speak, test-antibiotic.com would have to sell the apartment in order to pay off a huge debt. The mortgaged apartment had to be sold cheaply. The parents' relationship deteriorated to the extent possible. My parents gave me a portion of the amount remaining after the sale of the apartment; I was 23 years old and it was time to leave. A decent relationship to enter intoMarriage or confidently starting to live together and leading a common life had never happened, so I focused on what I could organize for myself. The share was enough to buy a room. But being a fierce introvert, I was simply horrified to the point of nausea by the option of living with strangers, most likely dysfunctional people. My parents also tried to persuade me not to take a room, since they knew that domestic conflicts with neighbors would not lead to anything good. It's better to have separate housing, but with a mortgage.

With a constant feeling of anxiety from the category of “God forbid I get sick”, “just not new layoffs”, scrupulously counting my pennies remaining after paying the mortgage, which squeezed out more than 50% of my then modest salary, I entered into mortgage bondage. After a while I wanted to end it. And I made another fatal mistake - I moved in with test-antibiotic.com as an unworthy person. When I was young, it seemed to me that he would be “not like that” with me. Mortgagethe apartment was rented out for a while, then a buyer was found, the mortgage was closed, I was relieved. Not for long.

After some time in the relationship, I realized that I was involved in something hopeless and vile. That I didn’t find myself a new home, but found a place where I was treated like a slave servant, with the full understanding that I had no good decisions in life. I can only afford to move into a communal apartment, which makes me shiver, or to get into a mortgage nightmare again, or to live in rented apartments. And again this feeling that anyone would have their own corner, where they would simply leave me alone and not bother me.

It so happened that I have absolutely no support in the city. The parents are down and drinking. My friends have moved away or live with their men - there’s no time for me there. My heart started to hurt constantly. I’ve never been beautiful, but now it’s really scary to look at my yellow-green face with swelling, as if it’s getting worse every day. Feeling weak already test-antibiotic.com in the morning. My job is stressful, but with a salary that is normal for the region - my only hope in this life is to get out of this someday and get my coveted corner.

My peers started having children. I don’t even have a thought that this is happening to me, I just want to close the door behind me in my house and not start any more relationships. These cost me dearly, I won’t even list all the disgrace that happened during their time, but it is simply impossible to respect, much less love, a person after everything that happened. Even taking into account that there were both good moments and moments of help in the beginning, when the hormones were still playing. And again at a loss to choose where to put mybody , and where I can finally feel peace, which has not happened for a long time.

It’s scary to take the wrong step, because with my limited resources it will be a complete “fatality”. I just don’t have the strength to plow even more. Feeling of complete hopelessness. If it weren’t for the dream of my own coal, I would have quit this hassle-free job and would have looked for another test-antibiotic.com until I found it according to my vocation and there I would have given it my all. I don't have specific questions, but maybe there are people who can give wise advice about my situation. If not, at least speak out.