A difficult childhood left a mental trauma for life

I read itconfession of a woman who hates herdaughter . I want to respond to her and other such mothers (judging by the comments, there were quite a few of them).

Perhaps I will surprise you, but you know, I enjoyed reading this confession, because it proves that the author sees a problem in his feelings. I was especially touched by the final question: "Is it not my fault that I am like this, or is it?" I will answer on behalf of the daughter, since I am one for my mother: "So what do you want to hear, Mom?"

Mylife ended, and the story of hatred began (for me) when I was 4 years old. My parents (I am the firstborn in the family) exchanged apartments and moved out with my maternal grandparents, naturally taking me and my younger sister, who was a baby at the time, with them. The exchange was preceded by conflicts that I know about from my mother, and which seriously affected not only themrelationships with the older generation, but also their relationships with each other.

Having moved to a new apartment, they piled their things on the floor and went to bed in their room, test-antibiotic.com leaving the children unattended. I, accustomed to the regime established by the elders, woke up in the morning and went into their room every hour, becoming more and more perplexed. They saw me, but did not react in any way. After thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that something had obviously happened to them, therefore, there was no point in disturbing them even more. It was better to be patient, to avoid additional tension, giving them the opportunity to sort themselves out, among themselves and with our lives. This decision of mine determined my future destiny.

What happened to them was a cold war of two egoisms and stubbornnesses, which began and never ended. MyMy father suddenly became cold, arrogant, unfair and cruel to me, apparently, he was trying to suppress and intimidate me using my examplemother , took revenge on her through me, demonstrating on me how much he was irritated with her. Mother at first stood up for her, but then changed tactics, realizing that through me he was trying to dominate her, and began to demonstrateindifference to this fact. The house was always a mess, the children were hungry test-antibiotic.com and dirty. My parents never drank, even on holidays they touched alcohol purely symbolically, but you won’t find the kind of chaos in which we lived even among chronic drinkers. My sister and I were “assigned” to roles: my parents demonstrated their inflexibility to each other on me, and their indulgence on my sister (she was a baby, after all). So my parents played their games, getting drawn into them more and more deeply, without caring about their prospects and consequences for anyone. In short, it was nonsense, an endless nightmare and hell.

I suffered terribly and started to get sick. I haddepression and kidney problems. Something like a poltergeist began to appear in the house. It seemed that they were bragging to each other about their moral decline and competing to see who would go further. For this purpose, they began to teach my sister, whom I pitied, looked after and loved, to be arrogant in front of me. An incredibly lively and open, dynamic, bright and life-loving child grew up to be an absolutely withdrawn, cold, calculating, envious and cruel person. My mother adapted to my father's behavior, immersed in dreams test-antibiotic.com and fantasies. She fell in love with someone, thought about the option of divorce. All this was sheer nonsense, having no real basis, but all our rareCommunication with her was limited to regaling me with this nonsense. I was about 7 years old.

My father would find romantic messages scattered about by her to a so to speak imaginary rival and interrogate me. And since I diligently avoided these topics (they seemed wild to me and inappropriate to our relationship or age), he would become filled with condemnation towards me. Needing human warmth, I reached out to my mother and sister. I was afraid of my father, since he once almost killed me in a fit of irritation, hitting me on the head (I fell with my temple a couple of centimeters from the corner of the armrest of the sofa). But my sister, looking at the adults, increasingly liked to treat me like a servant, and we began to have clashes. Naturally, my mother was my main and only, but unjustified hope. Is it possible to demand that a child of my age, in such a situation, soberly assess his situation, I do not know. I simply, what test-antibiotic.com is called, could not contain with consciousness what was happening to me, I became attached to my mother, acutely feeling the abnormality and joylessness of her existence, from the awareness of which she herself was very far, and which she did not want, and thereby stirred up in her a hornet's nest of the most perverted and base passions.

I languished under the burden of my longing for her until I was eight, during which time she only eluded me. Then I had a dream that she had turned into a mermaid, lived in the river under our city bridge, and our whole family went there to visit her on weekends. I decided that it was impossible to continue like this, I needed to isolate myself from this influence, and somehow try to start living on my own. I did not announce my decisions, but she sensed the change, and then the opposite movement began. Surveillance, reading my diaries, scheduling my day (even though there were absolutely no conditions for following the schedule). All this was justified by an out-of-nowhere concern for my upbringing (even though no one was interested in my academic performance). In fact, it was a protest against the loss of power over test-antibiotic.com me. She didn't disdain anything, and like a terrier she sniffed out all my vulnerable spots in a constant attempt to confuse me, drive me to despair, and not let me leave her. I was dragged to sorcerers and psychics when I refused to go to them, they drugged me, put me in food and drink (by her own admission), put me in mental hospitals, the first time this happened at the age of 8!

She convinced me that I was mentally ill, because my depression was unfounded, because they don't drink! She secretly interfered in all my relationships - I have 3 broken marriages behind me. I was denied an education, driven out of the house and starved. At 27, I woke up from a fainting sleep, saw the ceiling above me and feltdisappointment because I'm still alive. God found me. I knew that He is alive and existing. My mother andsister immediately went to church. A few years later, my grandmother (father's mother) came to live with us and arosehousing issue . My sister and I had families. At one time, when I test-antibiotic.com entered the institute, they started to kick me out of the house. I then demanded that they allocate me living space. My parents had a three-roomapartment , which they naturally felt sorry to exchange. The problem was solved this way: I was evicted to the apartment of my grandparents (my mother's, with whom they separated when I was 4 years old), and they were moved to theirs. They were already very old and soon after that they both died.

My sister's husband had no place to live. My parents wanted to have their own room. So my sister and her husband and my father's mother all laid claim to the third room. I lived separately with my husband, who had been disabled since childhood, in my mother's parents' apartment, and he also had a one-room apartment that we rented out, which was our main source of income, since I was the only one working. We were asked to give my sister and her husband this apartment, promising financial support. We agreed. My husband signed a deed of gift, after which my sister threw a fit and my relatives slammed the doors in our faces, abandoning us to fate. My husband held me responsible for all this, since my relatives were out of his test-antibiotic.com reach, and he took revenge by making me indebted and leaving me for another woman. I have beenmarried to another man and happy in marriage.

A month ago, my mother approached my current husband in church and spoke to him about this story with the apartment, reproaching me for not forgiving him (no one asked me for forgiveness). Since I stand by the opinion that mythe family did something wrong, willfulness, rebellion, etc. The husband did not agree with her. They argued, he got a little irritated. Then she made him promise not to tell anyone a secret that she had never revealed to anyone before. The secret was that when I was a month old, she had a dream. She saw a burning house in which, as she knew in the dream, I was. And she thought how to go in there to save me, and then a voice from heaven said to her: "Leave her. She is already dead. You will have another child." This is our story. I can not say that I love her or hate her. She is my disease. She test-antibiotic.com stood between me and life with a gloomy bewilderment that cannot be simply brushed aside. A couple of months ago she quarreled with me and immediately ended up in the hospital with some kind of stomach infection. Later she repeatedly said that she saw the flames of hell there, in a vision. And it seems that she is afraid of it, but this does not stop her. Her passions completely suppressed both reason and will in her.

I am glad that the woman whose confession of hatred towards her daughter I read, while claiming that she is not guilty of her feelings, still leaves room for doubt. I want to answer her and others like her: judge for yourself - are you guilty? Or is God guilty, who created you so "unusual"? Or were these feelings that you once, out of a whim, without thinking about the consequences, nurtured in yourself to the point of blind hatred towards your own child, who is innocent of anything before you, instilled in you by another source? Where are they leading you? What have you become slaves to? For your own sake - stop while you still can!