My early and unsuccessful marriage

My name is Elena. I am 27 years old. Imarried _ I have two children. I am constantly in a state of tension. I can't just enjoy life.

At school I was an excellent student, I sincerely believed in my successfuture _ After school I entereduniversity _ My studies were going well, but I was more interested inrelationships with boys. Firstlove overtook me at the age of 14. We dated for 4 years, on my 18th birthday he proposed to me. I agreed, although I didn't intend tomarry him or anyone else in the near future. I didn't communicate with his friends. In the company I was mostly silent. I was always afraid to say something stupid, funny, or cause disrespect from others. Now I understand how stupid it was, but you can’t bring back the past.

After his proposal, we decided to live together. He, hismom and me. I was quite happy with thislife _ One day I found his correspondence with a girl, where he complimented her. This really hurt me. I had noticed “manifestations of male test-antibiotic.com polygamy” in him before, but this time I didn’t say anything to him, didn’t quarrel with him, I was so angry with him that I decided to take revenge on him. I began to behave like the most exemplaryhis wife greeted him from work with kisses, fed him tastier than usual, gave him more affection... This went on for two or three weeks until I saw the results of my efforts. He became more gentle and attentive to me. I achieved my goal, returned his attention to me.

And now it's time for revenge. I started going to my homeland on weekends, going out at night with my friends to discos, meeting guys. This is how I met my future husband, A. I didn’t particularly like him at first sight. But he really liked me. He began to actively look after me, we talked a lot. After a couple of months, I began to seriously think about breaking up with my fiancé, but I couldn’t make a decision. It was hard for me to part with the man with whom I was once in love, with whom I had a 4-year relationship, who was, like never before, devoted to me. A. proved as best he could that he was better, but did not see my determination. He called me one day from his city and said that he had decided to quit work and study and move to the city where I live to be near me. It seemed to me then that he had accomplished a feat for my sake. I went and told myto the guy that we are breaking up.

He cried, he begged me to give him a chance, but I was adamant. I spent 3 painful days next to him, trying to reconcile him with the idea that everything was in the past, and went home. A new relationship began, full of passion. And the old ones reminded of themselves for a long time with calls, tears, curses, notes on the asphalt, bouquets left at the door. I felt terribly sorry for him, I felt cruel, heartless. I was very tormented by my conscience. But only two or three months of the new relationship passed, and I began to be tormented by a feeling of guilt towards A., who went through a difficult period in his life when he had to share me with someone else. We often quarreled with A. Our quarrels were long, emotional, test-antibiotic.com reached hysterics, to suicidal thoughts.

What killed me was his lack of pity and compassion for me. But we still made peace. And we had reconciliations, very passionate ones. We practically ate each other alive. After 7-8 months of a difficult relationship, I became pregnant. I didn’t want a child, I didn’t want to get married. But I didn’t want to have an abortion. A. said that we need to give birth, this is not discussed. I thought that he really loved me. We continued to quarrel over all sorts of nonsense, I often thought about whether I should give birth. As time passed, they informed their parents about the pregnancy and their intention to get married. There was a shock. But they began to prepare for the wedding. Most of the preparatory work fell on my shoulders. Plus I studied, plus minepregnancy required constant trips to the clinic. And my futuremy husband dropped out of school, slept until lunchtime, and only occasionally went out to work part-time. We argued about thisevery day . It happened that during a quarrel he would hurt me, throw me on the bed, squeeze my hands tightly, slap me in the face. I couldn’t believe that test-antibiotic.com could treat a pregnant girl this way.

I suggested breaking up many times, but my proposal was perceived as a personal insult. Our quarrels often ended with my apologies. I didn't feel happy at the wedding. I thought about how smoothly everything would go, everything was not perfect, I was unhappy. Three months after the wedding, I gave birthdaughter _ The girl was small and weak, I was scared that she might not survive, that there might be developmental deviations. My first impressions of motherhood were terrible. I cried and looked for supporthusband , and he was always busy with work and sleep. The first year we lived with my husband’s parents and his sister and child. I was in this family, like universal evil. Everyone was unhappy with me, everyone wanted to get rid of me.

And the fact that the new dad spent six months lying at home without work was also mywine _ A. finally got a job, and soon my parents moved to the village, leaving us and my husband’s sister and daughter to live in an apartment. My sister likes to drink, go for walks, and doesn’t like to cook or clean. For a year and a half test-antibiotic.com she and the child hung on her brother’s neck, because... I ate what we cooked, didn’t buy anything for home except dumplings and occasionally bread and milk, we paid for utilities. I became pregnant for the second time. I decided to keep the child. They started taking the eldest one to kindergarten. There was always not enough money. In addition, we had to pay for the last year of study at the university ourselves (my dad drank himself to death, was left without work and was unable to pay for my studies). I spent many nights without sleep, worked hard, and finally received a diploma of higher education. This was a reason for pride, but I couldn’t bring myself to rejoice, I thought about my lack of money, my inability to change anything in my life, that I was tired of living in a communal apartment, raising children in trouble.

And this one toosister _ She brought different guys into the house, one of them became her second husband and the father of her second child. They often drank, swore, fought, and soon separated. More than once I had to feed, calm, and put my husband’s nieces to sleep when his sister was in an inadequate state or test-antibiotic.com was fast asleep. The years go by. Children are growing up. The eldest is going to school soon, the youngest is also growing up, but life is not changing. My husband either works or doesn’t work. My work is also not going well. There is no money, there is no roof over your head. I want stability, a calm and comfortable life as a family. On the other hand, I want prospects, a career, wealth, success.

I want to be a good wife, and I constantly blame my husband for our problems, I want to be a loving mother, but I don’t know how to be tolerant and selfless for the sake of the children. I want to see the world, I want adventure, I want to fall in love and be loved. I now understand that I became a mother and a wife too early. I didn’t realize myself as a person, didn’t learn responsibility, didn’t prepare the ground for motherhood. I feel guilty towards the children. And I think hard all the time about why everything turned out this way and how to fix it. I'm thinking about moving to another city. It seems like it will be better there. And I understand that you cannot run away from problems.