How I lost myself

My story is banal, there are many similar stories here, but I wanted to share mine.

Now I’m 30 years old, 2 children, I have my own home, a job, I look great, my figure is almost perfect, I have true friends,friends , but there is one BUT: I spent 5 years of my life onrelationships that broke me, turned me from strong, self-confidentgirls in "rags". Now I don’t understand how I allowed this to happen, but somehow I did.

I dated my husband from the age of 14, then it was like clockwork: wedding, children, everyday life... In general, in our relationship with him I always dominated, at the same time I could flirt with other boys, I even dated, it never came to intimacy, but still she didn’t deny herself anything, she just basked in male attention. I always ended the relationship myself, hurt them, but then I didn’t even understand it, it was always incomprehensible to me how you could cry because of unhappy love, much less humiliate yourself and ask to come back. My friends never saw my tears because I was different! I thought that either I was a very test-antibiotic.com strong person, or I was simply not given the power to love, all my sympathies ended very quickly, I didn’t really worry.

My husband and I separated when the children were 5 years old, we constantly got together and diverged, I already knew in advance that sooner or later we would separate forever - and that’s what happened.

At that time I was already communicating with someone else, so for me ourThe divorce was not painful, on the contrary, I finally breathed freely! And he still tried meto return , it was very difficult and painful for him. I even started to doubt whether I did the right thing,I felt the pain as if it were my own, cried, asked my parents for advice, but what was decided was decided. The pity will pass over time, but our relationship will not improve because of this. And that's when my new one beganlife with another person...

Let's call him L. He is a year younger than me, we worked together, it was very easy and fun for me with him. He surrounded me with such attention and care that I melted, although at first I did not perceive him as my boyfriend. test-antibiotic.com I’m used to male attention, I’m used to people declaring their love, so at first I didn’t take him seriously, especially since I have 2 children - why would he need such a burden, I constantly told him about it. But it turned out to be not as simple as I initially thought. Not simple at all. Fate had never brought me together with such people, so I, accustomed to seeing only the good in everything and everyone, fluttered in the 7th heaven with happiness that I was so lucky. In fact, he really fell in love with me, I am the first in his lifethe girl he treated so much, whom he fell in love with, and even changed a lot for the good (well, for me, at first he was just like that, ideal!), and now, I think, he has feelings for me.

In general, the first bells were when he was offended by me and said that it was all over. Moreover, it was so difficult for him, he did not eat or sleep, he was very worried. At that time I didn’t even understand why he was so offended by me, test-antibiotic.com askedforgiveness , asked to start all over again... and so on for 5 years! I was always to blame for everything: I said the wrong thing, behaved the wrong way, was offended by the wrong thing. I was hysterical, a drunk, a whore, yes, I agreed with everything, as long as he was nearby. Moreover, I thought that when we make peace, we’ll talk like adults and solve everything, because essentially we didn’t have any problems as such, we didn’t have a common life, we didn’t have a common upbringing of children, a common budget. If I had been like that during my marriage, there would have been no price for me: after all, I became so economical and homely, no girlfriends, much less friends, everything was just for him! I myself was horrified by who I was turning into: I lost my self-esteem, allowed me to be insulted, humiliated, but could not object to anything, because... he turned everything around in such a way that I betrayed him with my behavior, with my words. He is a skilled speaker and it seems to me that only a few people in this life can argue with him, and even more so, out-argue him - he really believes in what he wants to believe. He has absolutely no authority in life (he grew up without a father). When my feelings began to gradually weaken, I no longer felt so bitterly about our quarrels and partings with him, I set myself up for a new life, a new relationship, but... at most we were able to last without each other for 2 months. And again everything is new: meetings,love , reproaches, partings, and in both his love and hatred he is absolutely sincere. He also feels bad without me, he is also worried and sad. I tried to explain that there are many real problems in life that he doesn’t even know, and we haven’t even encountered them together, I’m faithful to him, I love him and everything will work out for us, but he again clings to some little things and this again leads to disastrous results. How much nerves I spent, how many tears I shed for him, and how much I humiliated myself in his eyes and in the eyes of my friends, who used to try to somehow convey to me the meaninglessness of our relationship, and now test-antibiotic.com is just We don't even discuss it.

I understood one thing: he has somemental problems , there is no point in describing everything, and there were a lot of things that pushed me to this idea. He smokes weed a lot and has no intention of giving it up. But he is very smart, sometimes I seemed uneducated to myself as a first-grader with him, but his brain works somehow strangely, he doesn’t see obvious things or doesn’t want to see. And I understand everything, and the old feelings are no longer there, and I want a new relationship, but what pushes me into this pool again and again. I'm afraid that I won't find anyone else, and where do these thoughts come from? This is probably why I am returning to this relationship again, he seems to be both my own and my own, but I can’t and don’t want to do this anymore. It’s as if I don’t belong to myself, I’ve lostwillpower , this worries me a lot, I’m working on myself, but I’m scared that I won’t be the same as before. Can a person really break something like that...

I would like to tell everyone for the future: do not waste your time, test-antibiotic.com nerves and love on people with whom you are not destined. It’s hard, very hard to recover from something like this. But I still believe that I will meet my one and this unhealthy addiction will disappear. And let everything work out well for him, maybe someday he will understand that the main thing isa loved one is nearby, who is always ready to support, and let unhealthy fantasies remain fantasies.