I can't find my place in life

A year has passed since I had to choose which college to go to. Now I am studying at a college at a university, doing distance learning. The university where I study is located in another city.

After finishing 9th grade and passing the OGE (passed with one B, the rest were C), I reached a dead end. I simply didn’t see the point in living in my city, just because I had no friends, and I was also haunted by obsessive thoughts that I would be treated the same way as at school.

Things didn't work out for me at schoolrelationships with classmates (there were some who considered themselves superior to the rest and allowed themselves too much), only with a few did I communicate more openly. The teacher didn’t care, and it was clear that she knew, but she didn’t do anything about it. There were those who were annoyed the most, they were the main ones to make fun of.

Of course, I couldn’t stand attacks and defended myself. I have a strong character and I stood up for my rights and responded to my peers, not allowing test-antibiotic.com them to mock me. But I am also sensitive, so I was not happy to come to school. When I arrived in another city, I had already chosen a college. While I was waiting for admission, I was preparing for the entrance exams and drawing. I was going to become a designer.

But everything went wrong. At the prestigious college where I originally wanted, there was no group, and at another, I missed the entrance exams in drawing and painting, simply because my numbers coincided with another college (I don’t remember what was there on those marked days) . And I had to return home, and then it was already August, and the days before which it was possible to submit documents had already passed. And I decided that I would enter the same prestigious college, but as a correspondence student. The branch that is in my city had this oneuniversity , and there I chose the same specialty and we were told to wait.

I waited for September and October, then we were informed that no one goes to design, much less correspondence, then I had to choose test-antibiotic.com the specialty in the department that had the one I originally wanted, and I chose another specialty. I was left alone, and I had no friends, and was quite a bit upset (then someindifference has set in) that I’m not going to study like everyone else. I passed the first session. Then some time passed and I, sitting within four walls, began to think that I was already going crazy from my loneliness and from the fact that I had no one among my peers to talk to. I went to a psychologist and there I said that I was crying because of loneliness and apathy, I realized everything and I was just very sad from this and the fact that I no longer know what is happening in the world now, when I am at home, where no one bothers you. And then I couldn’t do anything at all. Lost the meaning of life! I was lying at homeevery day the same thing and there were no desires or feelings at all. I stopped studying subjects, and I just felt like I was covered in concrete, my I couldn’t even think about mylife test-antibiotic.com seemed to be watching from the outside.

May was already approaching, and I still hadn’t touched my studies. And now I have to take the test, and I think that I don’t know anything, now I, of course, am learning, but with great difficulty. And I’m thinking of transferring to a college in my city as a full-time student, but I don’t know how I can start communicating with my peers, because I already think that I will react to everything in the wrong way. I think I've become weird. There was no communication for a long time, and I need this so that I can feel and know that everything is okay.

There are moments when I just look at everything from the outside, even for example, if something falls, then somewhere in my head I realize that yes, it’s scary, but outwardly I just don’t react at all, it happens , but periodically. And since I haven’t communicated with anyone for a whole year, I don’t know what to do, it seems to me that I will faint if they ask me anything. I still stumble test-antibiotic.com when I speak. That imprint I had from school. And now I think that if I start communicating, I will turn out to be weak, in the sense that they will again want to crush me, and I will again find myself on the sidelines, alone. Of course, I am drawn to people, I want to be the center of attention. I have no interests now, and I’m not interested in anything at all. I do not know what to do.