I can't cope with the heartache

I want to talk about what has long accumulated in my soul and is breaking out. I don’t know if I still have a soul after everything I’ve been through; there’s probably something left, and among the emptiness there’s still a couple of embers of a once-living soul still smoldering.

I already wrote my story here and since that moment little has changed regarding my ex-wife. She still lies with the younger one in hospitals, while the older onethe daughter lives with her grandparents, and the newthe husband lives his own life, believing that he is not obliged to take care of someone else’s child, butwife and familyson , they have enough money. However, God be their judge, theirfamily is their family.

That same friend and ex-husband of Tatiana, as it turned out, ran away from responsibility but not from fate and higher powers. Now its newlife is crumbling like a house of cards, fate returned the favor of betrayal with a new betrayalgirls , and on it alreadya loan and mortgage for a future family life, which apparently will no longer exist. How do I know all this? The world of test-antibiotic.com is a small place, it’s just that our parents still communicate.

Now on to the good stuff. Tatyana and her husband live life to the fullest and fulfill the plans and dreams that they have nurtured for so long, life is in full swing and finally makes you cry not from grief and pain, but from joy and happiness, God grant that everything goes well for them. Well, now my least favorite part is me. As for me, I have a break in treatment, a respite, so to speak, between courses. No, I haven’t changed, nothing positive has appeared, no hopes or dreams, and it was stupid to create them for myself after everything. It's slowly going away, of course, but it still hurts. However, there are still improvements and progress, if earlier there were thoughts and torment in the soul and heart, torment about an unfulfilled and collapsed life, now there is simply emptiness and indifference, but it still hurts and hurts. As one of my friends said about me, “He just burned out inside and now lives by inertia,” she’s right, I burned out, and now I’m surviving.

It’s hard to describe, test-antibiotic.com everything gradually calmed down, and you got back on your feet, but there is no more life, and there is no point in living either. Just emptiness and silence. And there are no feelings, and life is silent, and you are already silent, you are alive, but inside you are so burned out that it seems that you are already completely empty. And then there is fatigue, endless fatigue. It seems like you’re trying to relax and get some sleep, but you’re still broken and broken, as if you’ve been a decrepit old man for a long time. And the worst thing in all of this is insomnia. The morning is far away, the night is long, and you don’t seem to care, but inside there’s somefear , orloneliness presses on your back, forcing you to hunch and stoop, or the past and the dying soul with memory in agony take you by the throat and begin to choke you with a cold, icy hand. And you begin to slowly go crazy, and all over again, and again in the same circle: “Why?”, “Why?”, “What did I do wrong?” You rummage, delve into yourself, but there are still no answers.

And at some point you can't stand it,pain covers you in a giant wave, and test-antibiotic.com the past merges with the present, the crazy dance of a broken life and a lost soul begins again. Faces replace each other, events of the past and present are mixed together, and you no longer remember what happened and when, everything is mixed into one. Happiness is joy, your beloved dear face is so beautiful and bright, and then darkness, an abyss and a blow. Pain , pain, pain, pain and betrayal! Native faces are distorted into monsters,happiness poisoned by poison begins to bring terrible torment, it tears you into pieces, cuts and burns, like hot steel, tiredbody , I no longer have the strength to endure. You give up and start howling, and then suddenly everything calms down, and you open your eyes, dawn, morning, and with tired eyes full of tears and pain you look out the window, and there the sun slowly rises and a new day begins its course. There is only one thought pounding in your head, with anguish and terrible fatigue: “God, when will this all end?”

Then you take your pills and pretend to live, walk aimlessly and do things, lost as if stunned, lost in this world and in test-antibiotic.com of this life, like a stray dog ​​who was thrown into the street, he is lost and does not know, where to go now, looks around, and there is nothing around, just the world, an alien and dead world. You can no longer make out whether this world has been dead for a long time, or that one died, but could not realize it. You are no longer a person, are you a zombie or a mannequin, you are doing something, going somewhere, but inside you are empty and behind the appearance of life there is nothing more. You stop only at night, and then either sleep without dreams, or the terrible torture of insomnia, and it’s better to die than to have insomnia with your game again, it’s better to die than to go back again, it’s better to take a step from the roof of a high-rise building or just a step from a bridge than to go back there again , into the past, never again. Run, run to nowhere, don’t care how,alcohol or antidepressants, the main thing is to run away so that it doesn’t catch up with the past, to run away so as not to go back. Run, run, run!

There is very little time left, and the line is already close, but God, how unbearably long this path is, longer than test-antibiotic.com life and eternity itself, and God, how difficult and terrible it is. When will I reach the end?