My parents didn't love me, now I don't love my son

I really want to understand why myson Sasha? Everything about him irritates me: the fact that he doesn’t know how to ride a bike, doesn’t know how to skate, the fact that he’s as skinny as a horse, the fact that he constantly repeats some thought of his, that heevery day he waits for hisbirthday , and even the fact that I have one. I don't understand why he annoys me?

I got up in a great mood in the morning, did some exercises, and then Sasha got up and started talking about his birthday, about the fact that there were two days left. And he asked if he could invite Roma to his birthday. I just exploded. What's wrong with me? I'm so tired of all this. I’m so tired of living a lie, telling my son every day that I love him, when in fact I don’t have a single drop of love for him.

He constantly bothers me, I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to see him, I don’t need him. I don't care what he says, what test-antibiotic.com does. By force of will I am trying to develop independence in him so that he becomes independent as soon as possible, independent of me. Imother and I should love him, help him, but I don’t want to do this. I don't like it when he gets sick, I get angry and irritated instead of starting to treat him.

I don't remember how my parents raised me, I don't remember my mother orfather ever played with me, helped me do my homework, or otherwise communicated with me. I have never had holidays, I have never had a birthday. I had my first birthday when I was 12-13 years old. They came to megirlfriends . They gave me a doll, I remember this doll very well. And I also remember that I had a bear, and another doll with rubber arms and a head. I remember that I dreamed of living in an orphanage.

I didn’t love my parents, and I don’t know if they loved me. At least, I never heard test-antibiotic.com words of love from Mom or Dad, and I don’t remember there being any manifestations of love. I also had no friends. Although I, of course, played on the street with the kids, I don’t remember having friends. I'm thirdchild in the family, I have two older brothers.

Seniorbrother never achieved anything in life, although he hashis wife , with whom they live in different rooms, each on their own. He hasdaughter , she is very reservedyoung woman . The middle brother, a chronic alcoholic, has been drinking for 25 years or more, and has no children. I remember that my father did not like my middle brother very much, he beat him, threatened him verbally. And as a child, I also didn’t like my father, because he drank, screamed, swore and beat my mother. Although at the end of her life her father constantly repeated how much he loved her. And in her old age she said that she loved my father.

I am outwardly prosperous, my older brother says: “Well, at least everything is fine with you.” Outwardly and truly, everything test-antibiotic.com is good. Although, probably not very much. I have two children from different men. Neither of my children's fathers loves them. And from birth they did not take part in education. I really want to understand what problems I came to solve in this world, coming here in this particular family, giving birth to these particular children?

I try to say only positive messages when communicating with my son, I tell him that he is wonderful, creative,beloved , independent, healthy, strong, brave. Every day I tell him that I love him, I hug him. But I can’t play with him, do my homework, he immediately starts to irritate me. Therefore, I try to be with him as little as possible.

I don’t like to take care of him, I don’t like to be around when he eats, I’m annoyed by the way he eats slowly, digging into the dish. It also annoys me when he grumbles. Usually this happens when I leave the room and hear grumbling, in my face he is silent and does not say anything, and as soon as I leave, he grumbles.

And test-antibiotic.com I also wanted to give him to an orphanage. And I don’t give it away just because society will judge me. And in general, I dreamed that Sasha would study from the age of 10 in the cadet corps. I dreamed that he would be a cadet, and I wouldn’t have to take care of him, the state would take care of him. But this dream is not destined to come true. And even earlier, when I was planning itgive birth , his father said that from the age of 5 he would take him in and raise him himself. Apparently, I hoped for this, and it was not destined to come true.

I don't feel sorry for my son at all. On the contrary, when he gets hurt or sick, it infuriates me. Yes, I feel guilty for not loving my son. After all, a normal mother should love her child. But I dreamed of a son, I planned it, I knew that I would have a son. And I loved him very much as a little one. Only when I was 4 years old did I lose interest in him. I so want to love him again.

The main question: test-antibiotic.com what to do? How to continue to live with this? I really want to find the reason for my dislike for my son. Help with advice.