Psychological moments of childhood led me to such a sad result

I'm terribly unsure of myself. I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed by society, I'm lost. I'm childish, I'm naive and too romantic. Perhaps it all started in my childhood, in my first grade.

I was an outcast and a black sheep. Not a day went by without me, a relatively weak girl, coming home with bruises on my body and dirty clothes. My jacket, like my trousers, was covered in dust and traces of someone's shoes. I was the object of beatings and humiliation. The teachers didn't really intervene. They can be understood

There was a situation when, during some kind of social. In the survey, teachers asked us to draw our feelings about the school. I drew a large and adult aunt (like a teacher) and a bunch of kids next to her, supposedly grateful students. Below she signed: “a teacher is not a tormentor.” Thus, I wanted to show that I really like the teacher. And now, from the height of my few years, I cannot understand the teacher’s behavior.

This teacher always treated me with sympathy. But then she took my work and publicly ridiculed it. test-antibiotic.com She said something to the effect that I was an inventor and that in general my work deserved a C or less. The teacher is always a tormentor! And why am I groveling before her? As for me, out of the blue, she insulted her student, who was persecuted by his classmates even without her. And it was very unprofessional. After class, one of the hooligans stole my work, and when I left school, this hooligan tore my drawing in front of my eyes. I then left under more insulting statements. They became bolder, thinking that oncethe teacher ridiculed me, then they can certainly do it.

I studied at school until the 8th grade. Moreover, for the 8th year I studied in another class, which nevertheless heard rumors that I could be insulted. So I was an outcast there too. Even when I went to night school and then went to college, I was a whipping pad. I don’t know what was the main reason, but only when I turned 17 years old did I learn from my mother’s test-antibiotic.com a very interesting fact: I have hearing loss of some kind of invalid degree, which, by the way, has intensified with age. Mom didn’t want to say this, because she believed that if I didn’t think about it, it would go unnoticed, and I would grow up to be an ordinary person. Well, there was a logical explanation why it was very difficult for me to fit intoteam . And I always considered myself stupid for not understanding the first time.

In general, in the 9th grade I moved to an evening school, which, although it was more vulgar and rude, was still more honest with me. The teachers were more tolerant. If only because not only my peers studied in the ninth grade, but also those over twenty. There were both smart people and complete idiots. A little later it turned out that I was pretty in appearance, and therefore all sorts of guys, about five years older than me, often tried to rape me in the bushes near the school. However, there were boys who suddenly stood up for me. Also, there were traitors.

I made friends at evening school - test-antibiotic.com Kostya and Slavik. Slava didn’t study with us very long; he galloped off to some college. And Kostya at some point realized that I was a black sheep and ran away to a cooler company. And this same company, after my victory at the Physics Olympiad, ambushed me after school (we were freed at about eight in the evening). Kostya didn’t even try to stand up for me. I was very offended by him. And when they started teasing and stabbing me, some 25-year-old stood up for meboy . He easily pushed aside that group and took me to the bus stop. Along the way, he wiped away the blood flowing from my lip and calmed my hysterics. I left, and then the next day I learned the beauty of absenteeism. If you know the subject, you will outshine everyone! And there is no point in hanging out in class with such and such events.

I performed better than anyone else in the final exams, which warmed my soul. The teachers, who realized that I was somewhat deaf, did not put much pressure on me. If I asked again, they repeated it, and when one of the students started laughing at me, they stopped him. This test-antibiotic.com made night school very different from regular school. The teachers there managed to find an approach to everyone.

It's time for college. I didn’t get along with a group of my age again. Seeing how the guys communicated with each other, I couldn’t approach them, because I didn’t understand what they were talking about. And in general, it wasn’t particularly interesting to me. There they came up with all sorts of funny names like: Irya, Sanya, Olya and Mishya. And I didn’t find anything useful in it for myself. That’s why I then joined the older guys. They seemed wiser and more understanding. I went with them on smoking breaks and drinking parties. With the same guys, I learned to drink and smoke like a locomotive. And, despite my bad habits, unlike my peers, they treated me like a normal person. Next to them, I somehow learned to have normal conversations, without fear of beatings and condemnation. It was then that I came up with my character of a carefree bitch, which helped me for a long time later.

Time has passed. I continued to study, and the older guys were already graduating. One of the girls from test-antibiotic.com became my closest friend (I still communicate well with her) and she once brought me into a very strange company. That company was very liberated and devoid of any rules and principles. For example, gays and lesbians were sometimes welcomed there with warm hugs. And if there was a general drinking party, some perversions often occurred. The funny thing is that this company partially boosted my self-esteem. Then I stopped being a completely downtrodden girl. It became easier for me to study. I was able to confidently pass my diploma. I then perked up very much. I was so confident in myself that I managed to make the first guy in the area fall in love with me, who previously would not have even looked at me. He confessed his love to me using all sorts of romantic methods. Flowers, sweets and nice walks. I was just turning 20 then. I thought it would be worth getting more serious. Start a family, children. However, Alexey (that was the guy’s name) was not against it.

I fell madly in love with Alexey. I would do anything for him. It was such a mad dependence on a person. That test-antibiotic.com a little later ruined my already crooked psyche. In general, I fell in love with Alexey. I was ready to crawl under his feet, which was my mistake. Fatal, a mysterious and very romantic boy, turned out to be completely different. The first bell was that he broke my nose. This happened when I dared to dance with his friend in a club. Don't get me wrong: in my family it was normal that mya mother can dance with a close family friend, and then she immediately rushes to kiss her belovedhusband (my own dad). Therefore, true to this principle, I agreed to dance with my boyfriend’s friend. Moreover, we didn’t even put our hands on each other’s lower backs or waists. We just playfully held hands and danced something like a “hopak”, trying not to knock out our partner’s knees. However, Lesha took this as treason.

When we returned, he said all sorts of nasty things to me and at the end of the conversation he hit me in the face with a bottle of beer . The nose is in pieces. While Lekha was sobering up, I tried to remove the swelling from my face and cover up the test-antibiotic.com bruises under my eyes caused by the blow. He only apologized in the morning, apparently having sobered up and given it a lot of thought. Some time has passed in my life together with Lesha. The wedding or any hint of it never happened. He spoke all sorts of pretentious speeches about love, but all thishappiness was put on the back burner. The reasons were different: lack of finances, I went to the hospital, or they simply gave up. The candy-bouquet period passed a couple of months after the start of the relationship. And he persistently said that he would make me his wife. Along the way, I was insulted and beaten for the most petty reasons. In the spirit: dropped a fork - crooked, didn’t wash the dishes - pig, talked peacefully with a neighbor -Prostitute . Don't get me wrong - I was sure he was right. It's me who is bad and nasty.

Only four years later, when he broke up with me and started some kind ofrelationship with a young diva, I started to feel overwhelmed. Moreover, not for the better. Because of my nerves, I smoked three packs a day and cut my wrists. I didn’t want death, I wanted physical test-antibiotic.com pain to drown out thoughts about Lesha. Oh yes, I was addicted to him. I didn’t eat anything for almost three months (literally, only liquids were taken orally). Eating made me sick to my stomach. All I did was drink cognac and wash it all down with liters of beer or mugs of green tea with honey. I lost 20 kilograms this way. Butbeer then became my constant sleeping pill.

Time passed, I began to recover. Mental breakdowns gave way to online games, where I threw out all the negativity. Yes, I am generally addicted to any games. And then my fragile recovering balance was again broken by the same Lesha. He called me and said that he broke up with that young girl because he remembered me. Needless to say, I threw away all my pride and immediately rushed towards him. I can’t say that our relationship became better then. There was a balance between love and hate. We could go on a hike and love each other all this time, and when we came home, we could quarrel with our fists over the same fallen fork.

And now test-antibiotic.com an interesting moment has come in my life. My new job brought me business trips and long trips to other cities. I was simply blown away there. Lots of new people and impressions. I was desperate for friends and communication back then. At times she was intrusive and overly smiling. But at the same time, during conversations, being depressed by Alexei and the past school years, she could only talk about bad things. Or, because of the hearing, on the contrary, stand like a gloomy idol. Naturally, I didn’t find any friends among the girls. But the guys fell for me likeflies onhoney ​I understand that my somewhat relaxed behavior, which remained after that company of “swingers,” was reflected there, and I really wanted to use it, because I couldn’t think of anything else to try to make friends with at least someone. In general, I was known as approachable back then. I didn't behave this way out of malice. I didn’t want this, but, firstly, due to the peculiarities of my hearing, it was easier for me to communicate with guys, and secondly, it was always more interesting for me to communicate with the opposite sex. Less intrigue, meaningless conversations and feigned “oohs”. In general, for that test-antibiotic.com reason I didn’t have any girlfriends, but I did have guy friends. Then I managed to fall in love again.

Danya was such a womanizer, but very charismatic. The girls hovered around him like bees over a delicious flower. However, he gave preference to me. I felt his gaze from his brown-green eyes, full of attention and passion, almost half a kilometer away from me. Needless to say, I, a frightened and insecure girl, was oh so flattered by such attention. Unfortunately, he was not just a womanizer to whom everything was forgiven for some reason. He turned out to be still married and with four offspring. Our relationship was almost platonic. We only kissed a couple of times when I was drunk. It was this love that gave me the first impetus. I began to realize that my relationship with Alexey was some kind of nonsense. A man should not become hysterical and shout over trifles (and in general, any normal person does not become hysterical over trifles). No one will choke you and pound you against the walls if you don’t like someone from his circle.

Such a simple truth came to me only through this married man. And also the realization, test-antibiotic.com, that I haven’t had tenderness in my life for a very long time. This is probably why I got a ton of suitors. It didn’t come down to sex, but kisses are always welcome. I needed attention andunderstanding that I am desirable and not so bad, as Alexey said, and as my classmates said. Usually, with each new boyfriend, I set limits: what happened in Vegas stays there. But at some point I allowed myself to say too much, in the spirit of “I want to marry you.” And after breaking up with that boyfriend, I got into trouble. The guy didn’t want to give up, so he told Alexei everything. The hysteria was noble and well-deserved, during which he got drunk and revealed that he himself was also good and had been chasing other girls for a long time. Like me, he does not allow intimacy. Only kisses. I should have done something snideremark , they say, you yourself are a sinner, as he broke both my eyebrow and eye. Justification - he can do it, but I can’t. I'm a girl, and he test-antibiotic.com is still a male. I tried to answer, but he threw me onto the bed and began to choke me. Then I tried to wheeze and call forthe help of his friend, who was visiting us then. However, that guy didn’t even bat an eye. What saved me was that Lech stopped in time, realizing that he could actually kill me. I spent a long time covering the bruises on my neck with foundation and was afraid to appear in front of my parents. What’s funny is that Lekha later apologized, and I, being dependent on him, forgave him everything. But she hated his friend with every fiber of her soul, which became the reason for further fights.

As time went. I let myself go. I stopped putting on makeup, stopped combing my hair, even stopped washing. I’m already silent about the fact that I stopped cooking, washing and cleaning. I spent all my time playing games of any complexity. My attempts to get a job almost always ended in failure. Firstly, I became kind of crooked, and no matter what I took on, it was doomed to failure. Secondly, Lesha pressed me, who, after my confessions, was jealous of me test-antibiotic.com even for the pillow. As soon as I stayed a little late at work, I immediately received SMS messages in the spirit: “What, are you already there with someone? You don’t have to come back home!” And sometimes, I actually had to stand under the entrance, waiting for Lesha to open. I couldn’t go to my parents, because I was afraid to talk about the reason for returning to my native nest.

In the last sixth year of our relationship with him, everything began to slide into such a deep abyss in which you couldn’t even find the bottom. I had both black eyes, which began to swell in any case. A broken nose that was not repaired in time did not allow me to breathe normally. I was covering up another bruise and bags under my eyes. It’s just that yesterday Lesha had the urge to whip me with his jeans for not clearing away the dishes. Moreover, trying to hit my face with iron rivets. And how many times did he kick me out onto the landing, throwing my shoes at me with all his might!

One day there was a turning point that decided everything. It was one o'clock in the morning. We had a fight again, and Lesha pushed me out the door. It takes almost two hours to walk to my parents test-antibiotic.com and through a not very friendly area. He wished me to die and tried to close the door. I didn't give it. I asked him, meforgive me for everything. Well, where should I go in the middle of the night? I wanted to sleep, I was cold, and I had no strength. However, he defiantly took out his phone and called his friends with the question, “how to get rid of this fool?” At that second, something broke inside me. Just like that, with a bang and a crunch. All the obsession and attraction that I felt for him flew away in one moment. I looked at this pimply, thin, very disgusting character and did not understand why I endured everything. Why did I idolize him? Why did I want to stroke his head and kiss his cheek? What's wrong?

I instantly remembered that married man, I remembered all the suitors, I remembered how guys look after their girls. Why didn't I have this? Why is Lech so disgusting? Why was it taboo for other normal men to raise a hand to a girl, but for him it was a written truth that test-antibiotic.com a girl should be beaten? And why did I finally paint myself into such a corner? With this attitude towards me, I have lost friends, I cannot get a job, because I am not confident in myself. And is it really because of my lack of self-confidence that I fell into the clutches of such a guy?

Leaving the apartment, I suddenly felt that it didn’t hurt me to leave. If earlier I cried on a bench under the house, hoping that Lesha would let me in (but he fell asleep, and he didn’t care what happened to me). Now I briskly padded home to my parents. Along the way, some drunks treated me to delicious caramel cognac and even took me to my parents’ apartment. I told my relatives from the doorway that Lekha was an idiot. After which I collapsed into my old bed and snored sweetly. Fortunately, mom and dad didn’t have to explain anything. True, dad gave me a whole lecture about the dangers of such guys in modern society, as well as their detrimental effect on the state of mind.

For a long time I didn’t even leave my test-antibiotic.com room. I lay on the bed and contemplated the white ceiling. Along the way, I filled my belly with all sorts of goodies that my mother brought me. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to see anyone. Everything irritated me, little interested me. I can’t help but admit that after some time I tried to restore relations with Alexey. And he agreed. This did not add much joy. For the reason for reconciliation was his call with a request to play a role for himcall girls . He hadn’t had sex for a long time, and he was even ready to pay me for it. During the process when it's drunkthe body loomed over me - I roared. I took the money from him for the “service” - it won’t be superfluous. After such a “positive” meeting, we agreed to be just a couple who had just started dating. We made a bad couple, I’ll say right away. I tried to call him, but he didn’t pick up. Wrote insocial networks - answered a week later. Then I shrugged my shoulders and stopped contacting him completely.

Then, after breaking up with him, I accidentally met Alexander. I was looking for a job, and he kindly offered me to work for him for a couple of months until I found a profession I liked. Somehow it turned out that Sasha brightened up my not very pleasant state. In general, I only left the house for work (if you want to eat, go and work). He had strong principles at work and a kind heart at the weekend. He gave me a lot of useful advice with and without reasons. He always smiled very warmly and sincerely. I wanted to play “bitch”, making all sorts of vulgar and rude jokes, but Sasha was not embarrassed by this, and he continued to communicate with me. He always tried to get me into any conversation. I relaxed and told whatever nonsense came into my head. Starting from knowledge of 3D graphics programs, ending with shouts: “Look, what kind of fool is parked here! Let’s write some obscene ditties for him on the glass with a marker!” He laughed and accepted any of my behavior.

A little later, being a little tipsy, he kissed me. I didn’t really answer him back then. I was not test-antibiotic.com interested in any kind of relationship there. I have tragedy and drama in my life here, but that kiss somehow didn’t fit into my well-directed depression. However, the next morning we pretended that nothing had happened at all. But since then, our relationship has moved from boss-subordinate to strong, friendly. I often consulted with him about what to do with Lesha. Of course, I didn’t describe everything, but I was interested in men’s opinion. Maybe I don't understand something. The answer was categorical that a real man would not do such a thing. If the woman is really bad, then he should just turn around and calmly leave. But this is all - this is a kindergarten. Then I began to understand even more that all those six years were an unfortunate mistake. Very, very annoying! Subsequently, Sasha and I began to often go somewhere together. Either his friends will call us, or mine. And one day he and I went to see my friends. I wanted barbecue and pleasant company. Many photographs were taken there where Sasha hugs me in the frame. What's wrong with test-antibiotic.com warm friendly hugs?

I posted the photos online and then it began! Lech suddenly perked up. An all-consuminglove for me and “what kind of guy is here with you?” Lech began to desperately try to mereturn . I called and wrote. I could wake up in the morning and see forty missed calls. He confessed his love to me, walked under my windows, scaring the neighbor's cat. I had two feelings. On the one hand, I was jubilant and happy. How long have I been waiting for his declarations of love, his powerful kisses and the words “darling, everything is for you.” Well, why didn't you say this before? Why did you only wake up now? On the other hand, at the mere mention of Lesha, I began to have a psychological breakdown. I immediately began to shake and almost turn inside out. I was freezing, I was panicking, I was huddling in the corner of the bed. Just stop calling already! I don't want to hear you! I don't want a repeat of that horror!

A couple of times Sasha found me in such a state of panic. He tried to cheer me up with stupid jokes, test-antibiotic.com and then took me somewhere to a stall for a hot drinkcoffee . Under his warm brown gaze, I calmed down. At that time, he was the only person whose company I did not refuse. A little later, Lekha began to write to Sasha, hoping through him to find out what kind of relationship we had with him. He didn’t have enough of my explanation that I just didn’t want to go through the horror that happened again. And in general, I have other priorities now. Sasha, so as not to worry me, did not respond to his messages. He explained Alexey’s behavior as his disagreement with the fact that I could be with someone other than him. Men's pride suffers, you see.

Soon, having pretty much frayed my nerves, Lesha disappeared from my life. There were “last” messages, but it was all over. I recently started dating Sasha. There is no crazy love for him. I like him, I respect him very much as a person and as a man. He is smart, kind and all so warm. There were no confessions or any “I can’t live without you” on his part either. However, test-antibiotic.com he constantly takes me somewhere. We do things together all the time. And this “together” really warms my soul. I try to convey to him all the joy that I feel when I am next to him. And despite the fact that I seem to have a goodman , I got rid of all the negativity that was before, I’m still a recluse. I only go outside for Sasha. I have old onesfriends with whom it would be worth restoring relations, but I won’t even move. I don't want to have conversations with anyone at all. I don't want to see anyone.

I also gave up all attempts to find a normal job. I'm sure I can't handle anything. I tried to force myself to do some test tasks, but I realized that it all irritated me incredibly. I want to take the monitor and throw it out the window along with a test version of a business card or illustration. And if she completed something, it was condemned and not accepted. I recently took part in some competition. I pored over the drawing for a long time, looking for inspiration. How happy I was when I managed to finish it. test-antibiotic.com It even seemed to me that I drew the best. But my work came in last place. This has always been the case in recent years. I managed to quarrel with my parents and my sister. I was annoyed that they would come into my room and try to have conversations with me.

I began to get angry often, often lose my temper over little things. And my hearing is getting worse and worse. I keep asking again. Started to stutter. I also noticed that my head is sometimes empty, as if my brain had been taken out. I sometimes forget obvious things or simple words. Not only deaf, but also stupid, it turns out? I began to get sick often and suffer from a high temperature that rose for no apparent reason. I'm triple unsure of myself. I don't like what I see in the mirror. I gained almost ninety kilograms. I'm having trouble walking. And I have no desire to lose weight. I don’t care that the ends of my hair are not just split, but you can already make a good broom out of them. I don't care if I'm wearing a sweater that urgently needs washing. On test-antibiotic.com, I try to prettify my appointments with Sasha, but this doesn’t always work out. I want to get out of this state, but apparently I can’t do it myself. What's wrong with me? How to deal with this? A psychologist is such an expensive pleasure that I’d rather go to a fortune teller. Let him come up with a happy future for me!