Jokes of fate

A year and a half ago, I moved away from a previous difficult relationship. I was experiencing a breakup, both psychologically and physically. I gained 20 kg in a year due to hormonal imbalance. After collecting myself for several years, I went to a dating site.

Returning to my old page, I plunged into a sea of ​​communication. I wanted to find a person with whom I might just get involvedInternet novel _ I didn't want to complicate things. Yes, and at that time I had not yet lost all of itoverweight to go on dates.

I've seen his page several times. He flashed in the feed. He was funny, vulgar and arrogant. One evening, after drinking a couple of glassesguilt , I wrote to him myself. I wanted playfulness and lightness. Why not laugh about dirty things with a stranger online?

That's how it all started. The guy from the dating site turned out to be one of the leading engineers of a large network. He is a Cancer by horoscope, just like me. 6 years older. But absolutely not my type of man.

He's blond and just a little cute, but far from handsome. But test-antibiotic.com turned out to be such a charismatic, romantic, bright and sensual interlocutor that I fell in love even before the first meeting.

I woke up every day from his “good morning” and fell asleep after an SMS wishing him good night. During the day we chatted for days on end. I melted. It seemed that we understood each other perfectly, we even completed each other’s thoughts.

We had fun. Behind all the vulgarity that I saw initially, there was a caring, gentle, slightly insecureman _ But I was so happy from the communication! Although she pretended that everything was not serious. On the contrary, he hinted that he had serious intentions.

I was afraid to appear in front of him and tried to lose weight (almost unsuccessfully). When it came to meeting in real life, I trembled. However, as now, remembering those feelings, those days. So we corresponded for a month and a half, after which I decided to meet.

The first meeting took place in his car near my house late in the evening. He arrived after work. My God, how I was shaking. I wanted him so much and was afraid at the same time. Having met, the conversation did not go well, I was constrained, pressed, test-antibiotic.com and he was not as talkative as in correspondence. An hour passed like that.

It seemed to me that he was disappointed with me, and that I would not see him again. This was partly true. And we switched roles. Now I was the leader. The next day there was no good morning SMS, but I wrote it after lunch. Communication became less active on his part.

So they crawled week after week. He wrote and then disappeared. I, in turn, turned on all my charm and charisma and wrote it myself. He answered willingly. But that was all. The short correspondence that I started myself ended quickly. He himself did not write very actively. But it didn’t disappear completely either.

Only plans were made about a new meeting. He said that his apartment was being renovated and he was busy. He wrote: “I’ll finish another one in a month and I’ll definitely see you. I’ll show you the recent renovation.”

So another two months passed. At this time I lost weight to my desired weight. I dreamed of meeting, I was in love. Trying not to think that he is no longer at all interested in me.

I started scandals over correspondence about the fact that he was again sitting on a dating site and looking for someone there. He said he was just having fun. And in May I noticed that he again did not sit there for days. But he didn’t write to me at all.

He still responded to my messages, but took longer than usual. Seeing him online, I understood that he was infatuated with someone again, just as he was infatuated with me at first. And in mid-May I simply stopped writing. Him too. So we ended in silence.

Then I saw that he deleted the profile from the site, which he did not do for my sake. It is impossible to describe how painful it was for me. I took a car and drove around Moscow at night, without fear of crashing. I went to the village and tried to hide from my feelings. But can you run away from yourself? I even went to a local grandmother, asking her to break this connection between us and help meforget him.

She flatly refused and said that she did not want to bring trouble on either herself or me. test-antibiotic.com forbade me to even think about it. For it waslove , and you cannot thoughtlessly cut those connections that were given by God.

Yes, I knew that I was in love again. I knew that something had happened again, that my heart and soul had been broken again. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to put myself together again. And a month later in June, I lost most of my business. All reserves were used to cover losses. I was left without a livelihood and money to rent a house. So I ended up in my car, in which I lived for 4 months.

The days dragged on for a long time. But the advantage of such changes is that at first I had no time to think about him. I was scared on the street. Day after day I said goodbye to supposed friends who didn’t care.

Having more or less gotten into the groove of my new street life, I slowly tried to earn money as best I could. But there was always not enough money. Either the car (my home) broke down, then I got sick, then my mother needed decent amounts, then the bailiffs came for an old loan.

So it took 4 months to accumulate 70 tons on test-antibiotic.com for a new apartment. This takes into account the collateral and the realtor. True, I had to move from Moscow to the nearest Moscow region. It was already cold in the fall, and I only moved out of my car at the beginning of October. It didn't matter where.

More than two months later, in July, he showed up. As if nothing had happened, he restored the profile again and immediately contacted me. Of course, I didn’t tell him about my street life. I firmly decided that I had to sleep with him in the end. I decided to succumb to his games and made an appointment myself.

I honestly thought that I had enough anger at him to be cold and not get drawn into his web again. Asex , I thought, would only help me let him go. After all, I will receive what remains my unfinished business.

This happened. I arrived at his dacha late in the evening, very thin and strict. It was clear that he was surprised by my transformation and coldness. So we slept together. Without much emotion, but he turned out to be an attentive and good lover. A couple of hours later I left.

The next morning, test-antibiotic.com received a couple of messages asking how I got there and if everything was fine. He wrote that he really liked everything. She answered the same. That's all. It lasted me for several days without hysterics. After all, I got what I wanted and thought that I had put an end to it. But how?

I realized that I still love him just the same. And he is an ordinary womanizer who doesn’t appreciate me and doesn’t even want me on a permanent basis, I was again hysterical and stressed. Somehow I managed to calm myself down.

A month and a half later in August, he appeared again. I decided that he wouldn’t get me again just for sex. She playfully refused and said that she was only in a relationship with me. He accepted and said goodbye jokingly.

But a couple of days later I was subjected to a strong attempt at rape by my ex.colleagues . A blow to the head, stress, despair and confusion. No, he didn’t have time, but I wasn’t myself at all. And I wrote to the one I loved and desired with all my heart. To him.

I simply wrote that I felt very bad. He immediately offered to come to him, test-antibiotic.com have a drink and stay the night. What could I say? I wanted this night with him more than anything in the world. Moreover, I was in such a state, alone, in a car on the street at night.

I've arrived. Tearful, tired. He was gentle and open. We met for the third time. This time I was open, and he was the same in response. I felt good. Even in sex he was different with me. This was our only night. I felt him the way he was with me through correspondence at the very beginning. He was with me, he hugged me so tightly.

I left in the morning. But I was happy, and hope arose in me again that something might work out. He wrote a couple of messages, and in the evening I wrote myself. I received a response within a couple of hours. Although he appeared online. To say that this time it hurt me a hundred times more is an understatement. And I wrote that I didn’t want to communicate with him anymore. He agreed.

After August there was no communication. I was suffering, dry test-antibiotic.com and wasting away. In October I managed to save money and rent an apartment. For a moment I was a little happy and life began to get better.

And in December some kind of obscurantism began. I dreamed about him every night. During the day and evening, out of the blue, there were flashes, pictures in my head and memories of our several meetings. Wherever I was, he pursued me in my head, thoughts, and even pursued me in reality. For through one I saw him in passers-by. I was going crazy.

A couple of days before the New Year, returning home late, I went to a dating site, where we met him. Almost immediately he wrote. Word for word, he invited me to his place. It was late, one in the morning. I said that I had moved closer to him, and if he wanted, he could come himself. I joked, I thought his laziness wouldn’t let him go. But he arrived.

Sex again. Just as good as before. Minimum conversations. So dear and stillhe is loved , but cold. Having accidentally mentioned it, he confirmed my guesses that the entire month test-antibiotic.com remembered me out of nowhere. But why? If it's still not destined.

He left after a couple of hours. And nothing. No call, no SMS, no New Year greetings. I realized that I could not resist the temptation of intimacy with him, so I called him. But I thought that there would be at least a couple of messages again the next day. But no.

To say that I cursed myself for this weakness throughout the New Year holidays would be an understatement. It was too much. I allowed myself to be used again. I was seething all January, and at the end of the month I told him everything I thought about him. About what she loved and waited for. I said goodbye. He answered jokingly in the morning, saying that it served him right. I didn't write anything else. I decided to forget, get over it, cross it out.

It's August again. A year and a half ago we met. Our last meeting was in December, and our last text message was in January. I haven't seen him for more than six months. Practicallyevery day I remember him. It can be fleeting, it can be bright, but almost not a day has gone by without a thought about it.

He lives in me. And every day I try to convince myself that he didn’t love me. He just used it. I was nothing to him. Everything is perfectthe attitude towards me at first was just competent manipulation.

Life more or less goes on as usual. It was not possible to kill the feelings. Just living. It’s impossible to let new men approach you. Closed, it seems to me forever. No one is needed. I understand that even he is not worthy to be with me. But deep down I feel that he is mine.

And then a week and a half ago I came across his apartment for rent. There are two numbers in the ad for him and the girl. Is notsister , not relative. I understand that he is with someone else, and most likely they live together, and they decided to rent out his apartment. I thought that I had at least cooled down towards him a little. But how many tears I shed that evening, how many dishes I broke, how many things I cursed. How I hated myself.

I still hate myself. Now he is again in my head and thoughts for days. I understand that I sometimes see test-antibiotic.com on the same site. This means that even if he is in a relationship with her, he still sits there.

But that doesn't help. I'm on fire. I have accumulated so much hatred and anger over the past year and a half. And now they have all caught up with me. I tried a bunch of psychological things to forget and let go. It's all to no avail.

I feel bad. I don't live, I exist. I love a man who probably doesn’t remember my name anymore. In my heart I’m still waiting for him and I believe that everything was not accidental. I can't move on and move on. Every day it gets harder and sadder.

I can't do this. What should I do? How to stop feeling sorry for yourself? Howforgive yourself for being so weak and allowing yourself to be humiliated like that? How can I forgive him for not living up to my desires and not feeling the same feelings for me?

How to let go inside when you still love? And how can you kill your love, hopes, dreams and expectations towards him? And why test-antibiotic.com is fate subjecting us to such sick relationships? If it's still not destined to be together.