I can't forget my father and deal with my problems

When I was 8 years old, my parents divorced and they asked me who I would like to live with. I answered that with my mother, because otherwise she would have been offended, although she herself perfectly understood that I would be better off with my father. About six months later, my father died in an accident. I felt very bad, I didn’t know how to continue to live, even now my grandmother remembers and says: “Of course, he loved his daughter very much, he did everything for her.”

These words hurt me very much, I feel very bad. ThisThe pain of loss hasn't gone away for years. And shortly after the death of his father,mom started drinkingevery day , sometimes I was afraid to come home. We quarreled every day , every day she yelled at me, I don’t even understand why, I study well, at the moment I’m an excellent student. After 3 years, my mother's father died, she stopped drinking, and she was laid off from her job. She spentthe money that I got from my father, she didn’t even look for a job, she answered me to questions about the search: “mind your own business, if there’s no business, then I’ll find test-antibiotic.com now, don’t get into my life.”

And today my mother started drinking again, I went to the doctor in the morning, came at 2 o’clock, she was already drunk, I found a bottle, came up and asked: “again?”. To which she answered positively, I don’t know what to do next, I can’t find a place for myself, I don’t even have anyone to talk to, I don’t feel support from any side.

Almost every day I imagine life with my father, everything would be different. They told me to forgive my father, but I don’t understand why? What did he do? The answer was that he left early. I can't, I cry a lot, I have very bright memories with him. I have an older brother (dad's sister's son). His father also died. They live in another country, respectively, we see each other very rarely. Since our last meeting, he has changed a lot, now he is 19. He called me for a walk. We talked for a long time, he started talking about why I can’t open up, he told test-antibiotic.com that he understood that he went through all this, he said that I was afraid that they would hurt me again and leave.

I cried, I cried for a very long time and strongly, although in public I don’t cry at all, I couldn’t restrain myself, and he kept saying that I have him, and I can rely on him. And now I’m back in my hometown, I don’t feel support from anyone, I’m very withdrawn, I don’t know how to present myself to people when they call me for a walk, they constantly ask “why are you always silent?”.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, I don't understand how my friends, my relatives live, almost my entire social circle has already smoked and drank. I don't understand it, these years. Sorry, I just needed to speak up, because when I talk to my relatives, they don't listen to me, they say it's timeit doesn't get easier to forget , although my father was very loved by everyone, his friends love me very much, and help me get a good school, and test-antibiotic.com and so on.

To my friends, I don't like to complain about life. Once, a friend told me that he could support me, supposedly it would make me feel better, that shared sadness would pass easier, I believed, I began to tell, not in all the details, in the end it didn’t feel any easier for me. After 5 days, this friend unfriended me and asked me not to write to him anymore. I can't tell.