I'm sorry that my family made a mistake about me

Now I began to understand that it probably all started in childhood, that is, the family conditions that I had may have provided “good soil” for my current state, or rather made me who I am now.

I was born in a small village. MotherI left my father when I was not even a year old, and so I grew up with my mother and grandparents. I saw my father, I will say even more, his house was on the same street where I lived. But I didn’t communicate with him, he, of course, tried, but I didn’t want to, for some reason I was afraid of him, I don’t even know why. As I now understand, he was not a very good person, not in the sense that he harmed people physically, but in the sense that he was cowardly, selfish and greedy, maybe even mentally abnormal, perhaps his genes were passed on to me , but more on that later. And I learned about all these qualities of his from stories from my mother and other people. My grandfather replaced my father, I loved him very much and test-antibiotic.com he loved me too. To this day, I consider him a very good person. When I was little, I wasn't allowed to do much. To put it briefly, thenMom controlled my every step and allowed me little. I grew up a modest, homely child, although I lived in a not very prosperous area. It happened that I played with not very good children who smoked and cursed. We were not rich, but we lived more or less well.

At the age of 8 I was already in second grade, then my grandfather died, and this was my first loss. In this regard, we had to exchange our private house for an apartment. I’ll also add that I had a cousin, we were very close, he was 10 years older than me, I even idolized him, I always wanted to be like him. He worked in the police, we often spent time with him, watched films, played computer games. In elementary school everything was fine, I studied well, I had friends, good friendsrelationshipwith teachers. In general, you can test-antibiotic.com say I grew up as a good and modest child. But middle and high school were not my best time in school. My class in those years was not the best, one might say vice versa. According to teachers, even the worst. It consisted of gopniks and losers; at that time I didn’t know who to classify myself as and for some reason, probably because there was no other candidate, I was considered the leader in the class. Well, that is, at competitions and similar events I was the captain. I also had two friends, we studied in the same class. We were quiet and calm. To be honest, some of the other classes might have made fun of us. The most disgusting thing that happened to me was in middle school, when I was 12 years old, my brother died in the service. I believe that this loss changed me, I became more constrained. And I still think

At school I was few test-antibiotic.com friends with anyone, they laughed at me, made fun of me, and there were even cases when I was beaten. I could not answer my offenders. I was really scared. My mother also continued to control me, and therefore I did not go to campaigns, did not go out, stayed at home with friends and played on the computer all day. I was not a bad student, but towards the end of school I began to slip. I had a bad time with girls too. They paid attention to me, I was attractive in appearance, and as everyone says, even handsome, but I was afraid to communicate with them more closely and was embarrassed. I was interested in football, I went to clubs, but I had to quit because they didn’t respect me there. There were, of course, good people with whom I communicated normally, but there weren’t many of them.

At the end of school, my grandmother died, whom I also loved and spent most of my time with her. There are moments that I regret, about how I used to behave unkindly towards my grandmother, which I now deeply regret and am unlikely to forgive myself for. test-antibiotic.com I stayed to live with my mother and sister, whom I forgot to tell about, but my relationship with her was bad, I constantly quarreled with her. She doesn't live with us now. Our fathers are different, he also abandoned her, but that was before I was born. I graduated from school with one C in my certificate; the rest of the grades were Bs, many of them undeserved; the teachers gave them to me, probably because of how I had studied before and because they respected me. Later I barely passed my exams.

I stopped communicating with my friends in class. Our paths diverged. I entereduniversity as a target, but was unable to continue studying there due to money problems. I worked part-time and helped a relative build houses; before that, I had worked with him during the holidays since I was 14 years old. Later I had to stop working with him due to lack of work. I was left without work. I sat at home for almost six months, did nothing. I just slept, ate, watched movies and that’s it. Starteddepression , no friends, no girlfriend, no job. True, there was only one friend, test-antibiotic.com, with whom I still communicate and that’s all. Mental problems , frequent mood swings, feelings of some kind of unreality, as if I was in a dream.

I also forgot to say that I was not accepted into the army because of stomach problems. For the same reason, I was not hired as a railway worker, where I wanted to get a job a little later. Then I got a job in a hardware store with a salary of 15 thousand rubles. My mother and I moved to a private house because it was difficult to pay utilities. I was 18 years old then. And then I got involved with the “wrong” campaign. I started drinking heavily, smoking, and started taking drugs. Then I entered a technical school, studied there for 3 years and gave up everything. Left work. Now I work in another store with the same salary.

At the moment I am 23 years old, I have stopped communicating with everyone, I have stopped drinking and smoking. I often fall into myself, I have frequent depression, I don’t see the meaning in life, I still don’t have a girlfriend. We also need to help my mother pay off her loans. I would like to find myself in life, I would like to find test-antibiotic.com my beloved girl, I would like her to give birth to medaughter _ But now I understand more and more that this will not happen. I am a self-contained, insecure person with mental disorders, by all indications I have biopolar, plus this nonsense with a feeling of unreality, as if I am watching myself from the outside. I regret that I let everyone down, many thought that I would grow up to be a good person, but they were mistaken. Maybe I didn’t try very hard to get out of this state, although I always deceive myself that I tried. I don’t know why I wrote this, maybe just to express myself, or maybe I’m just lookinghelp .