Between 1st and 2nd

I'm 20 years old, I've been talking to a guy for a year now. He is very loyal, good, devoted, there are almost no such guys left in the world. Before him I had my firstguy , I talked for 2 years, he cheated on me often, he made me laugh a lot, he was rude and bad. After the first one I couldn’t come to my senses, only a year after the separation I was able to start new onesrelationship . By the first time I had some kind of illness, I depended on him, I could not live without him. A jealous person like me forgave him for his betrayal. It's sickening to even remember.

Initially everything was fine with the new one, I was very pleased that they loved me, I was attracted by the fact that he was the absolute opposite of the first. The 2nd guy knew everything about my life, he loved me all these three years. And after a month of relationship, he began to ask me too often who I love more, with whom I felt better with him or with the first one, whether I couldforget if I saw him. He said that he saw him with a girl.

Believe meEvery day our conversation was about my ex's test-antibiotic.com. Every single day. Somewhere in the second month, my first one wrote that he missed me and couldn’t live without me. This message came right in front of my boyfriend's eyes, and I read it to him. The horror began from that day, he went to deal with the first. Then he told me about their conversation, said that he didn’t love me and had never loved me, that he loved someone else, and in general I was nobody in his life. These words hurt me, after all, I lost 2 years on him. On the other hand, I didn’t believe the second one, thoughts arose that he had come up with this so that I would forget the first one (he thought that I had not stopped loving him yet).

Doubts began to gnaw at me, I wanted to figure out the first one, the second one started to bother me, the second one was boring, never made me laugh. Imagine, I’m in this state, and the second one again reminded me of the first every day, and I simply couldn’t stand it. I can’t lie and told the 2nd that I was calling the 1st. He didn't deny anything. I called and talked, test-antibiotic.com I felt so at ease, I laughed so much, he said that he loved me, he wouldn’t have wasted so much time if he didn’t love me. And I calmed down. Asked me to come back, but I could never. I will never forget his betrayal, I will never be able to love him - I know that for sure. My 1st should not be trusted and we said goodbye. I explained to him that I was staying with mine and couldn’t leave him. We talked on the phone with 1st for about an hour. That's all. The 2nd one yelled at me because of this conversation, broke up with me, the next day he went to deal with the 1st again (I don’t know why), but the 2nd then called again and wanted to come back, I returned. It’s calm with him, but very boring.

And it started again: it seemed to me that the 2nd one remembered more than I did. Almost every day he reminded me of this. I just didn’t want to leave him alone - he wouldn’t be able to live without me. And I was afraid againto be left alone . Behind the 2nd I’m like behind a stone wall. But it didn’t work out, I called test-antibiotic.com again. He forgave me again. And then I forgave again. And don’t think anything bad, there were no meetings, no love SMS. We just talked on the phone.

I don't know if you understand me or not. In general, after a year of relationship with 2, I’m tired. Very tired. When I was in a relationship with him, I was depressed. He always understood everything poorly. I don't know what else to write. In general, when I broke up with the 2nd one, about a week later I saw with my own eyes the 1st one holding hands with a girl. It was at this moment that I cooled down to both the 1st and the second.

5 months have passed and I cannot start a new relationship. It always seems that if I startcommunication with someone, then I will cheat on the 2nd. I feel very lonely, I don’t know what to do, but I can’t communicate with anyone. I consider myself a guilty, vile cheater. Help me, explain what I should do next.