How to forgive your mother?

I'm my dad's from birthdaughter . My dad was the perfect father. He bathed me, he fed me, he put me to bed. What for other childrenmom , then for me it was mineBeloved dad. I got used to clinging to his native chest, telling him all my troubles. I adored him.

Dad was disabled, but although it was hard for him, he tried to do everything for me. Here's mineMother has always been an emotionally very cold person. I have never seen her love anyone or experience even a shadow of sympathy. In my opinion, she basically cannot love.

In a moment of franknessmy father told me that he married her because of her beauty, and then regretted it, but did not divorce because of the children. She really has always been very impressive and even now she is still pretty.

She always perceived me as a rival, intrigued against me, came up with all sorts of intrigues, and spread rumors against me. Even when I was very little, it was common for my mother to somehow harm me on the sly. There was never a hug, a caress, or a test-antibiotic.com kind word. I saw all this only from my dad. I have moresister with whom she hasthe relationship was better than with me. I never got along with my mother.

This happened this yearIt’s unfortunate that when I think about it, it seems to me that I’m falling into an abyss. My dear daddy is gone! Daddy, daddy. He was not in good health, he was lame, he hadheart problems . I'm alllife was terrified of losing him, so much so that at night she constantly had nightmares as if he had died. And he told me that he would live a hundred years. But trouble came from where we didn’t expect it - he died from peritonitis in the hospital, in agony, practically in my arms. What pains me unbearably is that he was brought to the hospital on time, it was still possible to save him. But for some reason the doctors needed to do a bunch of tests, and they did them for several days, and when they did everything, he was already dying. They never did the operation, they said he wouldn’t survive, just wait.

Then he was taken to intensive care. I test-antibiotic.com wanted to break through to him, they only let me in for a few minutes, purely out of spite, supposedly I was interfering. Even though they themselves are there, they don’t sit next to him. I wanted so much to stay with him, to at least console him until the last minute, but no, poor thing, he left alone, abandoned by everyone. My heart breaks when I think about it. And as for mom. I was simply shocked to the core by her attitude when my father was taken to the hospital. I came home for a while (I was on duty there with him all these days), and she was preparing a funeral at home and calling her friends and saying that he was no longer there! I threw a tantrum, shouted to her: “What are you doing, he’s alive!” And she told me: “He’s still alive, but soon you’ll be burying him!” And during the few days that he was in the hospital, I sometimes came home and saw that she was organizing a funeral. Note that she never talked to the doctor and therefore did not know what and how it was.

Here it should be noted that I am test-antibiotic.com a little superstitious and I believe that you can invite trouble if you talk like that. Maybe in vain, but we all believe in it. And I kept shouting at her to bite her tongue so as not to invite death. And she deliberately, to annoy me, said even louder that I would bury him. And now her words came true. To say that I have a hard time with this is an understatement. It was like I was put through a meat grinder. The pain does not leave me for a minute, it aches everythingbody , I suffer even in my sleep, nothing distracts me, I don’t want to live at all. I have been like this for 8 months. I often wonder if it's really possible to die of grief. I see dad and him everywherepain , and I think it was very scary for him to die. In a dream I see him and hear him calling me, I run after him all the time.

I wasn’t close with my mother and sister before, and after this loss there was no relationship at all. I’m a stranger to everyone at home, I walk around and moan. A month ago test-antibiotic.com my mother got sick. And here it became, as one might expect, impossible. She had a difficult character before, but here she turned around in all her glory. I have to look after her, and I can’t tell you how hard it is for me, both mentally and physically. She does everything to make my life miserable. The doctor said that she must do gymnastics, get up, eat, otherwise she will become bedridden and will continue to exist. Of course, she doesn’t do anything, she flatly refuses to even sit, saying it’s hard for her, she lies there for days. Neither the doctor’s words nor our persuasion mean anything to her; she, they say, doesn’t feel well and should lie down and that’s all.

As a result, she is getting worse, she has already rested her whole body, the muscles are gradually dying, but no, she thinks that she needs to lie down even more. He doesn’t go to the toilet either, he does everything on his own. At night she wakes me up screaming at me to clean up. She has no appetiteThe doctor says that you still need to eat. You bring her food and tell her to eat. So she puts food in her mouth, test-antibiotic.com makes a face, and then spits it at me with the words: “Eat this poison yourself!” Naturally, she becomes even weaker because she doesn’t eat, and naturally, I’m to blame for this too. I can't stand it anymore. I look in complete despair at my father’s half of the bed: if only he could see this! My sister is still helping me a little with my mother, but she says that she needs to arrange her life, and I, they say, should devote myself to caring.

Yes, this is probably not good, it’s unnatural, but I not only don’t like my mother, I already hate her, I can’t calmly watch her lying in diapers (she doesn’t want to go to the toilet), like a monstrous huge baby, screams, is capricious and generally portrays an inconsolable widow, broken by grief. And poor dad, dying in agony, was still worried about me, consoled me and did not tell me how bad he felt. They are as different as fire and water!

I recently heard my sister telling one of her friends that she would never forgive me if my mother died. In general, I am the only test-antibiotic.com in the whole world. I don’t want to live anymore at all, every morning I regret that I woke up. Sometimes I go and fantasize that dad is alive, and not she, how good it would be for us to be together!