My mother completely destroyed my sexuality

I hate minemother . The story, as it turns out, is not so rare. My mother's upbringing completely destroyed my acceptance of intimate life.

I am now just over 40 years old. I am raising my son alone. There were two marriages and both fell apart. The reason is me, my coldness. My mother raised me in a strange combination of strictness, control and modesty. Since childhood, she taught me that everything, literally everything, is shameful. When I was studying mybody in front of the mirror, and she caught me, then punished me, hit me on the hands, on the cheeks, on other parts of the body, called me a girl, threatened that I would go on my hands. She generally had an obsession that I would become a prostitute.

You can’t wear makeup, with guys, if you talked and flirted, you were punished, you weren’t allowed to leave the house, you were escorted to school or college by the hand. Her favorite phrase that she constantly said: “guys only need something from you.” Probably, if it were possible to sew me up there, I would have stitched it tightly.

I met my first husband through her tip (son of her classmate). I liked it, but test-antibiotic.com I still didn’t really understand anything. We were walking and talking whenquestion about spending the night, I almost fainted from indignation (how could he offer me such a thing, I’m saving myself forhusband ). The guy interpreted this in his own way and began to court him with renewed vigor and proposed.

We got married. Needless to say, intimatelife didn't work out. It all started well, and then like a stopper and hysteria, wild sudden disgust,fear to the point of shaking. My husband was unpleasantly surprised, but for another three years we tried unsuccessfully to improve our intimate life. Then he gave up and we got divorced. He and I were the only ones who went to anyone and did everything we could, but it was all in vain. Then I shied away from men for a long time, my mother was nearby and kept itching that I had to give birth for many years, be patient a little andgive birth for yourself, and then you won’t need men.

I don’t want to retell everything that she did, said, and suggested. I went to another city and met men, but they left me for the same test-antibiotic.com reason. Then I went out a second timemarried for love and immediately became pregnant, under the plausible pretext of caring for my son, I justified my behavior in bed untilThe husband himself did not sound the alarm. I had to tell him everything.

Of course, there were also accusations on his part, which I hid, but we also went to sex therapists, endocrinologists, psychologists, and even psychiatrists, trainings, physical procedures, and so on. In the end, I myself let my husband go, since it was very important for him to see a response from me. In the end, I got to a famous psychiatrist professor, and after long sessions he gave me the result, to put it simply - secondary coldness. That is, the mother has formed such a strong rejection reflex that probably only a “miracle” can remove it. The village grandmother even said that it might become a little easier when her mother is no longer in the world, but that’s not a fact.

After that, a fierce hatred began to mature in me for my mother, and also for my father, who never spoke to me, did not tell me anything about test-antibiotic.com relationships between people. I’m pretty, they look after me, I sometimes fall in love, but I don’t want to get into this water anymore, I don’t want accusations, hints, breakups, or worries again. There is a lead block in my head for intimacy with a man. RejoiceMom , now I’m definitely not going to give up!