What should I do with such love?

I don't tell anyone anything. My parents understand why, but I don’t have any friends as such, and probably never will. The fact is that 3 years ago I fell in love with a guy. At first I thought it was all for fun, I was kidding, then I realized that I liked it. And in the winter of 2012, somehow in an instant, I realized that I was head over heels in love with him.

He mocked me, hurt me mentally, only occasionally wrote on VKontakte, something like “how are you?”, after which he called me names again. When I somehow behaved stupidly or jokingly (ostensibly as a joke) said: “You see, I’m the only one who loves you,” he asked: “Are you gay? Ugh...”, and I, in turn: “I’m kidding.”

Months passedthe relationship somehow stabilized, then again “faggot, fuck off,” then he called me for a walk, then for several months he would not call or write. Then everything is fine again, and even better. And mylove (already real, huge, killing) grew every day.

After another couple of months, he began to call me test-antibiotic.com to go for walks together more often, to help with something, and I helped him. In general, I help him in everything, I sincerely (and not just suck up) wanted and want to help him, I believe in him, I encourage him with good words. He will either say “thank you” with his mouth closed or simply take it for granted.

But I didn’t think it would come to this: in recent months I realized that I could not fall in love with anyone as much as with him, I want to live with him, in another country where homosexuality is the norm, to help him, to believe in him.

Just a couple of days ago I realized that this cannot continue. I’m suffocating, there’s pressure in my chest, I’m having trouble sleeping, I’m quarreling with everyone. You see, he's just a straight man, immodest, confidentguy (by the way, we are 20 years old). And I act likegirl - whining, food. He doesn't havegirls for a long time, but it still doesn’t look like he’s gay.

I tried a hundred times to hint that I don’t like him, but he simply insults me once again. test-antibiotic.com What also kills are thoughts like “what if he’s dating someone, but just doesn’t tell me,” I’ll actually die if he has someone. I love him so much, but even if we imagine that he is gay or has fallen in love with me, he is unlikely to do anything, because he is a conservative, typical Slav, with this stupid mentality and homophobia. Plus itfamily , hisbrother whom he practically idolizes.

Please help me with some advice. I'm 20 years old, and I'm sitting here writing this and crying. I can’t think about anything else, I’m not doing well at university, I don’t read books, I don’t watch films. You could say I’m looking at the ceiling, I don’t see a future without him at all. I don’t understand how I or my parents sinned that I was born gay in Russia! And he’s also in love with a person with whom no one should fall in love. He is my joy, my suffering, my reason to go crazy.