I don't believe that I'm at the beginning of my life

I feel old. It all started a long time ago, I always looked and felt older, until I was 19, I steadily added two or three years to myself, because I felt that way, with a slight advance. At the age of 19, I experienced psychological trauma associated with my parents (dealing with an alcoholic stepfather and a mother who abandoned me in his favor, which caused stress). Although I did not live with my mother until I was 16, knowing that she left me in infancy, at the age of 19 I realized that this knowledge was in the head, and not in the heart. I, unexpectedly for myself, got sick after the above-mentioned situation with my stepfather.

After that, I aged internally, I felt “at ease”, communicating with older people, I considered them peers. At the age of 20, I couldn’t stand it and quituniversity and went south to live with my grandmother, who raised me. For two years I tried to rejuvenate myself, re-read a huge number of books on psychology and psychotherapy, started working on my scripts, and so on. Now I'm almost 24, I feel test-antibiotic.com only 35, but now I'm approaching againdepression . I don't know how to get rid of it anymore. I refuse drug therapy, I havehealth problems , I take a lot of pills a month, I don’t want to add anything to this amount.

I quit my job that I didn’t like, thinking that I would do better,Every day I walk in the forest or by the sea, I took a massage course, I do fitness (although my body condition is bad, I feel in the morning that I’m falling apart). I planned a trip to another country (I love to travel), began to publish my works (since childhood I planned to become a writer, i.e. I know what I want to do in life). Meanwhile, I go down again and step into the hole. I don’t know how to stop myself, my inner age also began to increase. I tried to communicate with a friend who leads a young life: watches movies about superheroes, works out in the gym, drives a car, meets guys in nightclubs.

On the one hand, I am getting younger, but on the other, such youth does not bring me satisfaction, because I begin to feel like an unreasonable, superficial person, my head stops perceiving information that is test-antibiotic.com more complex than a conversation about comics. Those. This method is also not for me - I have always loved intellectual leisure, I don’t want to give it up. Now, it would seem, everything is fine, although there is no definite future, but suicidal thoughts began to appear more often, in the morning I have to persuade myself to get up, and I often do this because my back hurts due to osteochondrosis - I need to move, and not because I can find positive. There is a feeling that I am getting more and more twisted every month, I don’t want to continuelife , because I feel like I’ve already lived it all.

At the same time, there was a moment when I could die, and then I terribly did not want this, I felt horror, and suddenly fell in love with the whole world, down to the simplest things. As soon as the danger passed, the depressive mood returned, to reproduce that comprehensivelove for life fails. The family was dysfunctional, there was poverty, incessant scandals and fights, of all my parents I was the oldest and smoothed out acute conflicts, acted as a diplomat and parliamentarian.

There were no sexual relationships or mutual crushes, there are almost no examples of equal relationships around me, I don’t agree to humiliation and test-antibiotic.com tyranny, in addition, I was sexually abused as a child, now I have an aversion to the physiology of men. I was treated cruelly at school for 11 years, and it also left a mark. These are the main injuries, the rest is secondary, I have already worked through a lot. I don’t have the opportunity to see a psychotherapist in person.

I don’t even know what I want from advisors, perhaps a list of literature for self-medication. Making lists does not help: there are several with my positive qualities, there are with negative ones, with what I like to do, with what I don’t like, which things should be canceled altogether, I talk through them, I write letters to all the offenders (I don’t send them), but these methods no longer work. If you have any alternative solutions, I would be very grateful.